To think people need to consider guests more when wedding planning

[juicyjanet1]

Another one. Another bloody wedding thread.
Invited to a Tuesday, term time, no kids, wedding in Scotland. (I live in Surrey and have one primary aged kid and one baby in nursery)..
Ordinarily I would just say no, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid and was greeted with confusion when I said to the bride and groom my husband wouldn't be able to come. We've been friends with both of them for a very long time, so they want both of us there.

We don't have family nearby and my siblings (and husbands siblings) all have their own children so can't magically be around on a weekday to do childcare. There is no childcare option other than leaving them with someone who is a stranger to our baby (will be 15months at the time of the wedding), which neither of us are comfortable doing.

I also am not pleased with having to take a few of my precious annual leave days to attend (I need them for school holidays!). There's even been talk of Hen and Stag do's abroad, god help me.

If people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope? I genuinely don't understand it. I have no problem with weekday weddings, child-free weddings or weddings far away or abroad. I do think it's unreasonable to expect me to attend!

I’d probably say no. Sounds like a lot of effort and expense.

YANBU.

What it is, OP, is people wanting to live out the fantasy that they’re much richer than they are. A London couple getting married on a Summer weekend and inviting children can probably only afford a hotel/ pub buffet type venue.

The same couple, if they do term time weekday and refuse to host children and make their guests travel to Scotland, can afford a castle, a ghree course dinner and a live band.

Incredibly selfish imo. If you can’t afford your local castle at a weekend, hire a pub or the village hall, don’t drag your guests hundreds of miles away.

Obviously not. The venue must mean more to him than me.

I don't understand why people don't realise that their 'dream wedding' involves real people and that if they want those people there they have to think about what's possible for them.

I don't understand why people aren't more excited to go to 'dream weddings', they're great occasions

Because they cost a fortune out of your own budget. Then the cheeky couple expect gifts on top usually

I see it as a reason to have a little break, am happy to go, but no-one is forcing you.

No one is forcing the OP no. But the B&G seem to be keen on her and her husband being there and it seems unbelievably stupid not to have thought about the logistics for them.

I used to think these threads were made up or exaggerated until I went to a wedding that was already quite a commitment for many guests to go to and then only had enough seats at the (hour-long) ceremony for half the guests, and the arranged coach transport back from the remote venue was either 2.30am or fend for yourself What they were thinking I really do not know.

You are very well within your rights not to go under any of those circumstances OP, never mind all of them combined.

What do they expect you to do OP - put the kids in kennels?
Ridiculous.
I get fed up with being made to sit next to people I don't know and have no interest in for hours on end.

Bestcat, make friends with them!

Oh god, that's never fun.

I no longer go to weddings.

This. I wouldn't go, your friends have changed or you've never noticed that they have always been cheeky bastards. I mean having a wedding during the week to save money, but wanting stag do and hen do abroad? Funny how that part is expensive when they aren't expected to pay for it..

Also child free when they know their friends have kids, come on. And most people live in the south of England, but the wedding is in Scotland, so a long way, and most friends are teachers?

How much more evidence do you need that your friends are dickheads? They'll have no one there, except family, and whine about it and still expect presents.

Because I'd rather spend my precious time and money on a family holiday at a destination of my choosing, rather than spending it on somebody else's preference. Their dream isn't my dream.

I totally agree with you OP. We had a similar invitation last summer. Wedding at the opposite side of the country to where b&g and their family and friends live and it was on a Monday so it needed two days off work so annual leave needed and I needed someone else to take annual leave to mind DC. It made no sense and the bride was then panicked and shocked as she got so many regrets.

Yanbu if they really wanted you there they should at least allow kids to attend. Weekday weddings are cheaper but perhaps they could have chosen a date in school holidays at least. They obviously do want you there if you're a bridesmaid but I guess they haven't considered the logistics for you at all. If it makes it too hard to go then you can't go and they'll have to accept that and perhaps should have considered others more. If having the day the way they want is more important than the people attending then that's their call

YANBU I would say you can't go at all. These destination wedding aholes are the lowest of the low. I would never attend on principle. Also you realise you can't really be bridesmaid, you will be expected to go on the abroad hens do, and probably expected to go to Scotland before the wedding to help plan things, so thats at least three trips abroad. You know logistically and AL wise as well as child care wise that you just cannot do it. Better to decline being a bridesmaid asap so she can get another one. The sooner you tell her, the better. I'd also re-think going to the wedding at all, and re-think my friendship with her. I'm serious. Anyone selfish enough to plan an abroad wedding mid week with many teacher guests, and with children simply doesn't consider you or your friendship very highly. Weddings are when these arseholes show their real true selfish colours. Bin her off. She's not worth it and has shown you who she is.

@calmandcaffinated Babies and toddlers scream and cry. Many threads have been made on this board where wedding vows were drowned out by a screaming baby or toddler yelling out. One from memory had a toddler running up and down the aisle. And/or kids were running round, almost tripping up food/drink servers, etc. Not every function is child-friendly and weddings are not for children imo.

@CatsandFish probably expected to go to Scotland before the wedding to help plan things, so thats at least three trips abroad

Oh please 😂abroad?? It's Scotland! This website is so bloody anglocentric sometimes

@KimmySchmitt Scotland is abroad if you don't live in the country.

Scotland is abroad if you don't live in the country no it isn't. Abroad is outside the UK/Channel Islands/IOM.

Of course, the Scottish nationalists would like it to be abroad.

But anyway it's three long distance trips.

Does nobody get married in their home town leaving from their own home anymore?
All this 'destination wedding' business, it all strikes me as one upmanship. And as a pp said, desperation to give the appearance of wealth.
These people don't consider the guests, they simply want to be seen to be having the most exclusive or most exotic or most whatever wedding. Its like all the instagram rubbish. All about appearances and nothing particularly to do with the true meaning of the day, two people joining together. The point gets missed entirely. All those family and friends who want to celebrate a happy occasion faced with struggles of how to get there, whether they'll get leave, whether they have enough leave, never mind the cost!

Thats hurtful. I do hope you get your unpaid leave authorised.

Couldn't agree with you more.

I was out with friends during the summer and we were playing wedding bingo as to how many PITA foreign weddings we were invited to, and the new ruthlessness that they were being viewed with post Covid.

Most were being rejected for the reason of people simply not being arsed.

I declined 2 and attended one that was 2 hours drive away......that was enough of an effort for me.

With the way air travel has been recently I think many people simply do not wish to commit and feel empowered to just decline.

What?? Who is throwing what in your face?