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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think people need to consider guests more when wedding planning

225 replies

juicyjanet1 · 20/09/2022 15:15

Another one. Another bloody wedding thread.
Invited to a Tuesday, term time, no kids, wedding in Scotland. (I live in Surrey and have one primary aged kid and one baby in nursery)..
Ordinarily I would just say no, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid and was greeted with confusion when I said to the bride and groom my husband wouldn't be able to come. We've been friends with both of them for a very long time, so they want both of us there.

We don't have family nearby and my siblings (and husbands siblings) all have their own children so can't magically be around on a weekday to do childcare. There is no childcare option other than leaving them with someone who is a stranger to our baby (will be 15months at the time of the wedding), which neither of us are comfortable doing.

I also am not pleased with having to take a few of my precious annual leave days to attend (I need them for school holidays!). There's even been talk of Hen and Stag do's abroad, god help me.

If people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope? I genuinely don't understand it. I have no problem with weekday weddings, child-free weddings or weddings far away or abroad. I do think it's unreasonable to expect me to attend!

OP posts:
Original poster
juicyjanet1 · 20/09/2022 15:18

YABU - A wedding is a once (hopefully) in a lifetime event for the bride and groom, plan it how you want and invite everyone

YANBU - Don't invite people to events you know they won't be able to attend and then make them feel obligated.

OP posts:
Beamur · 20/09/2022 15:19

If they are genuinely surprised YANBU
Until you have children it's hard to understand quite how you limited you might be by childcare options.

Lockheart · 20/09/2022 15:22

No-one is being unreasonable here.

If the couple marrying had to poll every guest (or even just those key guests) about dates, times, and locations they'd never be able to book anything.

Equally just because you've been asked to be a bridesmaid doesn't mean you have to attend. Explain why it's impossible for you and gracefully decline.

Danikm151 · 20/09/2022 15:23

Some people have weekday weddings as it’s cheaper but if they choose to have a wedding very far away they have to accept that some people will not be able to attend.
I’ve never been to a child free wedding and think it would be very strange.

Cantanka · 20/09/2022 15:23

I think where they are unreasonable is expecting you to come. I don’t think they should be obliged to invite children or pay weekend prices for the convenience of guests on the basis they accept declines with good grace.

KimmySchmitt · 20/09/2022 15:25

Well you don't mean 'people' do you, you mean your specific friends.

I'm currently planning my wedding and we have tried so hard to be thoughtful and accommodating (Saturday wedding, within half an hour of where we and 95% of the guests live, transport provided to nearest city, generous amounts of food and drink) and I've still had people throw it back in my face.

Mariposista · 20/09/2022 15:28

The mere fact they have chosen to get married on a Tuesday (probably to save money) and expect people to take time off work and use their AL to go speaks volumes. It would be a no from me.

Hoppinggreen · 20/09/2022 15:29

My wedding was for me and DH.
I planned it to suit us and nobody else.
I wouldn’t have been in the least bit offended if people hadn’t been able to come though

KimmySchmitt · 20/09/2022 15:29

For clarity - where do the bride and groom live? Scotland or Surrey?

Delatron · 20/09/2022 15:31

They can have their wedding when they like but must understand if people can’t make it. Especially mid week when you would have childcare issues.

It must be a close friend if you’ve been asked to be bridesmaid? So I think having to take a few days annual leave I’d swallow for a close friend. But I would explain your DH can’t come as he’s having to stay and look after the children.

I had to do exactly the same with a close friend - I was bridesmaid. Weekday wedding, other end of the county kids were invited!. I said the children obviously couldn’t miss school and DH would miss the wedding and have to stay at home to look after them

Or you could just decline - depends on the friendship. I think if you’re going to have a mid week wedding then you need to accept - lots of people won’t come, those that do may drive etc to not miss work the next day. It would be a completely different vibe and I can’t personally see how it’s worth the cost saving. I’d just have less people and cut costs in other areas than have a random Tuesday wedding that nobody is up for!

ddl1 · 20/09/2022 15:32

I think that a couple have a right to plan their wedding as they wish BUT they should accept that others may not be able to attend a long-distance wedding due to childcare, or in other cases, financial or health issues, and not take offence if people can't come, or treat people's attendance at a wedding or other celebration as a test of their friendship.

anotherbrewplease · 20/09/2022 15:34

Just say no - sorry but yes - it’s as simple as that.

Original poster
juicyjanet1 · 20/09/2022 15:34

They live in London.
They've chosen a beautiful place in Scotland they go to often for holidays. It's about 2 hours from where the groom's family are. Most friends and the bride's family are south-east England, many of whom are teachers so I'm guessing will be an automatic no from them.

If I hadn't had a conversation with her I would assume they don't really want people to go and are just sending invites to be polite/ on the off chance. But there is definitely an expectation that most people will attend. I am baffled.

OP posts:
luxxlisbon · 20/09/2022 15:34

Every single guest cannot be accommodated and will not be happy. It’s a day for the couple so they might as well save themselves the headache and so that they want imo. Someone will always complain and moan, probably behind their back, no matter how much they try to keep their guests happy.
If you are going to attend then do it, if you’re going to complain about it and grumble then send your apologies and move on with your life.
It’s really that simple.

HerculesMulligan · 20/09/2022 15:35

This sort of nonsense drives me bonkers. Our wedding (donkeys years ago) was on 30 Dec (lots of teacher friends who wouldn't need to be at work, didn't clash with Christmas or NYE plans) and included kids, because we love our mates and wanted them to be part of the day, or else it wouldn't have been half as joyful. I think people who plan weddings like this really show how little they value their non-romantic relationships.

PPop · 20/09/2022 15:36

f people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope?

Do you think people who elope have no consideration for their guests or is this poorly worded??

AnneLovesGilbert · 20/09/2022 15:36

They sound obtuse. Do you want to go? I wouldn’t.

Original poster
juicyjanet1 · 20/09/2022 15:38

@Ppop, sorry poorly worded

Nothing against elopements.

OP posts:
lanthanum · 20/09/2022 15:40

KimmySchmitt · 20/09/2022 15:25

Well you don't mean 'people' do you, you mean your specific friends.

I'm currently planning my wedding and we have tried so hard to be thoughtful and accommodating (Saturday wedding, within half an hour of where we and 95% of the guests live, transport provided to nearest city, generous amounts of food and drink) and I've still had people throw it back in my face.

Did they "throw it back in your face" or decline politely?
However considerate you are, it's still not a summons. Maybe they had a really good reason (I declined one wedding invite because it clashed with a sibling's wedding), or maybe money is really tight and they can't afford outfit/babysitter/gift/taxi.

MintJulia · 20/09/2022 15:40

Yabu. I feel your pain but if the B&G don't have children, they may have no clue the logistical challenge dcs represent.

Just say no.

FrankLampardsBrokenHand · 20/09/2022 15:41

YANBU.

I don't understand why someone would choose to host an event on a day or in a place that would pose a problem for almost everyone they would like to attend. It's usually down to cheapness and not being able to cut their cloth accordingly.

Original poster
juicyjanet1 · 20/09/2022 15:41

@AnneLovesGilbert I don't want to upset them, and it would be lovely to see them married. I care about them and they are close friends.

But realistically this is a big ask, so its stressing me out.

@luxxlisbon moaning on here rather than IRL, so as to not be a dick talking about it with other friends

OP posts:
Notjusta · 20/09/2022 15:43

Your update about lots of friends being teachers makes it sounds like a really odd choice on their part. Was the bride upset that you said your DH couldn't go? Have you spoken to other invitees - are they also surprised at the choice?

I agree with PP, that you can plan your wedding however you like, but if you make plans that mean it is difficult for people to attend you have to accept you might get a lot of 'with regret' RSVPs.

OnlyFoolsnMothers · 20/09/2022 15:43

very self indulgent, people who think its about giving "ample notice"- when actually people dont want to find childcare and waste their A/L- Id be very clear on what you can and cant do OP.

calmandcaffinated · 20/09/2022 15:46

This annoys me greatly. The last two weddings we were invited to were no kids, yet every time close friends or family of the bride and groom were allowed to bring kids all the while we had to drive hours to my dad's, the nearest responsible adult who we could leave our toddler with, and then hours back. One was on a weekday too. It's worse as our toddler wouldn't eat any of the food so purely would need a high chair, so should cost nothing. I get they want a certain feel but then all kids (no flower girls or ring bearers or babes) should be invited, it just seems discriminatory and an extra cost otherwise without rhyme or reason. Fortunately our next wedding has kids allowed and is a Saturday!

We deliberately got married on a Saturday in July near my parents and invited kids. I didn't know until recently no kids were thing.