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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU friend comparing us all the time

214 replies

FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 20:38

I'm not sure if I'm just being a hormonal grump or whether my friend is being unreasonable at this point

NC due to my old account being quite outing

Background -

My best friend of 15 years had her first baby 5 months ago, I had my first baby 4 weeks ago

Since being pregnant she has been low key comparing us and at the time it was awkward but not annoying, it's now getting to me

Examples -

She was very sick in her first trimester, I didn't have any sickness at all - constant comments about it, 'oh you're so lucky, I couldn't even go out in my first trimester' 'I wonder if you'll feel as great in your second trimester since you didn't have a tough first trimester like I did'

Her DH is a bit of a prick (whole other story) and refused to do any SPL, my DH couldn't wait to share the leave and we are doing 50:50 (6months each), after we spoke about that I had weeks of 'oh you're so lucky your DH could take the time off work' (I did at the time think, your DH could also take the time off but refuses to as he thinks his job is more important than yours - he has said that)

She had a pretty shit birth, ok really shit. She asked for a c section and was brushed off, she didn't fight it. Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either

I had an elective (as I fought for mine) and was out of hospital in 2 days, and can BF

As you can imagine this has then led to even more comments around my 'luck'

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

I was close to telling her it's not luck just better life choices when she was yet again going on about how lucky I am that DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

AIBU to be annoyed at her constant comparing. I understand her journey to parenthood wasn't fun, but I was there mopping her toilet floor when she was sick in the day (as her DH was useless) going to scans - being as supportive as I could, I'm now just getting pissed off about this insinuation that I am lucky when in most of the situations she refers to it's not luck at all. I just did something different, by choice

OP posts:
Mamai90 · 17/09/2022 22:44

You don't sound like you like her at all, so you'd be best to let her go.

I agree with pps that you sound smug and lacking in empathy. I can't imagine talking about my friend in such a way.

I very rarely post anything negative on here to the OP because I find a lot of posters just are argumentative for the sake of it but I think you need a reality check, you're not coming across well. Hopefully it's your hormones - for the sake of your friend.

Grumpusaurus · 17/09/2022 22:45

OP, I am sorry you are getting the usual bitter shitty responses here. Guess this is a cross section of the kind of sour dour types out there. You sound like a kind and supportive friend, while is coming across a bit of a professional victim. Some of the things that happened to her are very bad luck and rather unfortunate but a lot of it is down to her life choices. She needs to suck them up or do something about it. I would distance myself a bit as otherwise she is going to suck out all of the joy in your life.

A lot also comes down to attitude. Like you, I was very lucky to have a DH besotted with his DC and very hands-on right from the start. I was quite often sick during both my pregnancies but a caring partner and a lot of humour got me through it.

PortMac · 17/09/2022 22:48

I think that you sound strong and decisive and have made good choices.
Friend sounds like she's made some poor choices and has lost confidence and is envious and frustrated that you've somehow goth an "easier" ride.
The thing is life can change at any moment so I'd enjoy your life and maybe have a break from friend for a while if possible.
I have a friend like this, she's lovely but it's annoying and takes away the equality n friendships.

Mwnci123 · 17/09/2022 22:50

Grumpusaurus · 17/09/2022 22:45

OP, I am sorry you are getting the usual bitter shitty responses here. Guess this is a cross section of the kind of sour dour types out there. You sound like a kind and supportive friend, while is coming across a bit of a professional victim. Some of the things that happened to her are very bad luck and rather unfortunate but a lot of it is down to her life choices. She needs to suck them up or do something about it. I would distance myself a bit as otherwise she is going to suck out all of the joy in your life.

A lot also comes down to attitude. Like you, I was very lucky to have a DH besotted with his DC and very hands-on right from the start. I was quite often sick during both my pregnancies but a caring partner and a lot of humour got me through it.

Op has literally been saying that having a supportive dh is not "lucky". She is expressing resentment about her friend saying she is lucky.

osmanthusfragrans · 17/09/2022 22:55

Tbh, it doesn't even matter if OP has been "lucky" or not. She could be the luckiest woman on the plant, but it's still very tiring to feel that your friend is jealous and constantly commenting on your "luck". The friend should realize how she's coming across, but apparently she either can't hear herself of can't stop herself.

I'd put some distance between you for a while or change the subject every time she remarks on how "lucky" you are.

PortMac · 17/09/2022 22:57

Why is it always a race to the bottom? Not everyone s life is hard and traumatic. Why should the OP point out the shit parts of parenting just to make her friend feel better and then subsequently minimise her own happiness?

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:59

Justleaveitblankthen · 17/09/2022 22:36

Why did you fight for a C section? Sorry, genuinely curious.

Because I wanted one.

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 23:00

tonightelmowillrise · 17/09/2022 22:37

Im embarrassed for you, your lack of ability to empathise with your friend’s shit experience is something I’d expect from a self centred teen

Empathy runs low after hearing this for 7 months but thanks for your comment

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 23:01

@noomchikka

No

That's what she has said

Repeatedly

As I have repeatedly told you, I've posted her comments here. Im factually writing what's been said.

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 23:03

osmanthusfragrans · 17/09/2022 22:55

Tbh, it doesn't even matter if OP has been "lucky" or not. She could be the luckiest woman on the plant, but it's still very tiring to feel that your friend is jealous and constantly commenting on your "luck". The friend should realize how she's coming across, but apparently she either can't hear herself of can't stop herself.

I'd put some distance between you for a while or change the subject every time she remarks on how "lucky" you are.

Thank you for this

Yeah the lucky comments have also made me worry about what to tell her at times, as I'd love to stop BF but considering how much she goes on about it I'm worried she will be even more funny about me being able to and choosing not to (if that makes sense)

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 17/09/2022 23:04

As I have repeatedly told you, I've posted her comments here. Im factually writing what's been said.

I thought you changed details not to be outing? You're contradicting yourself now. This will be picked up by the media if your not careful.

Natty13 · 17/09/2022 23:07

Bloody hell these comments.

I'll be your friend OP, we can be heartless bitches together (jk thought because I don't think you are and I'm not either)

EmeraldShamrock1 · 17/09/2022 23:08

Are you sure you're not being sensitive and overreacting.

Comparisons like this can be an awkward compliment.

It sounds like she is feeling low and finding things difficult whereas things have worked out better for you, not your fault but you could offer some sympathy.

Sprat12 · 17/09/2022 23:08

TwinkleChristmas · 17/09/2022 21:09

You don’t sound like a great friend to be honest and I would actually think you have the shit end of the stick having to give up 6 months of Mat leave. I’d rather be around my baby then give it up but I suppose we aren’t all cut out for a full year with our babies.

That was incredibly uncalled for

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 23:27

Bananarama21 · 17/09/2022 23:04

As I have repeatedly told you, I've posted her comments here. Im factually writing what's been said.

I thought you changed details not to be outing? You're contradicting yourself now. This will be picked up by the media if your not careful.

Yep I've changed details

Do you understand that details of the situation are different to comments/quotes

At this point you're only adding more and more irrelevant crap so I won't be reply to you going forwards - a total waste of my time

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 23:28

Natty13 · 17/09/2022 23:07

Bloody hell these comments.

I'll be your friend OP, we can be heartless bitches together (jk thought because I don't think you are and I'm not either)

My friends wanted ad has worked already! Brew
Welcome to heartless circle!

OP posts:
santorinii · 17/09/2022 23:32

You don’t come across well op. Saying someone is lucky isn’t a bitchy thing, don’t take it badly. She’s clearly had a very shit time. Just try to not get offended cause she’s clearly hurting.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 23:34

EmeraldShamrock1 · 17/09/2022 23:08

Are you sure you're not being sensitive and overreacting.

Comparisons like this can be an awkward compliment.

It sounds like she is feeling low and finding things difficult whereas things have worked out better for you, not your fault but you could offer some sympathy.

Well that was what I was asking

I'm 4 weeks post having a child sliced out of me so not sure if I'm over reacting or not

Others have said they'd be pissed too though so am feeling more validated, as it's been 7 months of it and it's really draining at this point

OP posts:
Sarahcoggles · 17/09/2022 23:40

Why did you have an elective section OP?
Is this a thing now - people requesting sections just because they want them? With all the attendant risks?

YellowTreeHouse · 17/09/2022 23:41

FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:31

I don't think I'm lucky at all

50:50 is what most should expect from their partners imo

My friend considers me lucky as she wanted 50:50 spl as she wanted to get back to work but not put her DD in childcare that early

But can't do that since her DH won't do the 50%

I feel sorry for you that you can't understand not everyone needs to dominate the first year after their babies birth

Show quote history

I agree, 50/50 is the minimum anyone should expect from their parenting partner.

However, that’s not related to SPL. It’s nothing to do with “dominating the first year”.

Baby doesn’t even realise they’re a separate person to mum at 6 months old, yet you’re happy to jeopardise your attachment and shirk mothering. Well you do you 🤷‍♀️ But secure attachments are not made from mum disappearing when baby still thinks they’re the same person.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 23:47

@YellowTreeHouse

Oh now you're spouting inaccurate BS about attachment now

This should be fun

Specific attachment is well established in babies by 6 months, which is when their non specific attachments begin to develop - just in time for dad to take over for us.

A full attachment is rarely developed until 2 years old

So unless you sit there and judge everyone who goes back to work before their baby is 2 you can kindly bugger off

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 17/09/2022 23:48

Justify it however you want.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 23:48

Sarahcoggles · 17/09/2022 23:40

Why did you have an elective section OP?
Is this a thing now - people requesting sections just because they want them? With all the attendant risks?

Because I wanted one

And what do you mean 'is this a thing now'

It's been a 'thing' for years

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 23:48

YellowTreeHouse · 17/09/2022 23:48

Justify it however you want.

Justify what?

Answer the question - do you judge everyone who goes back to work before their child is 2?

OP posts:
Confusion101 · 18/09/2022 00:00

You sound increasingly catty in every post. Ultimately your question is are you being unreasonable for finding your friend's comments annoying... Yes! Yes you are!!

Talk to her and tell her if you don't like what she's saying instead of coming here telling us how great you are at life with your amazing choices.

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