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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want an "opt out" for funerals?

205 replies

HangingOver · 19/09/2022 11:12

Possible TW death and loss...

I've been thinking about this ever since the queen died....

If it were possible to tick a box saying "I do not want a funeral" I would probably do it...

Reason being I think funerals could be an example of something that society just carries on doing "because we've always done it" without questioning whether it's a good idea or not.

Every funeral I've been to I've found traumatic, no matter the age of the person. I barely know anyone religious (included the deceaseds) so the hymns and prayers bit seemed sort of odd. Suddenly being so close to a dead body in a box is at best strange and at worst panic inducing. Then everyone stands around afterwards saying how lovely the dead person was (when they really should have just told them when they were still alive).

I appreciate not everyone may feel this way, but is there a way of "opting out" and having the choice of having ones remains quietly disposed of by the hospital and everyone just have a nice dinner instead if they want to mark your passing?

OP posts:
AStar98 · 19/09/2022 11:43

I will opt out of a funeral, I don't see the point of them. Sometimes a nice to remember loved ones and tell others about their life but really, whomever you lose is personal to you. You can't convey that in a service, religious or not.

Lovelycupofcoffee · 19/09/2022 11:44

@gamerchick Agree 100% .

ManateeFair · 19/09/2022 11:44

You don’t have to have a funeral. My dad doesn’t want one so we won’t be having one for him.

shewhomustbeEbayed · 19/09/2022 11:44

I can see both sides, when my dad died 30 years ago he was married to my step-mum so we as his children had no say in his funeral.
Fast forward to my mum dying in February this year and it was really important that us as her grown up children were able to have the funeral we wanted for her.
We chose a family only service and picked a brilliant celebrant and we all talked about our personal memories of her, her service in the WRENS during the war, her favourite readings and played a couple of her favourite songs.
Everybody commented how lovely it was, a real celebration of her life and it really helped us to have closure.

ARoyalSubject · 19/09/2022 11:44

A direct cremation is what you are wanting.
.... but I think YABU, as the funeral is for the people left behind, not for the deceased. They should plan what works for them.

SimonaRazowska · 19/09/2022 11:46

I find funerals really hard, always feel overwhelmed by the awfulness of it

but I always assumed it must be the same for everyone?

it’s something to be gotten through. I switch my emotions off and tell myself I will process it all later

Moonmelodies · 19/09/2022 11:47

The simplest way is when the hospital rings you to tell you your xxx has died, simply reply "oh that is a shame" and put the phone down.
Let them deal with it.

Original poster
HangingOver · 19/09/2022 11:48

The funereal isn't about or for you

Well, it is a bit about you Grin

OP posts:
TonksInPurple · 19/09/2022 11:48

My mum wants to donate her body to science as she doesn’t want a funeral.

WaveyHair · 19/09/2022 11:49

I have stated I do not want a funeral. I would rather the money saved to be spent hiring a cottage one weekend in one of my favourite spots, with the urn containing my ashes amongst from decent bottles of whiskey and wine. Scatter me somewhere the next day when everyone has a raging hangover.

I just resent the whole service event usually run by a stranger.

HettyHensHideaway · 19/09/2022 11:51

You don’t have to have a funeral, I’m not having one. I’m being buried in a specific woodland for burials. No funeral, no wake, no attendees. You don’t have to do anything, just state it in your will.

itwasntmetho · 19/09/2022 11:51

Moonmelodies · 19/09/2022 11:47

The simplest way is when the hospital rings you to tell you your xxx has died, simply reply "oh that is a shame" and put the phone down.
Let them deal with it.

😆I like your style.
that’s what I want my son to be able to do.

BooksAndHooks · 19/09/2022 11:53

Yes of course you can opt out, it’s exactly what DH and I are doing. Either donate body if eligible or direct cremation. I would far rather the obscene cost of a funeral be spent by family doing something far more fun and meaningful in my memory.

Bunnynames101 · 19/09/2022 11:54

Another for direct cremation.

It's in my will and advanced directive. Take whatever parts they can for transplantation or research. Burn what's left.

SimonAndGarthsUncle · 19/09/2022 11:54

Why on earth would being close to a dead body in a box be panic inducing? Hmm

QueueEtwo · 19/09/2022 11:54

I find a funeral cathartic too!

It sort of draws a line under things! I've always felt better after the funeral of a loved one!

MrsDThomas · 19/09/2022 11:57

I want a burial but no tea and cake afterwards.

why would my family pay for others to gave a jolly? That is my opinion.

i remember my mum’s funeral. We were totally heartbroken. And the wake has people laughing and eating and drinking like it was a party. I left, I couldn’t stay there.

hence why we don’t want a “do” after it

FfeminyddCymraeg · 19/09/2022 11:58

I’m another one who wants to opt for a direct cremation. But with a party at some point afterwards where people eat great food, get a bit pissed and listen to my favourite music whilst talking about how amazing I was 😂🤩

dottiedodah · 19/09/2022 11:58

I too hate Funerals .My Dad died when I was a child.I didnt go the Funeral and wanted to .I think the family need closure .The Vicar said its worse for those left behind and it is! Its a chance to remember the persons life with other members of the family/friends all saying what She/He meant to them personally .

Annoyed200722 · 19/09/2022 12:00

You don't have to have a funeral now. Lots of people don't.

You can also have non-religious funerals. My dad's was conducted by a humanist celebrant. There were no hymns and no prayers as such. Instead we played music he loved and the words were more about his life, his impact on others and the gap he would leave. It was very personal and much more my dad that any religious service would have been.

Whatsthestoryboringglory · 19/09/2022 12:01

We had a family member who said they didn’t want a funeral. When they died their next of kin absolutely wanted and needed a funeral so they organised one. I think it’s complicated, and funerals are often more for the living than the dead.

I do agree with you though OP, I find them traumatic as I prefer private grief rather than short overwhelming public grief. I’d probably opt out if I could, and I’ve certainly told DP I want something short and not maudlin or gushy. Shove the cardboard coffin in the oven, play a bit of GnR as people walk out and then off for a cup of tea.

hewouldwouldnthe · 19/09/2022 12:01

Direct cremation for me too. I can't bear the thought of putting my kids through a funeral or having no one turn up!

Tiredmum100 · 19/09/2022 12:02

I know of someone who recently had a direct cremation. If you don't want a funeral, make your wishes to known to your family/friends.

tickticksnooze · 19/09/2022 12:02

Then everyone stands around afterwards saying how lovely the dead person was (when they really should have just told them when they were still alive).

I detest this too.

If you care about someone, tell them when they are alive. If you don't care about someone enough to do that, then shut the fuck up when they die.

weddingDecliner · 19/09/2022 12:04

A family member had direct cremation and his family didn't know when it had happened which they found quite stressful (ie there wasn't a set time given or even day)