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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to want an "opt out" for funerals?

205 replies

HangingOver · 19/09/2022 11:12

Possible TW death and loss...

I've been thinking about this ever since the queen died....

If it were possible to tick a box saying "I do not want a funeral" I would probably do it...

Reason being I think funerals could be an example of something that society just carries on doing "because we've always done it" without questioning whether it's a good idea or not.

Every funeral I've been to I've found traumatic, no matter the age of the person. I barely know anyone religious (included the deceaseds) so the hymns and prayers bit seemed sort of odd. Suddenly being so close to a dead body in a box is at best strange and at worst panic inducing. Then everyone stands around afterwards saying how lovely the dead person was (when they really should have just told them when they were still alive).

I appreciate not everyone may feel this way, but is there a way of "opting out" and having the choice of having ones remains quietly disposed of by the hospital and everyone just have a nice dinner instead if they want to mark your passing?

OP posts:
Lincslady53 · 19/09/2022 12:04

The funeral is not really for the dead person. It is for those left behind to get closure. Most I have been to of people who have lived a full life, have been upsetting at first, but when the family get together, some of whom may have not met for years, the atmosphere changes to remembering the good times. The most traumatic have been those who have died young, but then they usually have many more mourners and the support those mourners give the family is welcome. I would be interested to know how the families of those who 'opt out' of a funeral feel, and if in future years feel they would have liked a formal sending off.

surreygirl1987 · 19/09/2022 12:06

Well yes, you don't have to have a funeral. I know someone who said he didn't want one before he died. I don't want one either.

Zippedydoo123 · 19/09/2022 12:06

I am going to arrange a direct cremation plan. Just haven't got round to it that is all

catfunk · 19/09/2022 12:08

You can do this

iklboo · 19/09/2022 12:10

Agree direct cremation is best. I did it with both my parents then had wakes for them where we shared memories, stories and laughter about the good times & things they did.

IncompleteSenten · 19/09/2022 12:11

You can.

My dad died a few years ago and there was no service at all. He was cremated and some time later mum got his ashes.

He had always been clear that he didn't want any sort of service so he didn't have one.

You could tell some people were shocked though because you're right, it is expected.

I think that is changing more now though.

twoshedsjackson · 19/09/2022 12:11

As PPs have said, it is perfectly possible to "opt out" but you have to be organised, as otherwise a traditional ceremony becomes the "default setting".
A previous headteacher of mine, a man I like and admired, was a staunch atheist who wanted nothing to do with traditional ceremonies; he arranged for his body to be donated to science, and funds were set up in his will for a grand meal to be enjoyed by friends and former colleagues to celebrate his memory. We had a great evening remembering him.

Sickoffamilydrama · 19/09/2022 12:15

I'm an ex-funeral director and still work within the funeral industry (my family has for 3 generarions) so for me death has always been part of my life.

I Agree with others funerals are very much for the living, I find the ceremony around death and funerals comforting.

Human beings have always marked their loved ones death in some way from burial mounds, to placing items with their dead or placing their body in a certain way.

I would find direct cremation very traumatic as a bereaved person I need and want the ceremony (& I know the owners of one of the big direct cremation companies so know they are very nice and respectful) I would never dream of telling my family what to do for my funeral it is very much what they need not what I need I'm dead I don't care.

VinoDino · 19/09/2022 12:16

Is a direct cremation instruction 'official'? I'd like one of these. I have a tiny family who I haven't really got on with over the years and since Covid my friendship pool took a nose dive when my so called closest friends showed themselves to be not very nice people indeed. They would be the ones who would get dolled up in the blackest finest and play the mourning friends and I would be looking down (or up?!) with rage that they had the gall to come.

Thing is my mum is religious and should I go before her I don't trust her to stick to my wishes.

Twilightimmortal · 19/09/2022 12:16

I dont go to funerals.

HillsBesideTheSea · 19/09/2022 12:17

Thing is the funeral is not for the dead, it is for the living. To be frank you are dead, you don't give a shit. But it is those that are left behind who have to find a way to process, accept and move on. And a funeral is one of the one recognised ways of mourning. The British culturally has very little in mourning process and many struggle with the grief of the loss in a way that those with a culture with a mourning process have a path to guide them through.

topcat2014 · 19/09/2022 12:17

A friend did this for his father. Somehow I ended up agreeing to be master of ceremony for a gathering though.

Rainbowshit · 19/09/2022 12:19

My parents have paid for a direct cremation. They say they don't care whether we want to have a ceremony or not.

LarchDragon · 19/09/2022 12:19

I think family members who have a funeral when the deceased person didn't want one are quite selfish, it's "for them". The better thing to do is to respect the wishes of the dead, even if it's not what you want

VioletInsolence · 19/09/2022 12:20

Gosh I thought it was only me who thought this. They’re awful things and I think it’s patronising to say that people need a funeral so that they can process their grief. I hate the way people think that the more people at the funeral, the more valued that person was.

Maireas · 19/09/2022 12:21

I want candles, incense, black lace veils, the Cardinal and oh, a Piper's Lament.

HappyPeach · 19/09/2022 12:21

You can do what you want. My gran opted not to have a funeral. Straight from the undertakers into the ground. No hymns, no prayers, no wake afterwards no nothing. Just as she wanted. I shall probably do the same.

Mydietstartstomorrow · 19/09/2022 12:27

My dad died during first lockdown and on his deathbed he said no funeral, just direct cremation under the circumstances at the time. I’ve never had a sense of closure or felt I said goodbye to him properly which I still struggle with. I know it’s your final wishes but please take into account those closest to you how they feel

Sickoffamilydrama · 19/09/2022 12:29

LarchDragon · 19/09/2022 12:19

I think family members who have a funeral when the deceased person didn't want one are quite selfish, it's "for them". The better thing to do is to respect the wishes of the dead, even if it's not what you want

I see it the opposite way my children will no longer have me and will make decisions based on what they feel is right that is what should be respected I wouldn't dream of telling them how they should morn me.

It is absolutely fine for others to feel differently to me it looks like in the posts there's a mix of feelings.

Pengwinn · 19/09/2022 12:34

Of course you can, although I don't know legally if relatives want to override your wishes. The popularity of direct cremation accelerated during covid.

HuzzahIndeed · 19/09/2022 12:34

I don't want a funeral either.

  • I hate being centre of attention so it wouldn't be fitting to have a ceremony all about me.
  • I don't think many people would go so that would be awkward/embarrassing for those who do.
  • I don't want people to feel awkward and formal.

I want to be turned into a firework which takes about 2 tsp of ashes apparently. A few people can go for a nice meal and let off some fireworks (I LOVE fireworks). No fuss or ceremony but hopefully enough to give people closure and much more me.

I don't really know what to do with the rest of me though. 🤣

iloveeverykindofcat · 19/09/2022 12:35

You don't have to have a funeral. You just have to have an official, recorded burial place or another method for disposal of your body so you might want to make arrangements for that if it matters to you.

BellePeppa · 19/09/2022 12:36

I won’t be having a funeral as such. I’ll be doing that thing David Bowie had, which was as minimalist as it gets. It’s probably the direct cremation people on here have already mentioned. I don’t believe in god so it seems a bit pointless and a waste of money.

Warmhandscoldheart · 19/09/2022 12:39

I've donated my body to medical science, forms signed and copies given to my adult DS
If I'm not wanted, our local crematorium does a no mourners funeral.

iklboo · 19/09/2022 12:41

@VinoDino - yes direct cremation instructions are official. You can even pre-pay for one if you want. The company I used was brilliant. Very sympathetic and respectful, I got comms updates from them very regularly and they arranged a time & date for them to come & deliver the ashes in a beautiful wooden urn I'd chosen. Also far less expensive than a funeral.