to want an "opt out" for funerals?

[HangingOver]

Possible TW death and loss...

I've been thinking about this ever since the queen died....

If it were possible to tick a box saying "I do not want a funeral" I would probably do it...

Reason being I think funerals could be an example of something that society just carries on doing "because we've always done it" without questioning whether it's a good idea or not.

Every funeral I've been to I've found traumatic, no matter the age of the person. I barely know anyone religious (included the deceaseds) so the hymns and prayers bit seemed sort of odd. Suddenly being so close to a dead body in a box is at best strange and at worst panic inducing. Then everyone stands around afterwards saying how lovely the dead person was (when they really should have just told them when they were still alive).

I appreciate not everyone may feel this way, but is there a way of "opting out" and having the choice of having ones remains quietly disposed of by the hospital and everyone just have a nice dinner instead if they want to mark your passing?

There is. My mum wants a direct cremation- I can’t decide how I feel about it if I’m honest

Yes you can do that. You just need to let those people closest to you know and trust that they follow your wishes. Of course, there is no way of enforcing it, any more than there is a way of enforcing your wishes for a big, grand funeral.

We had a direct, unattended cremation for my father. Though we did also have memorial event (informal, non-religious, non-standard venue)

You can have a funeral without the hymns etc but I personally think a funeral is good way to say goodbye. My cousins grandad is insisting on no funeral and her and her father are upset about that and I would be too if my parents had opted for that.

I think funerals are for the bereaved, not the deceased. The ritual of saying goodbye and expressing feelings about your relationship to the deceased is valuable for the emotional process of the bereaved, whether it’s in the form of a funeral or a family dinner. Saying nice things about the person is valuable for the people who say those things to express grief about the things they will miss - it’s not about it being valuable for the deceased person.

If you find death and funerals traumatic and uncomfortable that’s totally understandable, but it’s possible there’s some buried emotional trauma and low self-esteem underlying this that it would be worth exploring and processing. Panic/anxiety can be a sign of unprocessed grief - is there some sadness or grief around relationships (whether to living or deceased people) that you might not have acknowledged fully?

Not quite the same but I'm determined to have a 'living funeral'

Two friends who died from cancer (so knew they were about to die) missed a golden opportunity in my opinion to get everyone who knew and adored them together and have everyone tell them how special they were, how they were wishing they weren't suffering and leaving and how very missed and sad we would all be without them.

Why wait until you are gone to have your entire tribe gathered and enjoying a knees-up without you?

Obvs this is only possible for the terminally ill. Or very old. My gran could have done it too she died at 96 but the year before was still sprightly and full of life with a huge group of friends and family.

Just to add, when my father in law told us that he had pre planned and paid for his funeral, I think he was doing it to save us the stress of having to guess what he would have wanted, and the financial worry of paying for it, they're not cheap! It was like an act of love towards us.

My direct cremation is all sorted. Family know. No religious wankery.

Friends nana left instructions. 'Straight to the crem. Pub lunch' so that's what they did!

Have you not heard of direct cremation?
You don't have to have a funeral.

Same for my dad. He told me to take any money left over and go on holiday

It's organised by the Human Tissue Authority. You have to 'apply' to your closest medical school but the website helps with all that. It also goes through the 'disposal of remains' options.

It's completely separate from organ donation (different act of parliament).

I'd actually quite like to be buried at sea, but apparently it's not really encouraged.

I voted YABU as funerals aren't for the dead, they are for the living.

I personally see them as one last chance to say goodbye, to share memories and stories from the life of the deceased from all the different aspects of their life.

I do think that people shouldn't be judged if they wish not to attend but I would be very sad if not given the option to attend a funeral of a loved one.

I think he was doing it to save us the stress of having to guess what he would have wanted, and the financial worry of paying for it

Yeah this is what I think.... PP saying the funeral is for the bereaved not the deceased but there does always seem to be a lot of "it's what so-and-so would want".

Remembering my poor DF trying to work out what DM would have wanted and how much it all cost in the depths of his grief broke my fucking heart. I just picked everything in the end to try to save him the job. It's was bloody awful.

I've left my body to a local teaching hospital when I die. It's not certain that they'll take it as it's dependant on what I die from and when (bank holidays and weekends are mainly not doable). If they don't take it, then I've discussed with my daughter what she and I would like to happen, it will be minimalist. Sister will want all the trimmings, and I'm keen that when I go, sister and daughter don't fall out. So I've told sister what I want and that I expect her to honour my wishes.

If, in the event, daughter changes her mind. I found organising the funeral for my mother quite distracting and therapeutic so she may feel the same. If she does, then she can go ahead and do whatever she wants. After all, I'll be in no position to object😁.

Do I think I've covered all the bases. I'll be leaving enough money for whatever daughter finds comforting.

I'd actually quite like to be buried at sea, but apparently it's not really encouraged

Could cause a stir is you washed up again tbf.

Funerals are for the people left behind, not the person who has gone. Once you're dead you have no say in it.

ive Already asked my children to not hold a funeral for me unless they particularly want one! I don’t have a soulmate or partner and only my children to miss me! Would much rather the cost of a funeral be spent on them! Direct cremation and my ashes scattered off my favourite cliffs on an off shore wind day is my request xxx

I actually rather like a funeral/memorial. It can be a very positive, joyful thing during a very negative time. But none of those I've been to recently have been at all religious. They've all been non-traditional and personal.

YANBU. My mum wants minimal fuss. Her biggest reason is that she knows how traumatic me and my dad would/will find sitting through a funeral. I also find them deeply distressing and the thought of being watched at the worst time(s) of my life is awful. The ceremony doesn't change anything about how you feel about a person. For me, being stoic in public when you're distressed is traumatic. Not everyone is able to hold it together and for those that find that hard it makes the death/grieving even worse.

There are loads of direct cremation places now and it’s becoming more popular . When my mum died a couple of years ago we had a private immediate family only funeral so there were only children and GC present , which made 7 of us altogether , it was lovely .

The only bonus of my mum dying mid covid, was that only 30 people could attend her funeral. I (and she) would have hated a large funeral. Having to be polite and entertain distant relatives/acquaintances at such an emotional time, would have been v painful.

My sister has had a lot of health issues and has signed up to donate her body to medical science when she dies. There is formal paperwork to complete. Once they have finished with her body they will cremate the remains. You can opt to have them returned to the family or disposed of - I think they spread them somewhere like a garden. She opted for that. When she dies I have to let them know and they arrange to collect her body etc It's slightly surreal but what she wants. We'll have some kind of remembrance for her with close family only I should think. We are a religious family so likely we'll have a special mass said for her but no funeral as such.

I think I would like a direct cremation, followed by a memorial service soon after. That way, noone has to look at a coffin, but friends and family can still get together, which many people find healing

My uncle didn’t have a funeral, he was cremated and given back to his wife. Who with their children and grandchildren scattered his ashes in a special place then had a pub lunch.

im going to do a direct cremation with a letter stating where to scatter my ashes
i dont want anything like a funeral or a wake when im gone