To think people need to consider guests more when wedding planning

[juicyjanet1]

Another one. Another bloody wedding thread.
Invited to a Tuesday, term time, no kids, wedding in Scotland. (I live in Surrey and have one primary aged kid and one baby in nursery)..
Ordinarily I would just say no, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid and was greeted with confusion when I said to the bride and groom my husband wouldn't be able to come. We've been friends with both of them for a very long time, so they want both of us there.

We don't have family nearby and my siblings (and husbands siblings) all have their own children so can't magically be around on a weekday to do childcare. There is no childcare option other than leaving them with someone who is a stranger to our baby (will be 15months at the time of the wedding), which neither of us are comfortable doing.

I also am not pleased with having to take a few of my precious annual leave days to attend (I need them for school holidays!). There's even been talk of Hen and Stag do's abroad, god help me.

If people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope? I genuinely don't understand it. I have no problem with weekday weddings, child-free weddings or weddings far away or abroad. I do think it's unreasonable to expect me to attend!

Wow! 4 deposits! Thats awful!

That is wet blanket overkill though. It’s not really considering your guests but allowing MIL to push you around.

Yeah it's not about the notice its about the shit there goes 2-3 days leave how will we cover our child being ill

YANBU
I will NEVER ever consider being a guest if it means suffering financial losses or any other kind of losses for my family.
I don’t know who on earth people think they are, but I couldn’t care less. It’s just a wedding, it’s simply somewhere really behind in my list of priorities in life attending someone’s wedding, apart from my own children’s weddings (and I hope they won’t be unreasonably demanding with one).

They don't have to consider anyone, but shouldn't be offended if people decline invites, even if they have an official role in the wedding.

That has to be the rule for any wedding or special event.

Solomon Grundy had the audacity to get married on a Wednesday. The dirty bastard.

When we organised our wedding ( in central London) it was based entirely around the fact that all our friends and family are London based bar a couple from up North. So rather than ask everyone to travel, we chose the easier option. The last thing we wanted to do was ask people to pay a shitload of money just to watch us get married. I've been there and done that for almost all my friends and to be honest it pisses me off every single time.

We had a bus to move everyone from ceremony to venue, the photos took 20 minutes and we fed everyone a 3 course meal plus booze, cake and evening food.

We had a great day and we're finished in time for the majority of people to get the tube home!

DP has a relative who literally thinks that 'eloping' means going on holiday to have a fake wedding ceremony get married. It's probably on social media somewhere. Language evolves and all that yada yada as we're often being reminded on here.

YANBU
DH's friend got quite offended DH declined to go to his destination wedding. The friend said there was plenty of time to save up. Even only DH going and doing it as cheap and minimal time as possible, was well over £1k and just couldn't justify it. The friend is in a much better financial position to us, no kids, mortgage free etc.
DH had attended another friend's wedding that wasn't local, but it was much cheaper and we only had the 2 DC then. And that friend was expecting DH not to be able to go, as we had young DC>

And all this fuss and nonsense is why we booked a wedding and honeymoon abroad combined and invited no-one. 20 odd years later we still get jibes from some people about how hurt they were not to have been invited to the wedding. You just can't win when you get married. There will always be selfish people who make it very difficult for a bride and groom to plan anything according to their OWN wishes.

A couple will only have one wedding, they need to have the wedding they want. If they are private people who don't like fuss and they desperately want a wedding abroad on their own then guests should let them go and enjoy their own bloody wedding without tainting it. If they are very sociable and they don't really care where their wedding is as long as they have the big guest list that they want then they need to have organised things so it is possible for those guests to attend.

What should NOT be happening, when planning for any type of wedding, is for either bride or guest to sulk because the plans aren't going their way.

@KimmySchmitt
But your wedding arrangements are far more accommodating than OP's friends.
So I'm sorry that's happening to you.
Weddings are meant to be celebrations, but for all the family politics and dramas and crap they seem to cause, I sometimes wonder if they're worth all the hassle 🙄

I can see your point of view. But those are reasons to say sorry, no, you can't attend. A wedding is for the people being married. They get to set their own rules. That's reasonable and right. But they don't get to be upset at people who can't then participate.

My own son is getting married mid week and term time and I am a teacher! It is cheaper for them. I wi have to take 2 days unpaid leave.

I don't think it will necessarily be cheaper for them. A lot of these wedding packages rely on the bride and groom effectively 'selling on' the cost of inflated double room prices to their families and friends. It's why they they get so arsey with people who politely decline.

DP had one relative who was beside herself, with fiancé not far behind.

Yeah mid week weddings unless you are having a small intimate wedding are always going to be a big compromise for your guests.

Firstly you'll get people not able to take time off at all and also you have to accept that in most cases your night do is going to be quiet. Guests are generally more careful about how much they drink to avoid having to take a further day of annual leave off just for a hangover or they'll travel back earlier and stay sober to avoid more time off.

I had this discussion with my best friend while she was wedding planning. Being an ex-wedding planner I asked her what was important to her and it was the food, the venue and being the centre of attention (she loves it ha). So I warned her against a weekday wedding if having a big party and crowd was one of her important factors but the venue won her over and to afford it she chose a Wednesday and sadly regretted it due to the factors above.

YANBU - honestly guests were my #1 priority - DH and ILs had fallen in love with a venue that wasn't accessible without a car and while I liked it a lot too, I was cocerned about everyone being able to access, especially as a Sunday wedding so people might need to get back that night as it was 2 hours from where we live. So we put on a coach from somewhere easy to reach by public transport - we didn't just assume everyone could drive or afford a hotel room/Monday off work. I wanted my friends to be able to come (who were basically the no-cars, no-money crowd!), so we enabled that.

Irisversicolour,it wasn't just MIL,SIL complained about a Friday wedding, second one we booked,yet,she used to leave her DKs alone after school,and actually had plenty of time to get home after mid day wedding. Others worked Saturdays and complained

Until you have kids you just don’t tend to realise how hard childcare situations are. I had a friend wanting me to go to a weekly evening club that sure I would love to go to but said unfortunately i just don’t have any childcare options that late in the day at the moment and she was like “can’t you just get a babysitter for the three hours you aren’t home?” When I pointed out that this would add substantial cost to the cost of doing the club and that I couldn’t afford it she was shocked that babysitting wasn’t “isn’t it like £5-10 per night to some teenager or something?”

I wonder when people are going to stop having destination weddings and hen nights etc because it pisses people off so much. There are three places that are acceptable to have a wedding 1) the bride's parent's home town where she grew up (traditional option) 2) the bridegroom's parent's hometown where he grew up 3) the town the couple live in now. At least with those options at least some of the guests will not have to travel far.

It might be the B&Gs special day, but if they don't put consideration for guest front-and-centre it won't be special for any of the right reasons. Awkward locations, split venues with no transfers, child bans with exceptions, no thought for childcare when there's a child ban, awkward gaps in the day whilst the couple piss off for photos, etc.

If you want a wedding that's just about you, elope.

I don't think anyone is unreasonable, unless they get annoyed if guests can't attend. It's their wedding so they can plan it how they like, but shouldn't be offended it people can't go as a result. My own wedding was childfree and on a Sunday. Admittedly I didn't know how tough childcare was until I had kids myself!!

When planning a wedding, people definitely shouldn’t forget the importance of being a good host.

we had a weekday wedding, but it very small, after work, ended at a decent hour, and only one pair of guests was from out of town. Those guests were retired and didn’t mind traveling.

I would review your annual leave allocation for the year and if you just can’t afford the days, decline the invite. You aren’t going to be the only guest who doesn’t attend.

Yep - have been invited to an evening only mid week wedding - totally impractical as dh gets up at 5am and got nobody to have dd so they have said oh bring her. Not invited til 7.30pm and her bedtime is 8pm usually. I know it won't kill her to have a later nt but when l said oh we can't come they just said yeah she'll be fine bring her .
Of course it's OK to have a mid week wedding but you can't expect everyone to attend.

I love being invited to far flung places for weddings!

Inviting parents of young kids to a wedding, on a week day, during term time AND at least 6 hours travel away (that's only assuming Southern Scotland, it could be much longer) is pretty much an uninvite. I would definitely take it as a "we don't want you to attend but feel obligated to ask and hope you say no" invite.

Give them what they want. Decline and let her find another one for the wedding party. (Very weird that bride would go to the lengths of asking you to be part of the wedding)