To think people need to consider guests more when wedding planning

[juicyjanet1]

Another one. Another bloody wedding thread.
Invited to a Tuesday, term time, no kids, wedding in Scotland. (I live in Surrey and have one primary aged kid and one baby in nursery)..
Ordinarily I would just say no, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid and was greeted with confusion when I said to the bride and groom my husband wouldn't be able to come. We've been friends with both of them for a very long time, so they want both of us there.

We don't have family nearby and my siblings (and husbands siblings) all have their own children so can't magically be around on a weekday to do childcare. There is no childcare option other than leaving them with someone who is a stranger to our baby (will be 15months at the time of the wedding), which neither of us are comfortable doing.

I also am not pleased with having to take a few of my precious annual leave days to attend (I need them for school holidays!). There's even been talk of Hen and Stag do's abroad, god help me.

If people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope? I genuinely don't understand it. I have no problem with weekday weddings, child-free weddings or weddings far away or abroad. I do think it's unreasonable to expect me to attend!

YANBU. So thoughtless. Even without kids, a Tuesday wedding means using annual leave, and in your case, loads of travel.

If they want you as a bridesmaid, they should have checked your availability even if they couldn't fully accommodate it.

Are you going to go?

If it genuinely doesn't work for you, politely decline, outlining your reasons. If the bride is a good person she will understand and let it slide. But I don't think she's being U to have a wedding on a tuedsay or in Scotland.

This.

Honestly, I'd be really honest and say its too big of an ask, that you're really sorry but you need your annual leave for school holidays, that maybe some Saturday the two of ye could do something really nice instead - spa day, afternoon tea, your treat..

I think couples are entitled to choose where and when they want to get married and who to invite (including whether to invite children) but if they choose arrangements that will be difficult and/or expensive for their guests they should understand that quite a few will not be able to come. And should not be offended or try to guilt trip their guests.

However, I think lots of couples don't really think about or understand that their guests may have other priorities. Good friends of mine had a child-free, mid week wedding at a place that was special to them but hundreds of miles from where they lived. They were genuinely surprised that quite a few people declined their invitation and the groom's brother said he couldn't come without his children. Their expectation was that all their guests would see it as a brilliant excuse for a few days holiday in a lovely location and that anyone with children would have grandparents who would be delighted to look after them. A few years later they had children of their own, jobs with limited holidays etc and admitted that they would never be able to attend a wedding like their own.

They’ve chosen to save money at the expense of guests annual leave.

So be it.

Don’t go.

I actually agree with you. I'd prefer a wedding that made things easy for the guests, and went out of my way to do that. It could have been at Buckingham Palace, but if my friends and family couldn't be there, it wouldn't be my idea of a dream wedding. But others have different ideas, and can't be expected to structure their dream wedding around a small proportion of their guests.

Getting married on a weekday is significantly cheaper for the bride and groom. And it’s more often than not a total ball ache for guests. I understand your predicament, I was in exactly the same situation last year. I went alone, husband had to look after the DC.

I got married on a weekday for very personal reasons, money was not the issue so to say a weekday invite speaks volumes is inconsiderate, you don't know everyone's story.

I think YABU. If you want to go then go and if you don't want to then don't. I actually think you don't won't to go but are going anyway and going to be pissed off about it. That's the very worst option!
Obviously if people organize awkward weddings then they would be unreasonable to be annoyed of people don't pitch up.

Cut people some slack.

They mostly only ever organise 1 wedding, and everyone will tell them how wonderful it was.....

I do know a few people who had weekday weddings, but they all kept them quite small and relaxed rather than having the full wedding party with bridesmaids, ushers, best man etc, which meant that no friends were put into a position where they HAD to attend because they were 'in the wedding party'. More of a 'We'd really love you to come and celebrate with us, but we know a weekday might be difficult so please don't worry about offending us if this makes it a logistical nightmare!' kind of thing.

YANBU

When I got married I had a child free wedding but at that time only two of my friends had kids. The wedding was also in my hometown on a Saturday and the friends who did have kids also lived in my hometown so their parents were able to easily babysit. No issues! I had a bridesmaid, let me call her Jo.

Jo organised my hen do but I paid my way. I also bought rounds of drinks for everyone during the hen weekend. After my wedding I sent all the bridesmaids a huge bouquet of flowers to say thank you for organising my hen do.

Jo earns considerably more money than me and loves to tell people how much she earns.

Jo got engaged two years ago and I was asked to be bridesmaid. I accepted and I helped organise her hen do. Me and the other bridesmaids all paid for Jo's share of the hen do. At no point did she ask how much she owed and at no point did she offer to even buy one round of drinks. I was never thanked for organising her hen do.

Jo got married this year in Portugal and I was bridesmaid. It was a child free wedding. I have two kids. Everyone else had kids (including herself). Her own two kids were at the wedding but no other kids were invited. Because of this, there were very few couples there because one half of each couple had to stay in the UK with their children. My DH and kids came to Portugal with me and we made a holiday of it but on the day of the wedding, they all stayed at the hotel while I attended the wedding alone as a bridesmaid.

Leading up to the wedding there was also discussions with Jo about her and her husband to be wanting the bridesmaids and groomsmen to stay in the same hotel as them. We looked at prices (£250 a night) and I said we couldn't afford it. She got the hump and said it was very reasonably priced!!!

On the day of the wedding she was extremely rude to me in front of a group of people I didn't know, I was so embarrassed!

When I returned to the UK I sent a wedding gift to her but to this day, I have never received a thank you card or thank you for organising (and paying for a chunk of) her hen do. We also haven't spoken since the wedding 6 months ago.

I feel that there are too many bridezilla and too many people get married abroad these days for the OK magazine photoshoot. They also are never grateful at the cost of you attending their wedding abroad/a distance from home and just expect it.

For me, I wanted to get married in the UK, in my hometown so that it was easy for all of my friends and family to be there as that was all that mattered to me!

Op- do not feel guilty for not going if that is what you decide to do!

This is total bullshit and quite rude. I don't have kids and I'm perfectly capable of understanding this (it's one of the many many reasons I've chosen not to have them).

I didn't actually realise the date would be a problem for them until we'd booked everything. In actual fact they rsvp'd yes and then cancelled 2 days before saying they were too busy so we ended up paying for their places but that wasn't relevant to this discussion.

My point was more that we considered as best we could the needs of our guests - without surveying every single one.

I had a mid week wedding and basically knowing I would mean some people couldn’t make it so we could keep it smaller! But at same time inviting everyone so you didn’t offend people by not sending invites at all

impossible to keep everyone happy

I think with weddings just do what you want

I certainly didn’t consider a single other person in my day other than me and my husband ! Our wedding

didn’t care if people Didn’t like what we chose

if you can’t go just don’t go

I think if you plan a mid week, no child or a wedding miles from where you live, you have to accept the fact that some people will be unwilling or unable to attend. You can't then get stuffy or upset if people you wanted to attend won't be there. I'd certainly think twice about attending a wedding where I had to use annual leave up.

Weddings are very all consuming to those getting married, and close family, but not all that special to other people

They sound like self absorbed people.

OP, tell them logistically it is not possible.

You have children and it isn't doable, unfortunately.

Your AL is too precious and necessary for emergencies.

Tell her asap.

When things are not local and not on a weekend, you just have to accept it won't suit some people.

This is well expressed!

Not poorly worded at all.

Unfortunately some people can’t work out that if X + Y = Z it does not mean that there can be no other permutations…

I hear you, OP. Then again, I'm coming from the same page because we did elope. MN wedding threads to me read as a weird parallel universe in which people seem genuinely afraid to decline, or that engaged couples are willing to put a bomb under their family/friendship dynamics merely because someone's refused their invitation. Hence all the shocked expostulations: 'but it's your brother's WEDDING!' So? The world won't implode.

Admittedly the above isn't too helpful to your circumstances, but what's called for here is a gracious regret - without explanations or excuses - which somehow conveys that no reasonable person would see this as an opening to argument, negotiation, or histrionics. Easily said, I know, but these days I for one have fewer fucks to give about saying 'no' for fear of negative ramifications or someone having a hissy. They'll just have to have one. And if that's a friendship dealbreaker, maybe there wasn't so much of a deal to break in the first place.

Do you think people who elope have no consideration for their guests

People who elope generally tend to avoid this particular predicament.

DH’s uni friends invited us to a weekday, term time, child free wedding hundreds of miles from where we lived. At the time we had DS in nursery, no family childcare and I worked in a school so couldn’t take leave in term time. We explained this to them and said that only DH would be attending. Right up to a couple of weeks before the wedding they were asking if I had managed to sort everything out so I could attend. I can sort of see that if you don’t have kids you might not get the childcare issue but they didn’t grasp my work issue either! Utterly bizarre.

I wouldnt go in your situation. A friend is getting married soon in a location miles away, will likely choose a weekday as well. I'll go myself as my children are teenagers but DH and kids won't go as too £££ and disruptive. To be honest if it was the weekend it would be tricky as well as all 4 of us are so busy we need to weekends to recharge. I resent shlepping about at the weekends when it's not my choice now I'm older (and less of a people pleaser). I would likely turn down any offer of being a bridesmaid as I'd simply find it way too stressful.

YANBU. I got married at 38 and applied all of my learnings from being a wedding guest numerous times into making it a more guest-friendly and convenient experience. Including but not limited to: not running out of wine before the meal started, not leaving the guests for over 3 hours to have some piccies taken, not pushing them out onto a freezing lake in a paddle boat in the middle of December. And even to the extent of choosing one venue over another as the second would have been a ball-ache for guests to get to.

There were still enough, most likely, twatty things that made it personal to us but the day we wanted was for us to enjoy spending time with friends and family so making it an enjoyable experience for them was part of that.