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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU friend comparing us all the time

214 replies

FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 20:38

I'm not sure if I'm just being a hormonal grump or whether my friend is being unreasonable at this point

NC due to my old account being quite outing

Background -

My best friend of 15 years had her first baby 5 months ago, I had my first baby 4 weeks ago

Since being pregnant she has been low key comparing us and at the time it was awkward but not annoying, it's now getting to me

Examples -

She was very sick in her first trimester, I didn't have any sickness at all - constant comments about it, 'oh you're so lucky, I couldn't even go out in my first trimester' 'I wonder if you'll feel as great in your second trimester since you didn't have a tough first trimester like I did'

Her DH is a bit of a prick (whole other story) and refused to do any SPL, my DH couldn't wait to share the leave and we are doing 50:50 (6months each), after we spoke about that I had weeks of 'oh you're so lucky your DH could take the time off work' (I did at the time think, your DH could also take the time off but refuses to as he thinks his job is more important than yours - he has said that)

She had a pretty shit birth, ok really shit. She asked for a c section and was brushed off, she didn't fight it. Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either

I had an elective (as I fought for mine) and was out of hospital in 2 days, and can BF

As you can imagine this has then led to even more comments around my 'luck'

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

I was close to telling her it's not luck just better life choices when she was yet again going on about how lucky I am that DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

AIBU to be annoyed at her constant comparing. I understand her journey to parenthood wasn't fun, but I was there mopping her toilet floor when she was sick in the day (as her DH was useless) going to scans - being as supportive as I could, I'm now just getting pissed off about this insinuation that I am lucky when in most of the situations she refers to it's not luck at all. I just did something different, by choice

OP posts:
Speakingofdinosaurs · 17/09/2022 21:00

Hi OP - I’m not really sure why you’re seeing her comments as annoying, rather than deserving of your sympathy.

You say she ‘Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either.
That must have been really horrible for her and possibly quite traumatic.

Maybe her use of the word ‘lucky’ is what is winding you up and it may have been better if she’d said that she envies that your DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

Ok she’s had a child with a twat but I think your responses could be more empathetic & sympathetic.

“I’m sorry your DH didn’t also take the time off”
”can’t you get your DH to help a bit more around the house”

At the end of the day you have had a much better time than her and because of your choices, are in a better position than her so I think you can afford to be a bit more forgiving if she is a good friend.

PurpleBlis · 17/09/2022 21:01

Try having some compassion for your friend. She's had a really shit time and its only natural to notice other people's experiences being different when the timing of your babies is so close.

It seems like you feel everything that went well for you was purely to do with your actions and that everything that went bad for her was her fault. Life is just not that simple.

Shit things happen to good people and sometimes things go well even though no one deserves it.

Carproblem · 17/09/2022 21:01

Gets really tiring after a while especially when so much isn't luck

You're just naturally 🙄so much better than her

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:01

@TastesLikeFlavourlessFizz

I'm not actually bothered about how it comes across

I'm posting the facts of this 'case'

If people want to be dramatic that's up to them

I've asked if I'm being unreasonable for finding her constant comparisons annoying

Not whether I'm being unreasonable for stating facts

OP posts:
Sprat12 · 17/09/2022 21:02

I don't think you are being heartless. This would get on my tits as well.

Have you actually said to her that you aren't lucky, and that you advocated for yourself (regarding the birth)? I think it could be tricky territory telling her that her husband is as much use as a wet fart as that could get her back up, but it very much depends on the kind of relationship you have with her.

I don't think I would sit by and let these comments keep coming if they pissed me off. No need to be confrontational about it, you can keep it lighthearted but still make your point.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:02

Carproblem · 17/09/2022 20:59

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

These comments make you sound like a bitch!

Saying to someone "you're lucky" is the polite and easy way way to say "you're better at navigating life than me" without having to get deep into why's and wherefores.
You should be grateful to have a nice friend.

Yeah constant comparisons aren't the marks of a nice friend

It's been 2-3 times a week for 7 months

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:02

Speakingofdinosaurs · 17/09/2022 21:00

Hi OP - I’m not really sure why you’re seeing her comments as annoying, rather than deserving of your sympathy.

You say she ‘Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either.
That must have been really horrible for her and possibly quite traumatic.

Maybe her use of the word ‘lucky’ is what is winding you up and it may have been better if she’d said that she envies that your DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

Ok she’s had a child with a twat but I think your responses could be more empathetic & sympathetic.

“I’m sorry your DH didn’t also take the time off”
”can’t you get your DH to help a bit more around the house”

At the end of the day you have had a much better time than her and because of your choices, are in a better position than her so I think you can afford to be a bit more forgiving if she is a good friend.

My replies are sympathetic

You think I tell her what I've written here?

Lordly

OP posts:
Royalbloo · 17/09/2022 21:03

Sounds like you hate each other. Bin the friendship.

noomchikka · 17/09/2022 21:04

You sounds like you want martyr points for mopping her floor for her (that's so odd, how come you were doing that all the time? I can't think that I'd ask a friend to do that for me once let alone over weeks).

You also sound like you want nothing but agreement.

So.

Go well.

Octomore · 17/09/2022 21:04

toooldtodate · 17/09/2022 20:43

I don't know OP you're post comes across as rather smug

You didn't choose not to have morning sickness - that was lucky

You are lucky your DH can take PL - even if her DH could maybe he couldn't afford it

And god your comment about how she didn't fight for a c section - I'm sorry the tone of your post is quite frankly really high handed, smug and awful - you weren't in the room with her to know how much she fought or not!

I agree with this! Your comment about her 'not fighting' for the c section is appalling.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:05

Sprat12 · 17/09/2022 21:02

I don't think you are being heartless. This would get on my tits as well.

Have you actually said to her that you aren't lucky, and that you advocated for yourself (regarding the birth)? I think it could be tricky territory telling her that her husband is as much use as a wet fart as that could get her back up, but it very much depends on the kind of relationship you have with her.

I don't think I would sit by and let these comments keep coming if they pissed me off. No need to be confrontational about it, you can keep it lighthearted but still make your point.

She definitely knows my view of her DH

Been her sounding board for his 90000 fuck ups for the past 10 years

I did make a serious plea with her when they got their dog, as he was as shit a 'dog dad' as he was ever going to be with a real baby. She acknowledged it, heck even said it herself but was in a sunk cost fallacy mindset of she has spent her 20's with him so it's him or no one for having kids with sadly.

OP posts:
ILoveAllRainbowsx · 17/09/2022 21:05

This reply has been deleted

This has been deleted by MNHQ for breaking our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:07

noomchikka · 17/09/2022 21:04

You sounds like you want martyr points for mopping her floor for her (that's so odd, how come you were doing that all the time? I can't think that I'd ask a friend to do that for me once let alone over weeks).

You also sound like you want nothing but agreement.

So.

Go well.

Hardly looking for martyr points

Just a bit weird being called heartless when I've been nothing but supportive

She was so sick during her first trimester she could barely stand, was almost hospitalised

I have a flexible job WFH and live 10 mins away

Why wouldn't I help in the day?

She often couldn't make it to the toilet for being sick, and was too drained to clean it up when she got to the loo to 'finish off'

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 17/09/2022 21:07

You sound like an awful judgemental friend and come across like a bitch I hope you weren't rude to her. Imagine not having an supportive partner told about kicking someone when they are down.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:07

@Octomore

Her comments about not fighting for it

I'm merely repeating the facts in my op, using her own comments

OP posts:
TwinkleChristmas · 17/09/2022 21:09

You don’t sound like a great friend to be honest and I would actually think you have the shit end of the stick having to give up 6 months of Mat leave. I’d rather be around my baby then give it up but I suppose we aren’t all cut out for a full year with our babies.

Teacupsandtoast · 17/09/2022 21:09

She really sounds like she's struggling. Traumatic births can make you really bitter, sad and vulnerable - a fourth degree tear is horrendous beyond words and she will have a WHOLE lot of physical + emotional healing to do. Not being able to breastfeed on top of that will add another layer of feeling guilt + failure. It's not easy to fight for your birth rights when you are vulnerable and your husband isn't a strong advocate for you

Next time she compares your situations, couldn't you say to her 'comparing our situations isnt helpful and I dont think it makes either of us feel good', and try and compliment on something she is doing brilliantly....right now, next to you, her best friend, she feels like an absolute failure, so building her confidence may help massively

noomchikka · 17/09/2022 21:10

FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:07

Hardly looking for martyr points

Just a bit weird being called heartless when I've been nothing but supportive

She was so sick during her first trimester she could barely stand, was almost hospitalised

I have a flexible job WFH and live 10 mins away

Why wouldn't I help in the day?

She often couldn't make it to the toilet for being sick, and was too drained to clean it up when she got to the loo to 'finish off'

Show quote history

So you can understand why she thinks you were so lucky not to have to go through that, yes?

I would work on your empathy, try to role model something for your child other than the ugly attitude you are currently sporting.

Cas112 · 17/09/2022 21:13

I find it hard to sympathise with you especially after the better life choices comment

Bananarama21 · 17/09/2022 21:13

It's not the realm of possibility she's is highly vulnerable and likely suffering from post partum depression? Do this lady and favour and end this friendship who need enemies with a friend like you.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:14

Bananarama21 · 17/09/2022 21:07

You sound like an awful judgemental friend and come across like a bitch I hope you weren't rude to her. Imagine not having an supportive partner told about kicking someone when they are down.

Why would I be rude to her?

Some of you really struggle with the concept of venting

OP posts:
HideousKinky · 17/09/2022 21:14

What's a babymoon?

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:15

@noomchikka

Of course, as that wasn't down to luck

The rest is the issue

And it's only a small sample in my op

I get these comments 2-3 times a week for the past 7 months

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:16

Cas112 · 17/09/2022 21:13

I find it hard to sympathise with you especially after the better life choices comment

Who is looking for sympathy

I don't need sympathy

Just wondering if I'm wrongly pissed off having these comments 2-3 times a week for 7+ months

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 21:16

HideousKinky · 17/09/2022 21:14

What's a babymoon?

A holiday before the baby comes (a reverse honeymoon of sorts)

OP posts:
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