to want an "opt out" for funerals?

[HangingOver]

Possible TW death and loss...

I've been thinking about this ever since the queen died....

If it were possible to tick a box saying "I do not want a funeral" I would probably do it...

Reason being I think funerals could be an example of something that society just carries on doing "because we've always done it" without questioning whether it's a good idea or not.

Every funeral I've been to I've found traumatic, no matter the age of the person. I barely know anyone religious (included the deceaseds) so the hymns and prayers bit seemed sort of odd. Suddenly being so close to a dead body in a box is at best strange and at worst panic inducing. Then everyone stands around afterwards saying how lovely the dead person was (when they really should have just told them when they were still alive).

I appreciate not everyone may feel this way, but is there a way of "opting out" and having the choice of having ones remains quietly disposed of by the hospital and everyone just have a nice dinner instead if they want to mark your passing?

I’m glad my FiL’s funeral was during covid, we had a dozen people at the crem then our immediate family went for a lovely meal ( although I fell over and smacked my face in the restaurant garden 🙄).
DH’s Auntie (on his Mum’s side) has never forgiven for not being invited to the crem though, we are neighbours and she still brings it up 2 years later.

I don’t want a funeral, direct cremation is fine by me, or the water cremation thing. DH wants to be buried but I don’t think I could do it.

I’ve instructed my family that I don’t want a funeral, just a direct cremation.

Did your mum and dad not talk about what they wanted at their funeral either with you or with each other? That would have saved a lot of further grief at an already horrendous time

My mum has already told my sister and I what she wants at her funeral and what she wants to happen with her body. I think these conversations are healthy to have while you can to save upset later on

😂😂

Going against the grain here i fuckin love a good funeral as do all my irish family. I want the full shebang when i go and my dm and siblings are getting the same unless they directly ask for a direct cremation.

Yabu because you can already choose not to have a funeral and have a direct cremation or burial and can even be planted in trees or buried on private land. No one can force you to attend them.

My father in law was adamant that he didn't want a funeral service. As per his wishes we opted for a direct cremation. We then scattered his ashes with closest friends and family in a place that he loved and went for afternoon tea. In some ways it was more intimate and special than an official funeral would have been.

I've said that I don't want one and hope its the case that I don't have one.

If I do, I'm coming back and haunting the buggers relentlessly!! 👻

I have already written in my will and my DS knows I don't want a funeral. I loathe funerals. I have only ever been to one that was in any way meaningful where it was for a friend with no relatives.
All of us - his friends - he died young, cared for the body, dressed him and carried his coffin, did our own service and kissed him goodbye in his coffin and then scattered his ashes in his favourite place. It was a wonderful day.
All other funerals I have attended have been awful.
I have paid for my own pure cremation and I want to be scattered on Glastonbury Tor where I live by my DS. No service, no words.

Water cremation?

My mum is now 85. She has outlived all her friends, sisters and other contemporaries. When she goes there is only 5 direct descendants plus 3 possible in-laws to attend a funeral so when the time comes any funeral will be a quite trip to the cremation with just the basics.

I completely get what you mean, I find them traumatic too. But really they’re for other people. My best friend died. She didn’t want a service, just to be cremated and then to have a party when her ashes were back, with her there. TBH I found it much more upsetting. There were five of us at her funeral, no eulogy, one song played, done. Then at her party everyone was sad, wanting to grieve, it felt wrong. We really tried, put her fave tracks on a CD etc, but it didn’t work. I honestly think if people had gone to a short crem funeral first, to cry and let the sadness out, so to speak, the wake would’ve been better.

I thought this, genuinely. My db died recently. There was no funeral as apparently he wanted direct cremation. I have struggled with it hugely.
No coming together of his numerous friends. No exchange of stories, no out pouring of love, no special songs sung or shared.
It was his choice.

YABU. Funerals aren’t for the dead, they’re for the living.
I will be advising my loved ones to do what they hell they’d like. I won’t know about it so won’t care.

My uncle died recently and was insistent beforehand that he would not have a funeral. Not even his own children. He was cremated.

He hated funerals. He said he had seen enough in the war.

I have a family member who opted for direct cremation.

I respect that choice, but for me, a funeral is such an important part of death. Humans have had rituals to mark death forever. They are incredibly important for themselves left behind.

I do think the wait between death and the funeral in the UK now is too long. There is a much quicker turnaround in Ireland, where my family are from, and it all feels more of a natural progression rather than a traumatic limbo.

Themselves = those

I just said this to my niece.

Don't waste money on me. I'll be gone. I won't know. Get rid and use the money to get drunk.

That's partly what a will is for. You can request everything or nothing!

The funereal isn't about or for you. I want my relatives who are still around to decide what they want. It's for them and their grieving not me. I'm dead.

Am not having a funeral and definitely not spending crazy money. I want put in the cheapest no frills box and buried only no service. with only dh and kids, grandchildren there. Then they can have a cup of tea at my house after.

Cheap and fuss free.

Water cremation is where a body is basically boiled in an alkali solution until all that is left are bones that are then crushed to ash. Apparently 90% more enviromentally friendly than normal furnace cremation and family can have any jewellery back as it’s unaffected.

This thing it’s for everyone else, doesn’t make a difference to you is a bit horrible I think. There’s something really undignified and ghoulish to me about being carried around in a box. I don’t consent.
i want a direct cremation not an awkward social affair where people who don’t really know each other but only know me dispose of me and talk about me.
id like my son to go somewhere that he has a nice memory of me to remember me.

So interesting you raise this. My grandmother recently died and both her and my mum decided they didn't want a funeral. They simply collected her ashes from the crematorium and scattered them afterwards.

We are a small family and it suited us all perfectly.

I also think it's selfish to write it in a will and deprive your grieving loved ones of saying goodbye in the way they want. Be that funeral or not. I'd be devastated if a family member did that.

The other thing I think about this, is I’ve been to quite a few funerals where I’ve learned something about the person, some amazing thing that they did before I knew them. My dad’s dying now so I’m thinking about his funeral. He doesn’t want it to be religious, which I’m totally ok with, but I want it to celebrate him. Show off what an amazing person he is, the incredible things he’s done. Lots of photos etc to make people talk/smile.