to want an "opt out" for funerals?

[HangingOver]

Possible TW death and loss...

I've been thinking about this ever since the queen died....

If it were possible to tick a box saying "I do not want a funeral" I would probably do it...

Reason being I think funerals could be an example of something that society just carries on doing "because we've always done it" without questioning whether it's a good idea or not.

Every funeral I've been to I've found traumatic, no matter the age of the person. I barely know anyone religious (included the deceaseds) so the hymns and prayers bit seemed sort of odd. Suddenly being so close to a dead body in a box is at best strange and at worst panic inducing. Then everyone stands around afterwards saying how lovely the dead person was (when they really should have just told them when they were still alive).

I appreciate not everyone may feel this way, but is there a way of "opting out" and having the choice of having ones remains quietly disposed of by the hospital and everyone just have a nice dinner instead if they want to mark your passing?

If you find funerals traumatic, don't go to them.

If a family are regular church goers, it can be comforting to have a funeral in a church they attend regularly. I think funerals held only at a cemetery can be difficult, as everything is unfamiliar, which is why direct cremations are becoming more popular. My funeral will most likely be at the church linked two my DCs school, so they'll have been there at least twice a week during their child hood. I hope the familiarity of the building, etc will help them. An atheist friend thinks I'm bonkers to believe this.

Of course there is. Leave your body to science and put your wishes clearly in your will. You need a direct cremation back up plan in case they can't use your body. Simple.

Wow this sounds brilliant! I never thought it would be possible to opt out.

Although I guess it is nice to mark a passing life, share stories and hear stories about them. I don’t find funerals massively traumatic.

I do think if I was old I would like to have a pre-funeral though, a nice party for me while I was still there? Like turn 80 and insist on speeches etc, spend loads of money on it and invite everyone alive who knew you. Then when you die just have the quiet cremation.

But for those who pass away unexpectedly and young then the funeral is the only chance for people who love them to properly mark their lives isn’t it?

It is possible to put in writing that you don't want a funeral, preferably with a communication to your next of kin to let them know that you're doing so. Both my parents did, and now I have done so, and wish for direct cremation. I don't think it's legally binding, so you won't be able to stop your family having a funeral if they really want to (and after all you won't be there), but at least you can release them from feeling an obligation to have a big occasion if this would distress them further. It's not about not facing death; it's about not feeling up to dealing with pressures and intrusiveness from other people. A private family-only funeral is another possibility for people who do want a funeral, but can't cope with making it a big social occasion.

Both of my grandparents donated their bodies to the university and we didn’t have funerals. The university cremated them after they had finished using them so we do have ashes. The university do a lovely multi faith ceremony for all the people who have donated, it’s attended by all the medical students and is very nicely done. The families are invited but don’t have to attend.

I feel exactly the same. I get hideously upset at funerals whoever they are for. I wish more people would open their minds to alternative ideas about funerals. I dread them & would hate to think I had to have one..

I agree that a memorial later on is the best for some people. I myself prefer memorials to funerals, as they are more focused on honouring and remembering the person who died, and less on demonstrating sympathy for the bereaved (I know everyone is different, but when I'm already grieving, I find it very difficult to cope with what I perhaps unfairly call 'condolence rituals' from others.)

I've been to lots of different funerals, some fairly minimal at the crematorium. One of the most personal had a humanist celebrant which had meaningful non-religious readings and music.

Direct cremation has a place if there's no one to mourn for you, but every human society has held some form of death/ funeral rites for good reason. People need closure and to come together to express their grief.

Telling loved ones to save the money and have a meal isn't the same in the same way that post-wedding parties that are detached from the wedding ceremony aren't the same. It becomes abstract and detached from the event being marked.

Direct cremation came up in a conversation I had earlier and the relative felt deprived of that chance to grieve properly. She didn't feel like death had occured and that person's just disappeared from her life.

It needs serious discussion with people who will mourn for you, they will be the ones living with the consequences for a long time to come.

You can't speak for everyone.

Funerals can be an important sense of closure for many people. I've personally found a lot of comfort in family funerals. Don't be flippant and feel you can speak on this like some kind of authority.

I want a New Orleans jazz funeral. Along the main street of my tiny west country village.

They aren't. They're saying they don't want one and don't like them. Nothing flippant about it. One might as well say you don't try and speak for them.

Just because you found comfort in funerals doesn't mean they have to. I found no comfort whatever, they were all fucking dreadful.

Direct cremation is the way to go, pardon the pun. A family member on my husband’s side died a few months ago. Undertaker came, took the body, called us for payment, we gave our card number, and a few weeks later the ashes and the death certificate were delivered to us in a USPS box along with all the other mail for that day. No ceremony. No obituary. Very simple.

I've specified I don't want a funeral. Massive waste of money. I want the cheapest cardboard coffin, a direct cremation and when everyone feels up to it plant a little tree somewhere nice. I hate funerals and absolutely do not want one in my name.

Frankly I don't give a toss how people feel about it. People can have some sort of ceremony without my dead self lying in a coffin in front of them. They can even wait until my ashes are back if they want evidence I've left.

One of the most cynical (but maybe truthful in some cases) reasons I have heard for not having a funeral was that they are for the people who felt guilty about not seeing the individual when they were alive, but quite happy to turn up at the funeral now they were dead for a free feed & piss up.

Direct cremation & the buggers can feed themselves was the considered verdict.

Appreciate this is not the case for most people.

Of course you can not have a funeral. You just make your wishes clear to the person who will. R responsible for making the decisions.

My mother doesn’t want a funeral. I can’t imagine being so selfish and entitled as to imagine my right to stand at a funeral eclipses her right to choose what happens after her death because ‘funerals are for the living’. Nonsense.

I would be happy with a direct funeral, but it's not really about me. Funerals are for the living and if my loved ones felt they wanted or needed a funeral then that's what I want them to do. I'm happy to have those discussions while I'm living though.

We've had 2 funerals this year and my dad is very ill now. One funeral was for my mum and obviously had to do some organising. It was stressful on occasions, but we were very happy that it went as well as it did. I think we needed that event to process it properly.

Funerals are more for the people left behind than the dying in my view - to say goodbye, to have something tangile to relate to, to mourn. My mum requested not to have a funeral, but there were loads of people who wanted to say goodbye to her and I felt it was mean to deny them (and us) of that chance. I don't regret it (and I actually suspect she asked not to have one becuase she was scared noone would be intersted in going).

Couple of relatives have gone the direct cremation route. My sister is donating her body to medical science.

I don't particularly want a fuss, just a brief burial, but I would love it if people would have a massive party to celebrate my life.

I've known people who have done this but I don't really think that it should be the potential deceased person's choice. Mourning and celebrating a loved one's life is for the living. It would be fine to say that you wouldn't be hurt by no funeral taking place so that your descendants and friends and colleagues don't feel guilty if they choose not to have a funeral but beyond that I don't think that your opinion should be paramount. I understand that you are saving the family from the possible stress and cost of a funeral but you can't protect them from the sadness of loss and a funeral, even if very small is a focal point for that and often a place for expressing feelings and marking a life.

Has your sister contacted the relevant people to donate her body? I am interested to know how this happens in practice.

I want the full works. Gun carriage, the lot.

No direct cremation for me, no ashes, no funeral, no palaver. The hospital can just bung me in with the rest of the clinical waste. Sorted!

She had some forms to sign and have witnessed, although this was prior to the pandemic. I don't think she's actioned them since 🙄