to want an "opt out" for funerals?

[HangingOver]

Possible TW death and loss...

I've been thinking about this ever since the queen died....

If it were possible to tick a box saying "I do not want a funeral" I would probably do it...

Reason being I think funerals could be an example of something that society just carries on doing "because we've always done it" without questioning whether it's a good idea or not.

Every funeral I've been to I've found traumatic, no matter the age of the person. I barely know anyone religious (included the deceaseds) so the hymns and prayers bit seemed sort of odd. Suddenly being so close to a dead body in a box is at best strange and at worst panic inducing. Then everyone stands around afterwards saying how lovely the dead person was (when they really should have just told them when they were still alive).

I appreciate not everyone may feel this way, but is there a way of "opting out" and having the choice of having ones remains quietly disposed of by the hospital and everyone just have a nice dinner instead if they want to mark your passing?

I agree with this.

The only funerals I've been to that have been 'traumatic' have been funerals for young people who died in tragic circumstances. Funerals for older people are about saying goodbye, celebrating their life and acknowledging their death, so I don't understand where the trauma is coming from.

Our society has got less good at dealing with death, and I don't think that's a good thing. It's a natural and inevitable part of life.

We’ll be having direct cremations, look into them.
or donate your body for research.

Scuttlingherbert · Yesterday 11:21
This is crazy. Funerals are for the living, to say goodbye.
Every funeral I've been to (including my partner) has been hugely helpful and cathartic, allowing family and friends to get together and grieve“

only attended two, each were bloody awful. Won’t be going to any more.

each to their own. Glad they helped you.

I've told my siblings that DH and I both want direct cremation, and where I would like my ashes scattered.

I'd like them to have a get together for the scattering then a kind of wake afterwards or meal out, whatever suits them.

The thing is a funeral isn't for the dead person is it. Do you think the Queen cared one jot what happened to her once she was dead? A funeral is for the living to mourn/remember/celebrate the life of the dead person. So rather than state what you want, maybe ask your family what they would want?

It’s very odd to read here variations on ‘my funeral is not about me, it’s about the people left’ etc. bloody hell, if my own funeral isn’t about me then wtf is it about? It’s a literal service FOR the dead person, ABOUT the dead person, being PAID FOR by the dead person. If that isn’t the case, I’ve been doing funerals wrong for many years.

anyone who knows me knows I don’t want a funeral. I don’t want to go to anyone else funerals either and I regret every penny of the tens of thousands I’ve spent so far on funerals for other people. In life I don’t want a christening, a birthday party, baby shower, engagement, wedding, pre funeral or any other look at me celebration of any kind. I have refused to be married for this reason and did not attend my own graduation, christen my kids or have a naming party or send out birth announcements or anything along these lines.

no funeral should not be a surprise and yes, it’s 100% about my wishes. I do not consent to be “viewed” after my death by anyone. I do not consent to being paraded around in a coffin. I do not consent to a room full of people who know me in different ways suddenly knowing intimate details of my life history if I haven’t shared that in life.

Id be happiest with being taken away and cremated and no ashes ever gathered up, ashes aren’t me and I don’t need scattering or ceremony around them either.

“If you find death and funerals traumatic and uncomfortable that’s totally understandable, but it’s possible there’s some buried emotional trauma and low self-esteem underlying this that it would be worth exploring and processing”

really? Just find them bloody miserable, nothing more complicated than that, so have decided I won’t be going to any more. No trauma or self esteem issues 😁

I have a friend who wants a direct cremation. I have known her 50 years. Hopefully not any time soon, but if I survive her I feel sad about not being able to come together with mutual friends and family to remember and celebrate her life.

I can’t make much sense of your post. You will be dead for your funeral, so a tick box to opt out isn’t going to save you from any trauma. You would need everybody you know to tick that box rather than you do it, if you don’t want to go to the funeral. But if that is the way you feel, then just don’t go to any.

The queen planned her funeral didn't she?

She did some of it had been planned for 50 years, granted we won't all have gun carriages and lying in state, but I think we are entitled to plan and talk about our funerals.

You don't have to have one, we didn't for my dad, it was his wish and ours. Exactly right for us.

I wouldn't mind my coffin being carried by six hunky blokes in red uniforms.

That'll do.

You can still do that though. There doesn't need to be funeral. People can meet up for memorial in some nice place have drinks etc and remember the person.
You are just not going to be doing that with sad music and coffin there. That's what lots of us want. Much better to have informal sit fown in local pub and have a nice time remembering. Totally different atmosphere.

We stopped having family funerals after the death of MIL a few years ago. It was a horrible day and FIL said he didn't want that for himself. When he died we had a direct cremation for him and scattered the ashes with MIL's ashes. Had a nice family meal and toasted him (peak covid times). My mum liked the idea of direct cremation so we organised the same for her. Once you've stopped the obligation of funerals it's a big relief. At least for our family.

Most medical schools hold an annual service for the relatives of donors, which is attended by students and staff. Many family members find these services moving and helpful.

If you paid for a direct cremation in advance, like a pre-paid funeral, I should think the family would have to follow your wishes, wouldn't they?

I imagine that students no longer get to take body parts home? (Lived with dental and medical students at uni in early 80s)

No they don’t. That would be an extremely serious disciplinary matter which could result in them being thrown off the course. There is a very detailed code of conduct which is strictly enforced.

Students must treat the body with the greatest respect - in most universities the students work with the same donor all year and they are known by their (first) name.

Students are told that the donor is their silent teacher who has given them a wonderful gift of learning that sets the foundation for their whole career.

cambridge-uni.medium.com/body-of-work-the-silent-teacher-helping-students-learn-anatomy-2985c0cb84ab

www.researchgate.net/publication/51820269_The_human_cadaver_the_silent_teacher_of_human_anatomy

www.amazon.co.uk/Silent-Teacher-Gift-Body-Donation-ebook/dp/B07DT7PNHL

universitytimes.ie/2017/12/the-silent-teachers-on-trinitys-anatomy-department/

Why? I think funerals are for those that are left and it should be up to them what happens. If you're dead you won't know anyway.

I definitely don't want a funeral but don't want cremating either.

I am totally NC with relatives on my side - have been for 30 years and those I knew are mostly dead now - and DH only has 2 siblings who we get on fine with but they live hundreds of miles from us. Our adult DD has severe learning difficulties.

I have left strict instructions that should I die first I want to be buried in a plot area for the 3 of us and I want a good quality coffin but no funeral. I just want to be taken from the funeral directors to be planted alone. DH can say his goodbyes in the chapel of rest. I would have a funeral for him and/or DD though.

Should DH die first I will arrange everything with the funeral director in advance and our solicitor will be overseeing everything.

My mum had a direct cremation in jan 2020. She arranged it and told us all about it. Her reasoning was that most of her peer group was dead, frail, or over 80. Her family was spread around the world and she wanted no-one to feel obligation to attend. We did as she wanted, donated to her favourite charity and now remember her at all the family celebrations.

She thought of us all even in death. We have all arranged direct cremation as a result of the lovely feeling.

Funerals are for those left behind. Obviously depends on budget but can't the choice be with your loved ones? My mum said she wants a direct cremation but she's a joyless morbid person in general.

This is exactly how I feel and we shouldn’t lose autonomy in death, anyone who cares for you should not want to override your wishes.

I mean we can opt out of organ donation because our bodies alive or dead are very much our choice. It’s disgusting to override someone’s wishes in death and use their body as a prop in the ceremonious shite that they do not want to be a part of.
i too never engaged married or christened my child, I’ve never had a birthday party and I don’t want to be the centre of anything.
I go to my friends celebrations and I enjoy them because they do and I love my friends but that’s not for me.

I think it's fine to opt out, if that's what you want, and there are plenty of good examples on the thread where that works well (very old, few friends/peers, scattered family too busy to attend), and the whole rigmarole is avoided. I've been to some sparsely attended funerals, and I always feel very sorry for the family as sitting in a big venue and having to jump through all the hoops seems cruel, almost rubbing in that so few people outside the family care.

I do also think the family should feel free to override these wishes where the circumstances of death are different (young, very sudden/unexpected, lots of friends, acquaintances, colleagues etc) and where they might want to get things over with on one big day, rather than deal with lots of enquiries about when a funeral might be.