To think people need to consider guests more when wedding planning

[juicyjanet1]

Another one. Another bloody wedding thread.
Invited to a Tuesday, term time, no kids, wedding in Scotland. (I live in Surrey and have one primary aged kid and one baby in nursery)..
Ordinarily I would just say no, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid and was greeted with confusion when I said to the bride and groom my husband wouldn't be able to come. We've been friends with both of them for a very long time, so they want both of us there.

We don't have family nearby and my siblings (and husbands siblings) all have their own children so can't magically be around on a weekday to do childcare. There is no childcare option other than leaving them with someone who is a stranger to our baby (will be 15months at the time of the wedding), which neither of us are comfortable doing.

I also am not pleased with having to take a few of my precious annual leave days to attend (I need them for school holidays!). There's even been talk of Hen and Stag do's abroad, god help me.

If people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope? I genuinely don't understand it. I have no problem with weekday weddings, child-free weddings or weddings far away or abroad. I do think it's unreasonable to expect me to attend!

Yeah don't go, I'd only want people who wanted to be there at my wedding

been asked to be a bridesmaid and was greeted with confusion when I said to the bride and groom my husband wouldn't be able to come. We've been friends with both of them for a very long time, so they want both of us there.

They want you there, just not enough to pay the extra to hold it on a weekend, include your DC or otherwise make it convenient for you but not requiring you to travel so far without DH/DC.

Why are you even thinking of doing this. Did they both literally save your life many times over, to cause such obligation?

Don't let the request to be bridesmaid confuse you. How much will the hen do cost you and how much of your time will you be expected to spend on it.

It's not "people" who need to be considerate of their guests. It's this particular set of friends. Is it possible they have already been turned down for this "honour" of being bridesmaids in such uncomfortable circumstances? Especially if many in their friendship circle have jobs where weekday holidays are hard to come by.

You might be the only guest there

This whole thing should be simple. When planning a wedding, the couple makes a list of crucial guests. The short list of people that they would be absolutely heartbroken if those people were not in attendance. For me that would be parents and siblings Before they put down any deposits, they check with those guests to make sure the planned wedding is going to work for all of them. That includes date, location, transportation, and any child arrangements. If not, then troubleshoot. Once the key guests are secured and the wedding is planned, the invitations go out and regrets from the general guests are accepted graciously.

Honestly I TRIED to make things easy for guest although people lived all over but we found a venue closest to the most people (a 15 minute of less taxi ride for most people) held it on a weekend, invited children and partners and everything.

We where repaid by EVERYONE fucking off home early because 'its so close to home why stay'. We invited 70 people from 4pm and by 7pm right after food just as the DJ was starting the majority of the guests left to 'go home' in fact the only 5 that stayed until the end actually where the ones who lived far away had to travel furthest and get a hotel.

We where pretty much the last in the friend group to get married, our wedding was a normal wedding (nothing 'strange' or rude - people where fed hog roast, venue was warm with plenty of seats and socialising areas, entertainment, the bar was cheap) unlike our friends we didnt get married in the arse end of nowhere on a weekday with expensive bars and extortionate manor hotel room prices and long awakward gaps in the day and yet people stayed at all the other weddings until the end at midnight.

Litrally every person when asked where they went said they 'just went home because they could' and we shouldnt have 'made it so easy' if we expected them to stay longer. Some sited their kids as the reason they left early (made sense for about 3 people with young children, the rest had teens who regularly stay out late and did stay at all other weddings when younger and half the guests where child free).

So maybe people planning childfree highland weddings on a wednesday are smart than we where because we clearly where mugged off for trying to make it easy for everyone.

A relative DH's got married a 12 HR drive and a ferry ride from where most of both families lived, and sent out invites with the vibe, 'Be great if you could come, but no worries if it's too far and you can't make it!'

Since we had young DC we didn't fancy the drive, and we couldn't afford to fly and hire a car. So we said no. And we weren't the only ones.

Said relative moaned loudly about how no one could be bothered to go to her wedding...

The thing is.. it’s 3 day’s holiday for you in reality if you’re going to be bridesmaid in Scotland on a Tuesday if you live in the South.
And 3 days of childcare to think about, plus the cost of 2 nights accommodation.

Id feel the same as you

Yeah 3 days of a holiday is nice

Yes destination weddings can often be quite selfish.
DH has had to go to a few over the years where neither I and DC are invited - so they want him to give up a long weekend, spent at least £1k on flights and hotels and hire car (if not more, let’s be honest) and not even get to bring his family and make a mini holiday out of it.
I think if you’re doing a destination wedding you need to keep it as open as possible for guests - come alone if it’s easier, come as a family and make it a holiday, don’t come at all if you can’t afford it - all with zero pressure. You’re asking such a lot in the first place, don’t make it more of a burden.

Since having DC I’ve actually declined most wedding invites I’ve had as most of them don’t include children and mine are too young for me to want to leave. I don’t feel any guilt over declining.
When I was younger though, like most people I had a few years when a lot of friends got married all at once. I enjoyed most of them but they were always a big ask - give up a weekend or use AL, pay for hotels and trains and the hen party beforehand. It’s nice when you feel like the bride and groom get it and appreciate the effort.

I meant that’s probably 3 day’s annual leave and possibly the same for your DH?

@mam0918 I feel like getting married later in a friendship group is harder. The first few weddings they get all the goodwill of it being a novel experience -
My first wedding as an adult I quite enjoyed the whole build up too - I was about 24 and happy to use the annual leave, I didn’t mind throwing money at a hotel and train and gift and wedding outfit because it was my first one and basically one of my biggest events of the year too. All we (her friends) did for like the whole year before was talk about the wedding. It was a BIG deal. A number of weddings later you start to resent the effort and money and now, in my late thirties with DC I’m not going to a single wedding unless it’s convenient. When I was in my 20s all my money was disposable, now I’m older it’s not. I don’t have people to leave my DC with, I’m not going to anything that is awkward with school dates etc. Those who marry later really do pull the short straw. I suppose it’s just a different thing when your friendship group goes from child free to largely not.
I have heard that once your guests are a bit older again it all gets easier again but who knows. For instance, I know a man who had a Las Vegas stag do at about 50 and all his friends came because by that point it was a novelty again and most of them had decent disposable income.

I’m not being a hypocrite here btw - having been to far too many weddings I decided it wasn’t for me and eloped.

But why can’t the bride and groom be selfish and have the wedding they want it is their day after all

I agree it's surprising how little people seen to consider their guests - sometimes only. I have been susprised at how casually annual leave is treated. Its so precious!

Is the wedding they want one where half the guests don’t show and the ones that do are tired, pissed off and resentful?

Why do B&Gs want days that cause other people so much hassle anyway?

I totally agree, BUT - a big BUT - they should then not act as though others are slighting them or are 'bad friends' if they decline the invitation.

I think people get carried away with the aesthetic of it all and are surprised to find out that the only people really arsed about their wedding is the bride and groom themselves.

Yes no kids is very much a thing. I don't know one wedding I've been to that was kids invited except my SIL's 11 years ago. But then again she didn't pay for her wedding and the kids were noisily dancing in the aisle during the ceremony.

Because a wedding isn't and shouldn't be just about the bride and groom unless they have decided not to have any guests.

If they decide that the venue is more important than having all their loved ones at their wedding they have no right to get stroppy about the non attendance of some of the guests.

Why? Different people want different weddings.

It's not about the "aesthetic" though is it? OP said Scotland means a lot to the couple as they holiday there a lot. So it's a meaningful location to them, probably more so than the local community hall! Different locations create different vibes that suit the married couples. A barn wedding will have a different feel to a wedding out in a field with tepee's or a church wedding.

Wasn’t he bothered if your unpaid leave was refused. It’s not a given it will be granted or maybe only day itself granted meaning you can’t go to full thing.

My grandparents married on a Tuesday but in their home town. They both and many of their family and friends were shop workers and it was half day closing.

Completely agree, midweek child free weddings are the worst, especially when we're told we can 'let our hair down and have fun without the kids' there's not much of that when you've used up scant holiday and had to make lots of stressful if not expensive arrangements.

Had similar where my husband was best man but they just accepted that I couldn't go except the evening. My mum travelled across the country to look after the kids and I then got the train up for the evening do. Train fares between the journey's was a few hundred quid, probably most expensive wedding we'd been to. Not even factoring in the 3 days leave we'd 'bought'

You should have just not gone though @Yazo you had a choice

Well that's true but after missing about 5 child free weddings @Fupoffyagrasshole thought I'd turn up at one of them.

OP have you agreed to be bridesmaid? There could be more costs.

i'm fine with people having the wedding they want but they have to accept some people can't attend.