To think people need to consider guests more when wedding planning

[juicyjanet1]

Another one. Another bloody wedding thread.
Invited to a Tuesday, term time, no kids, wedding in Scotland. (I live in Surrey and have one primary aged kid and one baby in nursery)..
Ordinarily I would just say no, but I've been asked to be a bridesmaid and was greeted with confusion when I said to the bride and groom my husband wouldn't be able to come. We've been friends with both of them for a very long time, so they want both of us there.

We don't have family nearby and my siblings (and husbands siblings) all have their own children so can't magically be around on a weekday to do childcare. There is no childcare option other than leaving them with someone who is a stranger to our baby (will be 15months at the time of the wedding), which neither of us are comfortable doing.

I also am not pleased with having to take a few of my precious annual leave days to attend (I need them for school holidays!). There's even been talk of Hen and Stag do's abroad, god help me.

If people give so little consideration to their guests why don't they just elope? I genuinely don't understand it. I have no problem with weekday weddings, child-free weddings or weddings far away or abroad. I do think it's unreasonable to expect me to attend!

It’s the triple whammy of miles away, a Tuesday in term time and childfree that makes it impossible. I do wonder why no one kindly says to couple it might make things a bit tricky for lots of guests eg your sister is a teacher, your best friend has 3 small children etc. I think a lot get caught up in how lovely the place is and surely people will love to have a little holiday there without thinking of practicality.

I would decline gently now, and also preempt the hen do abroad by saying you simply won't be able to stretch to that either, but you will organise a dinner to celebrate both occasions when its convenient for all.

I would not even consider this invite, it would not be a dilemma for me.

It doesn't sound like you did the wrong thing to me! It sounds like you have one friend who's kind of a dick, and you're upset because she's a close friend and you understandably expected better of her

FWIW I think your approach sounds great and it's the one I'd take - for me, a wedding is about a celebration with loved ones, and you can't do that without the loved ones! So I will make efforts to maximise the number of people who come, and who come happily and without being severely financially impacted

@Angelinflipflops Have you not read this thread? It explains exactly why people can't shell out 1k to go to a wedding, or get leave or child care.

Ironically, given that the OP and indeed the couple themselves live in London, a wedding 'abroad' might actually be easier for them to get to than rural Scotland! The OP mentions hens and stags abroad too and it wouldn't surprise me if that part was less faff than the actual wedding itself.

I have been told I can verbally, but who knows what will happen in that time. At least I am not paying for it. He was given a generous sum to buy his house from my husband's pension pot.
I will pay for our stay at the venue but nothing more.

That’s good they have at least verbally ok’d it. Can you apply to governors and get it finalised asap. I’d hope it’s simply lack of thought but you must be upset.

Lots of people here saying it's the B&G's big day and they should do as they like but surely as the hosts of an event you should consider your guests? Now every bill/food/ transport costs are rising maybe people can't afford flights or long train fares or expensive overnights. Have the wedding you want but accept refusals politely, no guilt tripping or asking for reasons. Presuming you only invite the people you care for, why would you want to risk friendships just to twist their arms to turn up for one day?

We for invited to a mid term wedding, abroad, to a place where they only have two flights a week from London, nothing from our local airports. They expected me to take my kids out of school, for a week (as the flights were a lot of money it was more economical to come for a week than less). I was asked to be bridesmaid so I felt that pressure. In the end we planned to fly into a neighbouring country, and drive across the border for the wedding so that we could come for three nights, and arranged for several family members to do school pick ups and have the kids overnight. They complained that doing that the day before the wedding was putting too much risk on there being queues and other problems. They were also openly disappointed we weren't bring the kids.

Thank goodness it was planned for 2020!

What annoyed me most was finding out they had already got married in the UK and they were going to keep it to themselves until the day of the fake wedding abroad.

Same friend was visibly annoyed when I immediately said I didn't want to go to Malaysia with her for three weeks for her 30th. She felt that telling me two years in advance was giving me plenty of warning and couldn't understand that I didn't want to spend that much time and money with her and her chosen friends no matter how much notice she gave me.

People do often think they are the main character and everyone else needs to accommodate their every wish!

Cats and fish- it's the same thread every few months, I don't know why people get so pissed off about it. If you can't afford it or childcare is an issue, don't go, but not sure why being invited to an amazing party is seen with such bitterness. Stay at home and watch gogglebox

This is a tough one because I think a couple who are getting married have every right to choose where, when and who but at the same time if choosing a mid-week, far destination, no children wedding they’ve got to understand if half their guests cannot attend.

We married in April on a Saturday with a max travel time of 1 hour for all our guests. Many of my friends are teachers so I knew if I went for the cheaper option of mid-week I’d be missing out on having my best friends there and possibly more guests that couldn’t get the day off. I could of married mid-week at another venue hundreds of miles away but I wanted everyone to attend that meant more to me that my venue etc. But at the same time I’ve never had a dream wedding, setting, date etc so I can see why some are adamant on abroad weddings, further away destinations or mid-week to fit a certain date. I can understand child free weddings too but all of these I think most have to just realise not everyone will be able to attend!

so YANBU for thinking this

It’s fine to say just don’t go but it does lead to pressure and fall outs if the couple don’t just accept the refusal. Plus judging and pressure from family members. The memorable thread recently where op was being pressured by groom (her brother) and her mum to go to a remote Scottish childfree wedding when she couldn’t drive due to injury and her childcare had fallen through (covid). Then the update it wasn’t actually childfree as brides young relatives were there.
Not going to your brothers wedding if you are an ordinary family who gets on is a big deal and would be commented on. Hence wanting couples to have some thought for those attending when making plans.

Isn't everyone ultimately a grown up, able to make their own arrangements and decisions?

Always someone else's dream.

I don't understand why it has to be a "dream wedding".
Do people really spend years dreaming about their wedding day?
I wanted a lovely wedding day, which I got, but I think "dream weddings" weren't a thing when I got married 41 years ago.

What's wrong with someone else's dream? I've been to some awesome places that I would never have gone to because of someone else's dream

Because the ops post isn't a good idea in the slightest?

It's far away, child free, in the middle of the week. Making it difficult to get to, difficult to plan and expensive. Add on the stag/hen abroad and op is likely be spending 2grand on someone else's 'dream'. And we are assuming the couple will provide enough food for the wedding, given they are being cheap already I doubt that.

I think of the TV show Friends where some have money and others don't forgetting when they splurge on dinners or other activities the others can't do it.

Many of us from time-to-time can have tunnel vision. I recall a situation my mother brought me back to earth.

I had gone shopping for my graduation dress. We went into a typical department store. I saw it from a distance, as a lark, tried it on. I absolutely fell in love with this one dress. It had fake jewels (rubies & emeralds) on it. It was at the knee & was beautiful. I looked fabulous in it. It was $600. I was only going to spend at tops, $115. I just had to have it.

I would be wearing it under a robe, no one would see it. Any parties wouldn't dare wear it as many had backyard parties would be overdressed. I had no need for this dress & would be underused.

Here? The bride & groom are swept away by the destination. They aren't parents, nor apparently are worried about wasting vacation time. They're too focused on themselves & the 'dream' of their wedding, to realize it's a nightmare to others.

Wish them the best, ask if have a videographer/photographer can enjoy from a distance.

If pressured bluntly state "No matter how many times ask me, it's going to be new. Financially Its impractical & very costly for both you & your husband to take time off during this timeframe. Logistically, we're parents of a child attending school, but also an infant. I don't feel comfortable leaving my infant during the middle of the week & finding a 'reliable' stranger babysitter as well as come up with additional costs of travel. Can't do it now. Nor can I afford other parties at the expense of money taken from my kids."

If she can't understand that, no longer a close friend for awhile.

I think of the TV show Friends where some have money and others don't forgetting when they splurge on dinners or other activities the others can't do it.
Many of us from time-to-time can have tunnel vision. I recall a situation my mother brought me back to earth.

I had gone shopping for my graduation dress. We went into a typical department store. I saw it from a distance, as a lark, tried it on. I absolutely fell in love with this one dress. It had jewels (rubies & emeralds) on it. It was at the knee & was beautiful. I looked fabulous in it. It was $600. I was only going to spend at tops, $115. I just had to have it.

I would be wearing it under a robe, no one would see it. Any parties wouldn't dare wear it as many had backyard parties would be overdressed. I had no need for this dress & would be underused languishing away as never went out to use it.

Here? The bride & groom are swept away by the destination. They aren't parents, nor apparently are worried about wasting vacation time. They're too focused on themselves & the 'dream' of their wedding, to realize it's a nightmare to others.
Wish them the best, ask if have a videographer/photographer can enjoy from a distance.

If pressured bluntly state, "No matter how many times ask me, it's going to be n0. Financially Its impractical & very costly for me & my husband to take time off during this timeframe. Logistically, we're parents of a child attending school & an infant. I don't feel comfortable leaving my infant going to another country during the middle of the week. I'd also have to find a 'reliable' stranger babysit my kids which scares the hell out of me. Additionally, we'd have to sacrifice money to come up with additional costs of travel. It's not worth it at this moment. Nor can I afford to attend other parties because it would be at the expense of money taken from my kids."

If she can't understand that, then go NC as no longer a close friend can respect your finances & obligations.

It's makes me think of the TV show Friends where some have money and others don't forgetting when they splurge on dinners or other activities the others can't do it.

Many of us from time-to-time can have tunnel vision. I recall a situation my mother brought me back to earth.

I had gone shopping for my graduation dress. We went into a typical department store. I saw it from a distance, as a lark, tried it on. I absolutely fell in love with this one dress. It had fake jewels (rubies & emeralds) on it. It was at the knee & was beautiful. I looked fabulous in it. It was $600. I was only going to spend at tops, $115. I just had to have it.

I would be wearing it under a robe, no one would see it. Any parties wouldn't dare wear it as many had backyard parties would be overdressed. I had no need for this dress & would be underused.

Here? The bride & groom are swept away by the destination. They aren't parents, nor apparently are worried about wasting vacation time. They're too focused on themselves & the 'dream' of their wedding, to realize it's a nightmare to others.
Wish them the best, ask if have a videographer/photographer can enjoy from a distance.

If pressured bluntly state "No matter how many times ask me, it's going to be new. Financially Its impractical & very costly for both you & your husband to take time off during this timeframe. Logistically, we're parents of a child attending school, but also an infant. I don't feel comfortable leaving my infant during the middle of the week & finding a 'reliable' stranger babysitter as well as come up with additional costs of travel. Can't do it now. Nor can I afford other parties at the expense of money taken from my kids."

If she can't understand that, no longer a close friend for awhile.

I think of the TV show Friends where some have money and others don't forgetting when they splurge on dinners or other activities the others can't do it.
Many of us from time-to-time can have tunnel vision. I recall a situation my mother brought me back to earth.

I had gone shopping for my graduation dress. We went into a typical department store. I saw it from a distance, as a lark, tried it on. I absolutely fell in love with this one dress. It had fake jewels (rubies & emeralds) on it. It was at the knee & was beautiful. I looked fabulous in it. It was $600. I was only going to spend at tops, $115. I just had to have it.

I would be wearing it under a robe, no one would see it. Any parties wouldn't dare wear it as many had backyard parties would be overdressed. I had no need for this dress & would be underused.

Here? The bride & groom are swept away by the destination. They aren't parents, nor apparently are worried about wasting vacation time. They're too focused on themselves & the 'dream' of their wedding, to realize it's a nightmare to others.
Wish them the best, ask if have a videographer/photographer can enjoy from a distance.

If pressured bluntly state "No matter how many times ask me, it's going to be new. Financially Its impractical & very costly for both you & your husband to take time off during this timeframe. Logistically, we're parents of a child attending school, but also an infant. I don't feel comfortable leaving my infant during the middle of the week & finding a 'reliable' stranger babysitter as well as come up with additional costs of travel. Can't do it now. Nor can I afford other parties at the expense of money taken from my kids."

If she can't understand that, no longer a close friend for now maybe never.

Haven't read the full thread. I think: plan the wedding you want where you want when you want. But you should discuss the plan with the key people ie bridesmaids in advance. You don't want to take everyone into account, but if you want a bridesmaid you should make sure it works for them. Some of these answers are so black and white - you shouldn't take anyone into account etc - yes fine unless you actively want certain people there in which case be normal and discuss in advance.

50% end in divorce so consider your investment 😉

To answer a few questions:
My husband and I were married a long time ago, straight out of uni, very small local affair with close family only. However I do not hold this up as how weddings should be done. I've been to many lovely bigger fancier do's.

The difficulty my friend is facing is that she is one of the later ones to marry and we are now all in different situations with kids in tow, so there are different considerations compared to other mutual friends weddings. Though nobody else has had such as awkward choice of date and venue.

I also don't mind an adults only wedding, kids being at weddings is lovely but a very different vibe. However an adults only event locally, where you are returning to your house that evening is very different to one far away when you are trying to sort childcare.

The difficulty I am facing is that we are close, I wouldn't want to miss the wedding, but it is so difficult and a big ask. Also my friend does not have form for these things, she is generally very considerate, so comments of "reconsider the friendship" are a bit OTT.

I guess I'm just feeling "uuuugggghh, why does stuff have to be such an arse!" I was so excited for them before they shared the date and location!
I've looked up flights and I could go up late Monday evening, and back Wednesday morning, so 1.5 days annual leave. This is probably my best option, leaving my husband at home with the kids. Whether or not I can afford the annual leave is to be determined.

Be honest and say you can’t make it due to

being a tuesday so time off work
location
child free

honestly sounds like they want no guests

if you really wanted to go then yes you go alone , dh has dc or use usual childcare