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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Husband won’t make me coffee?! AIBU?

208 replies

Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 09:55

DH had a small operation on Wednesday to sort out his groin hernia which means that I have been doing everything (and I mean everything!) around the house. I have to look after my two DS (17 & 12), two dogs, I work part time but it just feels like there’s a never ending amount of shit to deal with. Literally from the time I wake up to the time I go to bed I’m having to look after, what feels like, three children as well as working and keeping the house running. The doctor told him to get up and walk around and not just sit there all day so he managed a small dog walk with DS1 yesterday (which he had to use crutches for 🙄). I’ve just sat down to sort out some admin, pay bills etc and he’s in the kitchen making himself a coffee so I shouted through that I’ll have one as he’s making and he said he couldn’t make it as he could only manage one mug. I asked him to just make it and I’ll get it and he said that he couldn’t lift the kettle long enough to make two and if I’m getting up to get it, I might as well make my own! On his operation leaflet it says ‘no heavy lifting for at least 2 weeks’. Well he’s taken that to meaning he doesn’t have to lift anything heavier than one fucking mug! I’m so tempted to just stop cooking his food and being his nursemaid if he’s going to be that petty about it. He is just being a big fucking baby, after all, I was doing things around the house after I’d given birth and had enough stitches to make a replica of the Bayeux tapestry!
AIBU to just want a coffee made for me when I’m doing everything around the house to support his recovery?

OP posts:
Meltingsocks · 27/09/2022 09:56

YANBU

But why are doing everything if your sons are 17 and 12? Have they learnt laziness from him?

Topjoe19 · 27/09/2022 09:56

What an absolute a-hole!! I think that's awful.

Hymnulop · 27/09/2022 09:56

What a dick. Pull back, stop doing so much for him immediately and tell him why.

Brefugee · 27/09/2022 09:57

he sounds like an arse. However. How much looking after do a 17 and a 12 year old need?

Do you need to get them on board with doing chores etc? (I am petty. so i would be making tea every hour on the hour and none for him)

ThanksAntsThants · 27/09/2022 09:59

Why are you doing everything if you’ve got one adult and one nearly adult DC?

your DH is being a bit of a drama queen, I’m sure he can put the coffee pot on.

i’m literally just about to make a coffee now, I’ll make you one.

ThanksAntsThants · 27/09/2022 10:00

Sorry, missread the ages of your DC. They can still pull their weight and help out though, why aren’t they?

Teddletoddle · 27/09/2022 10:01

I would always give anyone who has had an operation the benefit of doubt and allow them time off. I second the posters who query why teenage children need so much looking after.
If you work full time there will always be an expectation of splitting everything else equally. If you work part time with older teens, some people might wonder what you do all day.
Work full time and with the extra dosh pay a cleaner and a dog walker.

Icedlatteplease · 27/09/2022 10:02

I'm sorry I disagree

He's recovering from an operation and your expecting him to make you coffee?I'd have hopped up and made his as soon as I heard him go for the kettle but I'm nice like that

Original poster
Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 10:03

Meltingsocks · 27/09/2022 09:56

YANBU

But why are doing everything if your sons are 17 and 12? Have they learnt laziness from him?

I should clarify that DS1 works part time and is at college full time - 3 days of the week he doesn’t finish until 6pm and I think it’s unfair to ask him to do too much when he’s really busy with his studies.

OP posts:
Cigarettesaftersex1 · 27/09/2022 10:04

Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 10:03

I should clarify that DS1 works part time and is at college full time - 3 days of the week he doesn’t finish until 6pm and I think it’s unfair to ask him to do too much when he’s really busy with his studies.

Show quote history

Unfair? Really? What's he going to do when he's living in his own house and working full time, expect someone else to do everything? Your other son is 12, why can't he help also?

You're enabling them.

Original poster
Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 10:04

ThanksAntsThants · 27/09/2022 09:59

Why are you doing everything if you’ve got one adult and one nearly adult DC?

your DH is being a bit of a drama queen, I’m sure he can put the coffee pot on.

i’m literally just about to make a coffee now, I’ll make you one.

He is being a drama queen! Thank you!

And mine is white, no sugar ☺️

OP posts:
Ahbisto · 27/09/2022 10:05

Huh? Ŵhat do you mean looking after a 12 and 17 year old?

mountainsunsets · 27/09/2022 10:05

Icedlatteplease · 27/09/2022 10:02

I'm sorry I disagree

He's recovering from an operation and your expecting him to make you coffee?I'd have hopped up and made his as soon as I heard him go for the kettle but I'm nice like that

The doctor has explicitly told him to move about and do things though 🤣

Honestly, why do so many people enable these men?

Cigarettesaftersex1 · 27/09/2022 10:06

Icedlatteplease · 27/09/2022 10:02

I'm sorry I disagree

He's recovering from an operation and your expecting him to make you coffee?I'd have hopped up and made his as soon as I heard him go for the kettle but I'm nice like that

He was making one anyway, there's no reason he couldn't have made one for OP, his doctor has told him to not sit all day

Original poster
Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 10:07

DS2 is knackered by the time he gets home (he doesn’t finish until 4:30pm) plus he has homework to do so I don’t think it’s reasonable to ask him to do chores around the house when he’s been at school all day and has further studying to do

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 27/09/2022 10:08

You're both being drama queens, honestly.

girlmom21 · 27/09/2022 10:08

You're both being ridiculous.

You work part time and have an almost adult and an almost teen. Life really isn't that hard.

InsertPunHere · 27/09/2022 10:10

He's being a pathetic man-baby. Christ, we were all told to be up and taking showers on the same day as emergency C-sctions, not a week after a poxy hernia operation!

No heavy lifting is "don't pick up a 10kg back of compost" not "you can't manage a kettle with 2 cups of water in it," for heaven's sake.

Teddletoddle · 27/09/2022 10:10

Both our sons helped a lot in our home. They chose the areas they took responsibility for. One son always did all the ironing, the other cooked regularly.
We had a cleaner and everyone rushed around the day before she came putting clutter away. It helped us feel like a team.
We always helped a lot with lifts and general support. We were generous with Uni funding and in time with house deposits. This was really possible because from I worked full time as soon as they were at school.
They very much liked the feeling of being equal partners and that they had a big say in meals, holidays and having people over.

Sunnyqueen · 27/09/2022 10:10

Oh he's milking it alright lol. I would be pissed off. Sadly it is pretty typical that men seem to turn in to babies at the slightest hint of a cold let alone a medical procedure 🙄🙄
That being said if your 17 year old is in full time education and part time work he can't be there all that much and when he is he's not going to require looking after. I mean other than making dinner and sorting pe kits out 12 year olds are pretty self sufficient so don't be doing what your oh is doing and making out it's worse than it is! Tempting cos you'll be feeling resentful I appreciate that.

mountainsunsets · 27/09/2022 10:13

You're husband is lazy but I do think you're both being a bit silly.

You only work part-time and your kids are secondary age so it's not like they need constant supervision or anything.

They're more than capable of doing some housework or cooking dinner or taking the dogs for a walk but tbh I genuinely don't see why it's all such a struggle.

Tomorrowisalatterday · 27/09/2022 10:13

Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 10:03

I should clarify that DS1 works part time and is at college full time - 3 days of the week he doesn’t finish until 6pm and I think it’s unfair to ask him to do too much when he’s really busy with his studies.

Show quote history

Wow.

I work 4 days a week, finishing at 5/6pm, miraculously I can still do some chores and I have two under 6s to look after. There is absolutely no reason your son can't do some chores. He is going to grow up into the sort of man who thinks if he's working, he doesn't need to contribute domestically

Teddletoddle · 27/09/2022 10:15

Get a full time job and make it clear that from now on it is all hands on deck. My sons are married with children now and they do masses around their home.
Both of our boys went to a very bog standard comp, both gained places at top unis. Both went away and have chosen to return to their home town to live. Both claim to have happy memories of family life.

saraclara · 27/09/2022 10:15

Ffs. My late DH had that operation and he was up and about and close to normal the next day. I didn't have to 'look after him' at all. He could have made me coffee very easily.
Crutches?! That's ridiculous! Why on earth has he got crutches?

Original poster
Mysonisugly · 27/09/2022 10:17

I must add that my DH isn’t normally a lazy person. He works full time, in fact, more hours than full time, and when he gets home he does help around the house a lot if there’s stuff that needs doing. I think he’s just taking this opportunity to do absolutely nothing because this is not the norm for him. But he could still make a fucking coffee!!!

OP posts: