AIBU friend comparing us all the time

[FriendWoes]

I'm not sure if I'm just being a hormonal grump or whether my friend is being unreasonable at this point

NC due to my old account being quite outing

Background -

My best friend of 15 years had her first baby 5 months ago, I had my first baby 4 weeks ago

Since being pregnant she has been low key comparing us and at the time it was awkward but not annoying, it's now getting to me

Examples -

She was very sick in her first trimester, I didn't have any sickness at all - constant comments about it, 'oh you're so lucky, I couldn't even go out in my first trimester' 'I wonder if you'll feel as great in your second trimester since you didn't have a tough first trimester like I did'

Her DH is a bit of a prick (whole other story) and refused to do any SPL, my DH couldn't wait to share the leave and we are doing 50:50 (6months each), after we spoke about that I had weeks of 'oh you're so lucky your DH could take the time off work' (I did at the time think, your DH could also take the time off but refuses to as he thinks his job is more important than yours - he has said that)

She had a pretty shit birth, ok really shit. She asked for a c section and was brushed off, she didn't fight it. Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either

I had an elective (as I fought for mine) and was out of hospital in 2 days, and can BF

As you can imagine this has then led to even more comments around my 'luck'

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

I was close to telling her it's not luck just better life choices when she was yet again going on about how lucky I am that DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

AIBU to be annoyed at her constant comparing. I understand her journey to parenthood wasn't fun, but I was there mopping her toilet floor when she was sick in the day (as her DH was useless) going to scans - being as supportive as I could, I'm now just getting pissed off about this insinuation that I am lucky when in most of the situations she refers to it's not luck at all. I just did something different, by choice

Time to distance yourself this isn’t a friendship that’s benefiting either of you

I don't know OP you're post comes across as rather smug

You didn't choose not to have morning sickness - that was lucky

You are lucky your DH can take PL - even if her DH could maybe he couldn't afford it

And god your comment about how she didn't fight for a c section - I'm sorry the tone of your post is quite frankly really high handed, smug and awful - you weren't in the room with her to know how much she fought or not!

I think it's you not her tbh.

Ohh this is so annoying. I have an acquaintance like this. I'm so so so lucky apparently even though I've fought very hard for certain things. I think you just move away from her a little bit... It doesn't sound like a healthy relationship at the moment

Yeah you sound like the problem.

Good thing I made it clear the sickness was luck then isn't it.

These are just some of the examples

The list is almost endless

'You're so lucky you were able to have a babymoon'

She didn't want a babymoon, her DH even suggested it and she said no

But when I had one I was 'lucky'

'Oh you're so lucky you could exercise in your third trimester'

She was able to exercise, I was even sat with her at her 25w appt when her midwife told her she advised to keep up with one of our regular exercise classes, but the second she hit 28 weeks she pulled out as 'exercise isn't recommended in the third trimester' apparently

You sound horrible tbh, I hope you walk away from the “friendship” for her sake.

@toooldtodate

Also her DH can afford it

His workplace even has equity in leave, so pays fathers the same enhanced leave as mothers

But he is 'too important' to take it

And of course child rearing is woman's work (his words not mine)

Yeah unfortunately I have to agree with the others on this one. You sound heartless, judgmental and a bit of a twat.

You don’t sound like a supportive friend and the comment about her not being able to advocate for a C-Section is awful. Check yourself first rather than criticising her.

Time to find yourself some new mum mates otherwise this is going to continue for YEARS. Your child will be compared unfavourably to hers throughout nursery, primary, secondary and university.

Let her go.

My opinion hasn't changed

To be honest it just sounds like an ingrained part of her conversation/just a coming phrase some people get stuck on - maybe she doesn't know what else to say.
Maybe there is a bit of inbuilt jealousy there who knows. But it's you who comes off poorly

Yeah I have advised her to look into some counselling over her birth in general as she is still so angry about it, which I understand

She had a really shit experience and a lot of failures with her care.

So might step back until she has had some more sessions and is maybe out of this very, almost bitter zone.

As everything is compared and continually, at first it was just uncomfortable but it's now getting a bit pointed and it's winding me up to the point where I will most likely end up saying something I'll end up regretting down the line

She admits herself she didn't fight for it

And regrets that decision

I'm not saying anything she hasn't said herself

Completely agree with this

You sound quite snug and think you’re better than her. You don’t have to be friends.

You sound really unkind. None of her comments seem rude but your snarkiness about her not advocating for a c section enough or forcing her DH to take SPL sound judgemental and rude.

Ah yes so heartless

Only heartless friends go over every lunch break for 10 weeks to help clean their friends house because she can't get up from the toilet

Only heartless friends go with them to pretty much all their scans because their husband won't take time off work for them

Who said anything about forcing her DH to do SPL

Did you want opinions or did you just post here for the craic? Because people are telling you how it’s coming across and you’re not helping your ‘she’s the problem’ cause with your responses here.

For what it’s worth, I can see why it’s irritating - just because repetitive, negative things can be - but I agree with PPs that you’re being unfair.

Have some empathy. It sounds like she’s going through a hard time and is wishing things were easier. It’s not actually about you. Your just an obvious person to compare herself to given that you had babies at the same time.

Wouldn't surprise me!

The first few weeks of it were just a bit frustrating but I get it every time we meet up and it's been for over 7 months now. Gets really tiring after a while especially when so much isn't luck

She even said I was lucky the other day that DH and I didn't have a dog (her dog has been a nightmare since she came home with the baby)

Might get a swear jar but for the word lucky and maybe that might make the point

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

These comments make you sound like a bitch!

Saying to someone "you're lucky" is the polite and easy way way to say "you're better at navigating life than me" without having to get deep into why's and wherefores.
You should be grateful to have a nice friend.