to want an "opt out" for funerals?

[HangingOver]

Possible TW death and loss...

I've been thinking about this ever since the queen died....

If it were possible to tick a box saying "I do not want a funeral" I would probably do it...

Reason being I think funerals could be an example of something that society just carries on doing "because we've always done it" without questioning whether it's a good idea or not.

Every funeral I've been to I've found traumatic, no matter the age of the person. I barely know anyone religious (included the deceaseds) so the hymns and prayers bit seemed sort of odd. Suddenly being so close to a dead body in a box is at best strange and at worst panic inducing. Then everyone stands around afterwards saying how lovely the dead person was (when they really should have just told them when they were still alive).

I appreciate not everyone may feel this way, but is there a way of "opting out" and having the choice of having ones remains quietly disposed of by the hospital and everyone just have a nice dinner instead if they want to mark your passing?

Funerals are for the living not the dead. Nor is there any need for a funeral or memorial service to be religious. As far as I'm concerned my family get to decide for me - it won't be my problem to worry about.

Its not an accident that all of life's major events have rituals around them in every faith and culture - people find them useful and the coming together can be a support.

Its not necessary for every life event to be a disneyfied instagram happy clappy moment - being together and time of sadness can be just as important a memory and part of grieving.

You can also have non-religious funerals. My dad's was conducted by a humanist celebrant. You don't even need a celebrant at all. I just did it myself for both my parents.

The thing is, OP...just like a wedding...you don't have to attend any funeral if you don't want to 🤷‍♀️ So if they upset you, don't go.

However, with regards to your own, please think carefully before denying your loved ones the opportunity to arrange one on your behalf. As a PP has already said, they are for the living, not the dead. A means of grieving, saying goodbye, letting go of grievances if you had any, getting together with family and friends, reminiscing...it's cathartic for most people, painful for some. But most people would agree that a funeral is something that is not 'for' the person who has died...it is 'about' them. It's about getting the grief moving so that it doesn't get stuck inside. If you deny people this opportunity (by saying that you don't want one) then the people you love and leave behind, will have nowhere to let their grief out ritualistically...which is, really, what a funeral is all about (in its simplest form).

Funerals matter, OP, so that your loved ones can talk about you, together, share stories about you, together, and begin the process of healing and getting over losing you...together 💗

That's what I'm going for.

If you don't want a funeral, but are worried your family will override your wishes, there absolutely is something you can do about this...

Just send an envelope to all the people you think would turn up, telling them to open on the event if your death.

Said envelope contains a letter saying "Now I'm dead, I can tell you, I always thought you were a twat."

Problem solved with people turning up.

I had an unattended cremation for my husband, followed by scattering his ashes at a natual burial ground. He was a professional gardener for many years, so we thought he'd like the going back to nature bit.

I needed a funeral to accept my darling Dad had really gone. If I hadn't seen the coffin I don't think I ever would have really believed it. Wasn't a religious one at all - but sometimes they do serve a purpose.

I don't think you're unreasonable, but there are different kinds of funeral.
For my grandad, my grandma just wanted their children, children in law, and grandchildren. No other speakers, no one leading any kind of service, just close family telling a favourite story and then back to her house for dinner and drinks. She asked the crematorium to arrange the chairs in a circle, and it was informal and lovely and I learnt a lot about my grandad I didn't know, like how they met, things about his childhood that my grandma knew etc.
I should add that when he died, my grandad didn't have any other family other than a brother who was too ill to travel, so my grandma wasn't excluding any close family.

The thing is, OP...just like a wedding...you don't have to attend any funeral if you don't want to

Well...not really. If I hadn't attended DMs funeral my family would never have spoken to me again but I hated every minute of it. Especially when they put the bloody box in the ground I had this huge surge of childish terror about her being alone and cold down there without her special blanket. Still bring tears to my eyes. I e

*Just send an envelope to all the people you think would turn up, telling them to open on the event if your death.

Said envelope contains a letter saying "Now I'm dead, I can tell you, I always thought you were a twat."

Problem solved with people turning up*

Lol that or "if you dare serve any non-vegan food or drinks at the wake I'll haunt you". Should put at least 50% off.

I am terminally ill and I have written in a will I want a direct cremation. We did it for my dad during covid and then scattered his ashes afterwards.

It was exactly what he wanted and I am keen to avoid my family having to make all the funeral arrangements/decisions and then have to sit through the bloody thing!

PP mentioned a living funeral and as someone who hates being the centre of attention I can’t think of anything worse. Lots of people with head tilts saying nice things in an artificial way - sounds hideous!!

I’m so torn on this. I remember being so bitter at my dads funeral because so many people were laughing and chatting afterwards and my mum cornered me and said she hated the funeral thing and she was bitter because people who hadn’t been in touch for years were there. We hosted the wake for dh’s dad and everyone got shit faced and dh regularly said he wished they’d go and leave us alone and how he hated Ireland and it’s stupid traditions but over Covid I couldn’t go to one of my best friend’s mum’s funeral and she said her and her dad felt the absences ten fold so I don’t know that there’s an easy answer

I would not want a religious ceremony. My mother, a devout Catholic, and my father in law died within two weeks of each other. Her funeral was fairly impersonal, though we insisted a cousin read a prayer and her oldest friend said a few worlds too, but the priest said it was 'irregular'. Otherwise there would have been hardly a word said about my mother.
At my FIL funeral, there was no religious component so anything goes, and it was all about him. Both were cremated afterwards (my mother at later and my fil at the end of the ceremony).
I would definitely have a funeral though. Having lost both parents and my husband it is extremely important to honour and remember the dead collectively.

You don't have to have a 'funeral' in the traditional sense but I suspect it's good for those you leave behind to have some kind of 'ceremony'.

I'm a Christian and in the tradition I come from, we have two separate events. There's the cremation/burial (for close friends/family only) followed by a Celebration of Life service. This means that at the service, there's no coffin to look at, people aren't compelled to wear black and it becomes a really lovely thanksgiving for the person's life. We did this for my mum (as per her wishes).

The hardest part was the service at the crem, though of course if you wanted to, that part could be avoided by having a direct cremation. We followed that up with a lovely (bittersweet) celebration (of sorts) in another venue where we had food, an open mic to share stories, live music (with her favourite songs) and a lovely tribute from our minister. There were tears but also lots of smiles, hugs and community.

For us, we needed something like an event to mark that mum was gone and to honour her life. Obviously everyone is different but you can choose what you like. For me, I have stipulated in my Will that this is what I want.

The thing is, funerals are for the mourners, not the person who has died. So I think it’s better to say that they can choose, but if they prefer not to have a funeral you would be happy with that. Personally, I find funerals an incredibly helpful and important part of grieving, and when I haven’t been able to attend funerals it’s been a lot harder.

My mother in law, has just had a direct cremation.
Her death was a shock, as she was not unwell, started to feel I'll, and dead in 2 hours (a great way to go). We were away, and could not get back in time, my FIL and SIL saw her at the hospital, as they called an ambulance. The nothing, my partner did not get to say goodbye, see her. It's been absolutely brutal for him, there in a sense has been no closure.
We have had no meal, as that is not what my MIL wanted which I think is a shame.
Having been through it, I would say there has to be something to remember someone by, some closure be it a meal or party whatever you want but not what we have just been through.

I've just reiterated to my husband what I would like to happen and that I was serious about a firework. He laughed and said it wasn't very environmentally friendly and can he bury me in a mushroom suit and go to a bonfire night display instead. 🤣

Leave yourself to medical science.

I’m donating my body, if it’s wanted then they cremate remains, I think, so no funeral. My DH wants a direct to crem funeral. I don’t want people travelling hours to mourn somebody who’s died. My dad’s funeral was the most traumatic thing I’ve ever attended. The church was packed and I found it incredibly difficult to cope with the ‘sympathy’ from people who’d not seen him in years. I’ll have to do the same for mother, but won’t be so bothered, we’re fairly low contact. I’ll just have to deal with the house, which is absolutely full of stuff.

I've left mine specifically to my consultant for research into a disorder I have, and if he goes first it goes to medical science. If there's anything left after they've finished with it, they'll just cremate and dispose of it.
I've asked my family to plant an oak tree in a woodland instead of a funeral.

We had direct cremation for my MIL and I will be having the same.

You can opt out. A relation of DH didn't want a funeral.

His family weren't happy about it. They didn't know until after he died.

I suppose it's true that the funeral is for the living not the dead. It's how we say goodbye.

You just need to let your family know your wishes. We have had members pass who wanted absolutely no funeral of any kind, members who had non-traditional memorials, and a few that had services that were so formal some of the women had veils on their hats.

I personally have found the non-traditional memorials the most meaningful for processing my grief. The religious trappings do nothing for me. The lack of any kind of gathering means there is no day to focus your grieving and let it go. A memorial tailored to the personality of the deceased is ideal because it reflects the way that person lived. It doesn’t have to be a bunch of people sitting in rows listening to speeches. For the right person, something crazy like a paintball battle that included a bit of time to reflect on the purpose of the gathering could even be the right thing.

You can have a direct funeral but be aware that funerals are for the living. Occupational hazard, I'm involved in a lot death and there's been so much upset when direct funerals are opted for. Though a direct funeral then a memorial service later is a good option for many families dealing with a family and friends spread out geographically as that can be done much later

My mum has left her body to medical science. It doesn’t mean that we won’t have a memorial or something when she dies. Then perhaps a tiny cremation when they’re done with her.