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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want an "opt out" for funerals?

205 replies

HangingOver · 19/09/2022 11:12

Possible TW death and loss...

I've been thinking about this ever since the queen died....

If it were possible to tick a box saying "I do not want a funeral" I would probably do it...

Reason being I think funerals could be an example of something that society just carries on doing "because we've always done it" without questioning whether it's a good idea or not.

Every funeral I've been to I've found traumatic, no matter the age of the person. I barely know anyone religious (included the deceaseds) so the hymns and prayers bit seemed sort of odd. Suddenly being so close to a dead body in a box is at best strange and at worst panic inducing. Then everyone stands around afterwards saying how lovely the dead person was (when they really should have just told them when they were still alive).

I appreciate not everyone may feel this way, but is there a way of "opting out" and having the choice of having ones remains quietly disposed of by the hospital and everyone just have a nice dinner instead if they want to mark your passing?

OP posts:
Needahug72 · 19/09/2022 11:14

Direct cremation is the way to do this becoming more and more popular

Aconitum · 19/09/2022 11:16

I agree OP. I think funerals are the worst kind of purgatory. My Mum is a church goer so I have at least one more to endure in the next few years. Everyone else will get the pure cremation type thing.

Popc0rn · 19/09/2022 11:16

I appreciate not everyone may feel this way, but is there a way of "opting out" and having the choice of having ones remains quietly disposed of by the hospital and everyone just have a nice dinner instead if they want to mark your passing?

Yes. My father in law has told us that this is what he wants, he's prepaid for his cremation and has written down what he would like to happen to his ashes afterwards. He said he would just like us to go out for a nice family meal.

AnyOldThings · 19/09/2022 11:17

Of course you can opt out. Just request a direct cremation for when you go

AthenaWhite · 19/09/2022 11:18

Direct cremation the loved ones can have a lovely meal and sort the ashes out as they see fit and when they are able. That is what I'm going for though I've given dh and dd a veto if they felt they needed a funeral.

Mrsjayy · 19/09/2022 11:19

I'm having a direct crematorium, so there is no funeral as such mine definitely won't be religious.

Bubblebubblebah · 19/09/2022 11:19

You don't have to have a funeral.
Your opting out would be telling your family ehat your wishes are. My mum made it very clear to us what she wants, one of the grandparents also didn't have any.
Cremation and then ash sorrading with just family. All nice and quiet

Sunnyqueen · 19/09/2022 11:19

Speak for yourself. I want a traditional open coffin wake at home where everyone gets shit faced all around me and there's at least one fist fight😂

JackieDaws · 19/09/2022 11:19

Could go one step further and pretend that the deceased person has gone to live on Farmer Giles's farm as well.

tigger1001 · 19/09/2022 11:19

My dad wants a private funeral - only family (and even then not all family). So there won't be a notice in the paper etc and only the people he wants there will know it's happening.

rainbowandglitter · 19/09/2022 11:20

I've always said this. Funerals are awful things and I have no idea why they happen. I don't want people to have to go to one for me. They are traumatic and bring out tears and sadness etc.

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 19/09/2022 11:20

You can. As others have said, a direct cremation. Our family member just had one. I think the the only challenge is a sense of closure for family members.

fairgame84 · 19/09/2022 11:20

You can opt out.
My Dad has a funeral plan. There is to be no funeral, no mourners. Literally straight into cremation and that's it.

SpinCityBlues · 19/09/2022 11:21

I've got the forms for 'donating one's body to medical science' to complete. If my offer is accepted, the hospital will arrange everything around the cremation and disposal, and there's a small garden of remembrance for any relatives who are bothered.

BlueEyedcat · 19/09/2022 11:21

As a family this is our choice and has been for many many years now. We do not have funerals or any kind of service. Most have been cremated but nobody else attended that

Original poster
HangingOver · 19/09/2022 11:21

Speak for yourself. I want a traditional open coffin wake at home where everyone gets shit faced all around me and there's at least one fist fight😂

That made me lol

OP posts:
NuffSaidSam · 19/09/2022 11:21

You can do what you want! Don't have a funeral.

Also, funerals don't have to be religious. I've been to three in the past few years and absolutely no mention of any religion because the people weren't religious. That's an odd choice of the people you knew/their relatives if they've had a religious funeral, it's not a society level issue, just those people you know!

Scuttlingherbert · 19/09/2022 11:21

This is crazy. Funerals are for the living, to say goodbye.
Every funeral I've been to (including my partner) has been hugely helpful and cathartic, allowing family and friends to get together and grieve.

Grapefaced · 19/09/2022 11:22

I suppose when it's your time to go you're not going to know/care what happens anyway.

I find them particularly difficult TBH. I used to take comfort in them. But the last two I've been to have been for women who died in their late 30s and early 40s with cancer. Listening to someone harping on about God's plan and purpose about someone who suffered and died before their time was absolutely no comfort at all. I just feel angry now watching the Queens one listening to God this and God that.

ladygindiva · 19/09/2022 11:22

Sunnyqueen · 19/09/2022 11:19

Speak for yourself. I want a traditional open coffin wake at home where everyone gets shit faced all around me and there's at least one fist fight😂

🤣🤣🤣

BlueEyedcat · 19/09/2022 11:22

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 19/09/2022 11:20

You can. As others have said, a direct cremation. Our family member just had one. I think the the only challenge is a sense of closure for family members.

As a family we very much embrace there not being closure as such. We still feel the person who has died is still a part of our family but have a sense of we just can’t see them anymore if that makes sense? Almost as if they have him on a very long holiday ! We have no need to say a final goodbye

Stompythedinosaur · 19/09/2022 11:23

There's nothing wrong with not having a funeral, but they aren't really for the deceased person, are they? Surely what matters is whether the mourners want a funeral.

Mrsjayy · 19/09/2022 11:23

I've not looked into it yet I know people have funeral plans but my family know what I want .

Original poster
HangingOver · 19/09/2022 11:23

Actually I'd never thought about the medical research thing. Our family does have a rare genetic disease.

OP posts:
gamerchick · 19/09/2022 11:24

Direct cremation all the way here. Funerals give me the heebies and I detest how relatives creep out of the woodwork who didn't give the person the time of day when they were alive.

There's nothing stopping people holding a wake or whatever though if they want to get together.