To think people need to consider guests more when wedding planning

[juicyjanet1]

Another one. Another bloody wedding thread.
Invited to a Tuesday, term time, no kids, wedding in Scotland. (I live in Surrey and have one primary aged kid and one baby in nursery)..
Ordinarily I would just say no, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid and was greeted with confusion when I said to the bride and groom my husband wouldn't be able to come. We've been friends with both of them for a very long time, so they want both of us there.

We don't have family nearby and my siblings (and husbands siblings) all have their own children so can't magically be around on a weekday to do childcare. There is no childcare option other than leaving them with someone who is a stranger to our baby (will be 15months at the time of the wedding), which neither of us are comfortable doing.

I also am not pleased with having to take a few of my precious annual leave days to attend (I need them for school holidays!). There's even been talk of Hen and Stag do's abroad, god help me.

If people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope? I genuinely don't understand it. I have no problem with weekday weddings, child-free weddings or weddings far away or abroad. I do think it's unreasonable to expect me to attend!

Yes.

But this is usually the problem. For all that many MNers love the it's an invitation not a summons line, what often tends to happen in practice is that couples get arsey when someone they want at their stupidly impractical wedding declines an invitation.

If they are good friends OP I would lean towards accepting, sucking up the loss of annual leave if that's actually possible for you, and being bridesmaid but making it very clear that you cannot both attend a midweek remote childfree wedding.

Why are these weddings always in Scotland and the OP always lives in the south?

Threw it back in my face. Invitations haven't even gone out yet, just the Save the Dates. The specific person I'm thinking of can be a bit high maintenance so I took her into consideration for a lot of my choices as she was a close friend. Ran the date past her before we even booked the venue. Then she turned round and said her new boyfriend's friend might be getting married abroad that month so she probably couldn't make it, then she barely spoke to me again (that's been mutual tbf)

The point is, people advised me to prioritise me and the groom. I tried to be considerate of my guests, off the back of being at a couple of rubbish weddings where the guests felt like the audience, and many MN threads on the topic. Now I'm starting to think they had the right idea.

A lot of people live in the south and a proportion of them want to get married in beautiful Scotland and expect their guests to travel.

Yep. Most of the time it's people wanting fancy venues they can't afford otherwise.

YANBU. I knew my guests won't be able to come to my dream destination (and I wanted them with me), so I changed the location. This way my elderly grandma was able to come, people were able to organise childcare and no hassle with travelling as it was all local and we hired a coach to pick everyone up.

YANBU, the couple can choose whatever wedding they want but accept that if it's not local guests may not be able to attend and not make them feel guilty about it.

If the bride and groom genuinely want their guests to attend they'd make it easier.

I've been invited to some really inconvenient weddings and greeted with disgust that I wasn't going or guilted into going:
Scotland based couple, married in South Wales on a bank holiday weekend, £300+ a night hotel
Middle of nowhere field in SE for a camping wedding on a Thursday in term time
Monday wedding, term time at the other end of the country

My annual leave is planned to the half day for school holidays, I couldn't just book a random weekday for a wedding!

Personally I would respectfully decline!

They have probably now realised many won't be attending and are desperate to keep numbers as high as possible hence putting pressure on you, OP.

However, if you do go and leave DH at home with the children, unless there are lots of people there you know well, you could well end up feeling very out of place as B and G will be busy talking to everyone else understandably. (I am speaking from awful experience here.☹️)

If friends take the hump after you have explained it's just not possible - not enough AL, no childcare, finances etc. - then sorry but I would think this was pretty self absorbed of them and just let them come to you if and when they realise they were really being unreasonable.

Don't put yourself under so much strain, OP! Remember the MN mantra - "A wedding is an invitation and not a summons", (Or words to that effect 😂.)

its fine to do whatever you want as the couple but you have to accept some of your guests won’t be able to come, and you can’t get annoyed with them. For example if it’s cheaper to get a fancy venue mid week but that’s important to you.
we got married recently and for us it was more important to have everyone there - so went for a Saturday at a hotel which is the same price anyday. And city centre so easy transport and lots of accommodation choice, and no need for rural taxis! We didn’t say child free but ended up being that way apart from under 1 year olds.

Weekday weddings are rubbish, all the brides and grooms that have them say their one was fab but guests tell a different story.

We got married on a weekend, in an area close to family as we had moved away. We both worked shifts so weekends weren't easier for us, but we realised most others were restricted with work. That bit was fine.

We had complaints because we invited whole families (apparently some people don't want to bring their kids), it was when someone was going on holiday (as it turned out they booked after we told them the date, they just forgot), the drinks were expensive (drinks ar wedding venues are expensive, plus we put on a 'free' bar until after the meal), people would have to make their own way there as it was out of town (all wedding venues in that area are out of town so not unusual), etc.
The last one really annoyed me as we chose that area so our families and old friends wouldn't have to travel far (under 10 miles), it could easily have been 100 miles away where we live. In the end we begrudgingly put on a bus to transport guests, but what I really wanted to say was 'don't come then if it's too much hassle'.
Some people will never be happy, you can't please then all.

You've no idea why they chose that day. Accept that is what their wedding plans are, and either go and celebrate with them or decline the invitation and wish them well.

I don't think the B&G are doing anything wrong here. They've invited you. And also feel close enough to you to ask you to be a bridesmaid.

I don't think people are obliged to survey all potential guests on whether their plans fit in with their day. I don't think Scotland is completely out of the question, and for some people, doing a weekday is the difference between having the wedding of their dreams and having to make a big compromise. The trade-off is that a few who could otherwise come might not be able to, but conversely, those who really care would prioritise their leave time.

If the circumstances dictate that it will be too difficult for you then outline your issues to them in a considerate way. You never know, they might allow your children as an exception for part of the day, or suggest something that might work. If no solution can be found, politely decline. That would not be unreasonable. But taking umbrage that their dream wedding is inconvenient for you would be unreasonable.

The trade-off is that a few who could otherwise come might not be able to, but conversely, those who really care would prioritise their leave time.

You had an arguable point until this sentence.

The reality is that some people simply do not have the annual leave, particularly if you're going to invite parents or potentially anyone with caring responsibilities really. There are some people who simply need every single day to cover school holidays. It's not a question of prioritising leave time, it's a question of there not necessarily being available childcare in school holidays.

I agree, you should at least consider the logistics for your guests - particularly those you most want there (eg those you want to be a bridesmaid)
We had a lot of teacher friends and close family with school aged children) so we planned our wedding deliberately in the summer hols so they could attend. It did mean a couple of friends who work in the tourism industry were unable to get the time off as they were at their peak but that's how it goes and we planned it based on who was most important to us.

I agrée with you, but on the other hand we’ve been two two different sets of friends weddings in recent years where the children weren’t invited (Mauritius and Miami), and we are so glad that we did go through the extreme efforts it took to be able to attend. Each was an amazing experience, spending a week away with good friends.

There's always one who will snipe at the smallest flaw in what you've written. Yes some people may literally use up absolutely every single day of leave. The point I am making is that in general, the people who really want to be there will find a way.

I think in my friendship groups part of the issue is a few people went all out with their weddings when we were all younger/childfree. And now those of us who are getting married later are having to be more mindful of this. Which was absolutely fine for me but I can kind of see why one of my friends is a bit upset that she shelled out for all these big weddings but is having a lot of push back for her hen do etc.

DH once spent the best part of a thousand pounds getting to a friends wedding... for them to moan that he gave them a crap present and that I didn't go. Some brides/grooms are unreasonably demanding, some guests are awkward.

In your friends case, I wonder if a lot of people had had to decline and your DH was the last straw?

Your friends are probably aware that you will need to plan all sorts of arrangements and take AL etc etc, but are not aware that as working parents of 2 young children with little family to call upon, you are often having to make such plans.
They probably think the inconvenience to you is offset because they're good friends and this is a one off event. "Just get a baby sitter" etc.

They won't realise that maybe you've had 4 other non-children weddings, that you've had to take additional leave to care for poorly children, that you're saving hard for your first big family holiday, or whatever.

Who on God's earth gets married on a Tuesday?!

Small flaw? It's one of the key points in the OP that the annual leave is a ballache because of their situation. You're posting on a forum full of parents who know full well how difficult covering school holidays can be, you can't possibly have thought you could say something as clearly wrong as that and it not be pointed out. It's a rubbish point both in general and in application to this specific case.

@smileandsing Completely agree

@DuggeeHugPlease so we planned our wedding deliberately in the summer hols so they could attend. It did mean a couple of friends who work in the tourism industry were unable to get the time off as they were at their peak but that's how it goes and we planned it based on who was most important to us.

Ouch. If you're making the point that you should consider your guests, couldn't you have planned it for a Saturday off-season so everyone could (hopefully) attend?

I had thoughts about having my wedding in a particular far-flung country, in the snow, because I would've found it beautiful and a once-in-a-lifetime thing.

It didn't take me long to realise that barely anyone I cared about would've been able to come without huge inconvenience. So went for the wedding that was once-in-a-lifetime because of the people there.

What was your wedding like OP? If yours was a sensible weekend in a nearby UK location then I think you are justified in feeling a tad annoyed

How much notice have you been given for the wedding? if its just a few months then they are being unreasonable expecting people to magic time off work. if you've been given over a year though, for example I would say they have taken into account that people need notice to attend a wedding far away and book the time off to hopefully be able to attend.

Having said that, if they are having a child free wedding, far away and not providing any type of creche/childcare/childrens activities for the day then they can't expect anyone who has children to attend. Thats incredibly unreasonable.

Also, hen and stag abroad, when the wedding is also an event you'll have to travel to and fork out for hotels is totally bonkers (and selfish if they get shitty with people who can't go).

It sounds like its going to be too difficult for you if its very soon. Just tell them straight. Its going to be impossible to get childcare. Only way you can come is if your DH stays with the DC. Or they are providing some sort of child activity day with registered childcare providers.