To think people need to consider guests more when wedding planning

[juicyjanet1]

Another one. Another bloody wedding thread.
Invited to a Tuesday, term time, no kids, wedding in Scotland. (I live in Surrey and have one primary aged kid and one baby in nursery)..
Ordinarily I would just say no, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid and was greeted with confusion when I said to the bride and groom my husband wouldn't be able to come. We've been friends with both of them for a very long time, so they want both of us there.

We don't have family nearby and my siblings (and husbands siblings) all have their own children so can't magically be around on a weekday to do childcare. There is no childcare option other than leaving them with someone who is a stranger to our baby (will be 15months at the time of the wedding), which neither of us are comfortable doing.

I also am not pleased with having to take a few of my precious annual leave days to attend (I need them for school holidays!). There's even been talk of Hen and Stag do's abroad, god help me.

If people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope? I genuinely don't understand it. I have no problem with weekday weddings, child-free weddings or weddings far away or abroad. I do think it's unreasonable to expect me to attend!

You can of course just say no and, if they are sensible people, they will understand. Brides and grooms make decisions about particular dates/venues for all sorts of reasons. I did laugh at the posters suggesting you're not valued enough as they've not prioritised your needs. Good grief. Obviously, the day is not about you. I'm sure your friends understand that by choosing that date/venue not everyone they want there can come along but they've probably weighed up whether essential guests can - that's the choice they've made and they'll have their reasons.

We are getting married on a bank Holiday Monday - it is cheaper (by several thousand, as it happens) as previous posters have mentioned and it means we can marry next year in a place that means something to us. We told closest friends and family when we booked it over a year ago. Some of our invited guests will be unable to attend but we can live with that and will no doubt celebrate with them another time. But beyond out two immediate families and very closest friends, everyone else is a bonus. Perhaps your friends have a similar outlook?

Also unless you are actually planning a wedding yourself right now, you may not fully appreciate just how booked up venues are thanks to Covid backlog. Two years we're waiting to marry in our chosen location. So instead of judging people for their choices maybe just either say sorry but no, not possible, or make the effort if they are important to you. That's literally your choices.

This is a no-brainer. You wish her well but due to work and family commitments you can neither attend nor be a bridesmaid.

They can plan whatever they wish for their "big day" but can't expect huge outlays of time, money, annual leave, etc. for people who have lives of their own to manage.

(By which I mean I didn't go abroad! And nearly everyone could come! )

I don't think it is wrong. It can be difficult, but maybe not impossible. Those that really want to make it will at least try. If they have exhausted all means, well then decline the invite. If they don't want the hassle, decline the invite.

I think it's asking a lot of guests to use annual leave to attend a wedding on a weekday just so the couple marrying can save money. Likewise, to hold a wedding in some far flung place that will require at least two nights in a hotel. Then as if that wasn't enough challenge, no children. It's ridiculous. I'm at the point in my life where I would only agree to this for a sibling that I was very close to.

We have a cousin's wedding coming up on a weekday. We have 3 DC that will need to miss school, my eldest is in year 11. DH is self employed so no pay for that day off work. I only agreed to it because we have a relative getting on in age and I'm saying yes to any event involving them. Otherwise, I would have certainly said no.

doing a weekday is the difference between having the wedding of their dreams and having to make a big compromise

How can it be the wedding of their dreams if it means a lot of the people they care about can't attend? I don't really get couples who care more about the aesthetic than who celebrates with them.

Those that really want to make it will at least try. If they have exhausted all means, well then decline the invite.

Can I ask what means you used to get extra annual leave from your employer or shorten the school holidays?

That's going to cost a fortune in travel, accommodation, annual leave and childcare. I'd just decline and not give it another thought. How on earth are they expecting teachers to manage this!

I'm sure your friends understand that by choosing that date/venue not everyone they want there can come along but they've probably weighed up whether essential guests can - that's the choice they've made and they'll have their reasons.

Hmm, I wonder whether this is true. The OP said they seemed surprised at her DH not being able to come, and that they're all pretty close friends. It's obvious to people with caring responsibilities, so not even just those who are parents, how difficult this is liable to be for people without alternative care easily available. But people don't always realise, when that's not their experience.

I think they are entitled to have their wedding on whatever day they want etc etc. But you are also entitled to decline the invitation and I'd expect them to understand the reason why (even if they haven't got children they should be able to understand the issues)

What you've written here isn't the same as what you wrote before, though. You said people who really care would prioritise their leave time. This is obviously wrong because, as you appear to acknowledge, some people simply don't have the annual leave available. You're now talking about trying and exhausting all means, ie you seem to now accept that it won't always be possible.

To some people, the venue may be the most important part. To others it might be maximising the guests who can attend. If they go for a monday, they may have to accept a few might not be willing or able to attend. Thats the trade-off. I had a friend who got married abroad, I went but nearly choked when she said it worked out so much cheaper. Yeah, for you maybe! But thats what they wanted. It was a big outlay, and I was fortunate to be able to take a weeks holiday and find the money. Not everyone was in that position so a number of good friends didn't go. Not unreasonable by the couple, not unreasonable by the invited guests who declined.

This. All day long🤷‍♀️

@LuckySnips Can I ask what means you used to get extra annual leave from your employer or shorten the school holidays?

Volunteering to work bank holidays or weekends to accrue time, or using alternative childcare like holiday clubs to reduce the amount of time off needed. May not be applicable/appropriate for everyone, but there are potentially options

Just wanting to be there isn't going to magic up annual leave and some cash for flights

Tell them you're not comfortable leaving your baby with a stranger. YANBU.

I would freak if this were me in that situation, but the said I just wouldn't be able to justify going and leaving my little one, spending £££'s to get there, finding a hotel, gifts etc.

It's fine for them to arrange it and invite you (and you shouldn't be annoyed at merely being invited - YABU with that - of course they will invite you if you're close!)

But they shouldn't expect you to say yes if what they've arranged is very inconvenient.

If you will be so picky and subject my colloquialisms to AC12 style interrogation, yes I accept that a small minority who excuse themselves will have no leave left, no family to help, and would dearly love to make it. Just like a small minority of kids will genuinely have their homework eaten by their dog.

I know. You just cannot please everyone, as long as you know you are accommodating them, then know it's them!! Just accept their 'no' and save some money

If people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope?

Exactly, YANBU, OP.

The answer to the above is that they want a crowd of people to show off to.

I think the issue here is that it isn't a small number. It could be many of the guests.

YANBU

Just about to receive a wedding invite that is term time and miles away. Going to decline and will get loads of grief in doing so.

Again, it isn't being picky to point out that a claim you made, which wasn't a colloquialism either, was completely wrong. If the issue of people prioritising annual leave was important enough for you to bring up, it was also important enough for you to be corrected.

And I'd remind you that OP makes it clear that she is one of those people for whom annual leave is needed for school holidays. It's not nit picking, it's a key part of the situation here.

Just tell them that a weekday, term time wedding is a logistical nightmare and you can't see how it can be done. Wish them well and send them a gift. Job done. Tell them you can celebrate with them when you see them next.

To some people, the venue may be the most important part. To others it might be maximising the guests who can attend. If they go for a monday, they may have to accept a few might not be willing or able to attend. Thats the trade-off. I had a friend who got married abroad, I went but nearly choked when she said it worked out so much cheaper. Yeah, for you maybe! But thats what they wanted. It was a big outlay, and I was fortunate to be able to take a weeks holiday and find the money. Not everyone was in that position so a number of good friends didn't go. Not unreasonable by the couple, not unreasonable by the invited guests who declined

@Everanewbie Yeah, you see, the thing with that is, both choices are not equal. It's never right to prioritise a venue over guests being able to attend who love and care for you and who you like very much and want to be in your life for the foreseeable. It's just selfish, shallow, and very deeply wrong.