To think people need to consider guests more when wedding planning

[juicyjanet1]

Another one. Another bloody wedding thread.
Invited to a Tuesday, term time, no kids, wedding in Scotland. (I live in Surrey and have one primary aged kid and one baby in nursery)..
Ordinarily I would just say no, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid and was greeted with confusion when I said to the bride and groom my husband wouldn't be able to come. We've been friends with both of them for a very long time, so they want both of us there.

We don't have family nearby and my siblings (and husbands siblings) all have their own children so can't magically be around on a weekday to do childcare. There is no childcare option other than leaving them with someone who is a stranger to our baby (will be 15months at the time of the wedding), which neither of us are comfortable doing.

I also am not pleased with having to take a few of my precious annual leave days to attend (I need them for school holidays!). There's even been talk of Hen and Stag do's abroad, god help me.

If people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope? I genuinely don't understand it. I have no problem with weekday weddings, child-free weddings or weddings far away or abroad. I do think it's unreasonable to expect me to attend!

Meh.
Weddings are just a day in someone else's life. No biggie if you are not able to attend when the odds are so obviously stacked against you doing so.
Don't feel bad; wish them well and say you can't wait for the photos.

What guests? I thought that the point of eloping was that you're running away to do it.

Back in the day weddings were a local affair with a bit of dancing and a few butties at the village hall. Nowadays, like everything else it's OTT. Expensive. Expected to use annual leave. Stag/Hens overseas or expensive spa's (more AL and 💰 ) Wedding Gifts 🎁 (pressure to put a decent amount in the card). It's endless, exhausting and relentless. Unless it's someone very close and important to me I'd rather sack off the whole thing and save myself the anxiety!

I agree wholeheartedly OP.

DH and I thankfully were on the same page and prioritised it being easy to get to/from and as inexpensive as possible.

We spent 20 mins taking photos, had loads of reception drinks and did speeches immediately before food and limited them to 2 mins.

We went for a cheap venue so could have a free bar and people were within 10 miles.

My hen was one day, cost £35 and I provided all the food and planned it myself.

No evening guests.

People regularly tell us it was absolutely masses of fun apropos of nothing.

Kids were welcome and I did all the planning myself - none of my bridesmaids were put through a load of bollocks.

Cost way less than so many that felt distinctly not fun.

I don't think weekday weddings save much if any money any more. Venues are still rebooking from Covid and trying to get the new lot of bookings in.

If it doesn't work, don't go on the other hand if she really wanted you to be BM she would have prioritised that. Just decline.

‘…those who really care would prioritise their leave time.’

Huge LOL.

Anyone who spouts such ridiculous nonsense either doesn’t have kids or has willing parents available for free babysitting at a moments notice.

Since DC, we’ve been out once during the last 15 years for a child free evening together. Travelling to Scotland for a mid-week wedding would be as easy as travelling to Australia. 🤦🏻‍♀️

Really? I do understand, that's partly the reason I don't have children.

OP, tell her as soon as possible that it doesn't work for you and wish them a wonderful day. If you're really close, send a card or a gift.

YANBU my sister in law wanted to have an "elopement" wedding where she fucked off several hundred miles away to get married but also wanted all her close family to attend.

She then got really upset when we confirmed we couldn't afford at all to travel several hundred miles and pay for accommodation let alone take DD out of school during GCSE exam time.

By all means folk can plan the wedding they want, but they can't take offence if others can't accommodate that.

Nobody is holding you hostage to say you MUST go to this weekday wedding....so don't go.

Politely decline. Decline being a bridesmaid/maid of honor/whatever.

Just don't go.

Agree

And what if they don't, or would prefer to decide for themselves how to prioritize their time and resources? It isn't a hanging offence.

I'm surprised they're surprised, but you're entirely reasonable to pass. Many years ago I was invited to 2 weddings near St Andrews, within the same month. I didn't have children, but did have limited disposable income, and this was in the phase of life where your whole summer is dominated by weddings. One couple lived in Scotland, and the brides parents were from the area they married in. The other lived in the Home Counties, but chose Scotland as they liked holidaying there. The vast majority of their guests and families also lived in the south east. I could only afford to attend one, so I chose the first. The second seemed unnecessarily awkward. Their choice, of course, but also mine not to schlep up there again. They weren't difficult about it, however, which is key.

Sounds like my kind of wedding!

This!!

I don't think @PerfectlyPreservedQuagaarWarrior is sniping at a small flaw tho. In fact they articulated my thought on reading your post. A Tuesday wedding in Scotland when you live int he south east is surely a three-day event (I am keen on driving, but even I cannot imagine how you could get up, drive to Scotland and go to a wedding all on the same day).

That's not about "using up every single day of leave" - that's about have three days of leave spare. When my DC were school age, there was no way I could summon up three spare days of AL at will. Every day and I mean every day was eaten up with school holiday cover, of which only one meagre week would be spent with DH and the family on an actual holiday. Anyone with kids and no parent at home who cannot see this must have accommodating grandparents on hand. If so, great; but many of us did not.

OP I think you are quite entitled not to go and tbh that would be my choice. Make sure you give them lots of notice of course.

Indeed. However, we have a multi-national affair.
I have no idea how to plan the dam even at all.
One of us will have very few guests whatever we do.
Bloody nuisance.
The op and the other party have my sympathies.

Different perspective here. We had decided on Gretna Green,quiet wedding second time around just us and the kids. Mentioned to MIL,had paid deposit, she went mad,(DH owed her nothing,she walked out on him aged 7, plus younger siblings, went off with another man) basically, she was a bully everyone was scared of her. Booked wedding,day, venue, reception 4times to suit mostly her, but others as well, trying to please everyone. We lost 4 deposits,I became so stressed, I said if his fucking mother said one more word.... the wedding was off,he laughed, I meant it. Had honeymoon before the wedding. Wishing I had put US first, not the guests.

The irony of the 'how dare they have a child free wedding' posts from those who admit to having a child free wedding themselves is something to behold.

YABU

It’s their wedding.

Why would they pay double the cost just to suit other people.

I wouldn’t want to take annual leave either so I would just say you can’t go.

My job wouldn’t allow me to take time off for a wedding during term time so I’m sure you won’t be the only one not going.

@nannybeach

But that’s not about putting guests first - that’s about kowtowing to a narcissistic bint.

IF you decide to have a wedding with guests then they need proper consideration.

If you want to elope, elope.

And for PP who said ‘if you really want to be there you’ll find a way’ it’s just more emotional blackmail bollocks. If my sister decided to get married in St Lucia in a child free wedding mid term then I couldn’t go:

1. Money
2. I can’t take term time holiday
3. Both of my kids have ASD and we try to limit overnight trips to 2 nights.

No amount of ‘will’ can magic up the funds, a new contract at work and some NT children.

Most friends and the bride's family are south-east England, many of whom are teachers so I'm guessing will be an automatic no from them.

They will get a rude awakening when most of these potential guests decline then. It will be a cheaper wedding because they won't have many guests to pay for. If it doesn't work for you then just decline.

I got married in my home town. DH was from 300 miles away. Most of his family couldn't come to the wedding because they couldn't afford to. We understood, and went to visit them when we spent the first week of our honeymoon in the village where he was born. They were thrilled to see us.

I don't understand why couples prioritise a venue over their guests

Just decline.

Just say no OP. Seeing people get married isn’t that big a deal anyway.

If they’d arranged it for a weekend, it’s a major faff but ok. But a Tuesday during term time, the answer is I am terribly sorry but I will be at work.

That's a good point about the number of teachers, actually. There are a few accounts on here of what happens when your day your rules runs into it's an invitation not a summons in practice, and it sounds like this might end up being another.

I’d probably just decline and say you’ll celebrate with them nearer home. I’d think seriously about being bm as may involve a lot of extra time - dress fittings, hen dos etc.
One option is to all go for a little holiday and just you go to ceremony but will mean taking child out of school for 3 days but unlikely to be fined.