AIBU friend comparing us all the time

[FriendWoes]

I'm not sure if I'm just being a hormonal grump or whether my friend is being unreasonable at this point

NC due to my old account being quite outing

Background -

My best friend of 15 years had her first baby 5 months ago, I had my first baby 4 weeks ago

Since being pregnant she has been low key comparing us and at the time it was awkward but not annoying, it's now getting to me

Examples -

She was very sick in her first trimester, I didn't have any sickness at all - constant comments about it, 'oh you're so lucky, I couldn't even go out in my first trimester' 'I wonder if you'll feel as great in your second trimester since you didn't have a tough first trimester like I did'

Her DH is a bit of a prick (whole other story) and refused to do any SPL, my DH couldn't wait to share the leave and we are doing 50:50 (6months each), after we spoke about that I had weeks of 'oh you're so lucky your DH could take the time off work' (I did at the time think, your DH could also take the time off but refuses to as he thinks his job is more important than yours - he has said that)

She had a pretty shit birth, ok really shit. She asked for a c section and was brushed off, she didn't fight it. Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either

I had an elective (as I fought for mine) and was out of hospital in 2 days, and can BF

As you can imagine this has then led to even more comments around my 'luck'

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

I was close to telling her it's not luck just better life choices when she was yet again going on about how lucky I am that DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

AIBU to be annoyed at her constant comparing. I understand her journey to parenthood wasn't fun, but I was there mopping her toilet floor when she was sick in the day (as her DH was useless) going to scans - being as supportive as I could, I'm now just getting pissed off about this insinuation that I am lucky when in most of the situations she refers to it's not luck at all. I just did something different, by choice

Regardless of the pregnancy and the birth, we are mothers, and it’s bloody hard. How awful that, at a time when you should share experiences, she’s choosing to alienate you. I reckon she feels pretty shit about her partner and is putting it all down to luck on your part.
Im alway someone who wishes to dismiss people out of my life after a small grievance. If I were being nice, I’d ask her if she’s okay or has a problem. If she says no, then she’s a nob that you just can’t help. Being a mum is hard enough but when your best friend is the villain, you’re in a bad way

You sound awful.

Her having a shit birth isn't her fault. I had a csection and haemorrhaged and had an infection after was in intensive care. I couldn't establish bf. This could have happened to you. Advocating harder for a csection isn't why your birth went well-it is somewhat the luck of the draw.

You don't sound like a very nice friend.

Bloody hell! I’m still struggling to see what you did wrong, OP! Awful that people are choosing to side after you’ve also had a baby. You just enjoy for your baby and wait for your mate to come to her senses. If she doesn’t, then you’ll have to adjust to being a friend down xx

I sincerely hope this thread isn’t going to turn into questioning a woman’s right to choose a c section. Which has RIGHTLY been a “thing” for years.

I imagine OP is being ‘catty’ because it’s in response to the level of catty that’s being thrown in her direction.

Calling something ‘luck’ denies personal agency being a factor at all, painting someone who isn’t lucky as merely being a powerless victim of circumstance when in fact they could have made different choices. And yes, i can absolutely see how it would get fucking draining being a sounding board for a friend that whilst moaning about their shit situation, makes no attempt to get out of if it or fight for themselves. It must be especially draining when you’ve had this for months if not years, on top of dealing with all the upheaval of having a baby. It doesn’t sound like a mutually supportive friendship, it sounds like OP is the one constantly looked upon for support.

Why does it bother you that much though?

You think everything that has gone well for you in life is down to your hard work and good choices. Fair enough.

She thinks you're lucky. Maybe it's easier for her to believe that or to create that narrative in her head because her life is hard or harder than yours.

I'm going to assume that you believe that people who are poor or struggling did not make good life choices or work hard enough.

God, give the woman a bloody break. YABU.

Your friend has plainly had a bloody hard start to mothering, and your implication that by not fighting for a C-section she is somehow culpable for having a grade 4 tear is fucking horrible. Your decision to fight (like the deserving winner you are!) was probably informed by her terrible experience anyway.

I couldn't have put it better myself, @Mwnci123

OP, you also had a supportive partner backing you (as other PP have pointed out). It's great that you advocated for yourself, but you also don't know the level of pushback she was getting compared to what you got.

I do agree that some of the other comments would be annoying, especially the dog one.

This is where I'm confused too. Why do you even care? Who cares what's luck and what isn't? Yes well done you for making whatever choices you did - is it that you want a pat on the back and are upset she's not doing so?

I think YABVU to be annoyed about this. It sounds like she's just struggling.

Sounds like you don't really like each other OP. It's hard when a friendship no longer works, especially after such a long time.

I think the fact she had such a horrendous labour is not her 'life choice' by the way. It is very unlikely she didn't 'fight' hard enough for a c-section, maternity care is abysmal and women are not listened to. If her baby is only 5m old she's probably still processing what happened, a 4th degree tear must be horrendous!!!

If these comparisons bother you now, just wait until the babies start crawling, walking and talking- it will be endless but it's also pretty normal.

Fair play regarding her DH though, he sounds a twat.

Comparison is the the their of all joy. Repeat that every time that every time she starts.

Comparison is the thief of all joy!!

Wow. Had to skip from page 1 to page 7 because of all the posts telling you @FriendWoes that YOU were the unreasonable one!
I have a family member continually telling me how 'lucky' I am. Drives you CRAZY, doesn't it? We all have choices, some of us make better ones than others.
Hopefully your friend will mellow a little, but I personally would start edging back just a little, to preserve your sanity..

She may well be annoying or jealous but I do think your post comes across as insensitive.

It is pure luck to fight for a c section, women aren't taken seriously often and you have to get lucky in being persistent enough and getting the right consultant to get that as a choice.

It is pure luck to not have morning sickness, or have a traumatic birth that made breastfeeding harder.

I had an incredibly easy birth and whilst bf was hard and painful for a few weeks I stuck at it and had good support - mostly all down to luck. Down to luck my partner isn't an arse, down to luck I was born into a loving family, down to luck I had a simple birth.

Yes having kids with an arsehole is usually a choice, but cut her some slack. She's probably traumatised, beating herself up and sad that she wasn't as lucky.

Also my DH is incredibly involved and supportive, but didn't take SPL as it wasn't financially viable and I wanted the whole Mat leave due to bf! Each family works differently

Yeah it's starting to alienate me and what's worse is I thought us having babies so close together would be this amazing experience we could both share.

And I think had her birth gone a bit better it would have been, but it's really causing tension and leads me to walking on egg shells whenever we meet up

She'll ask how feeding is going and I don't want to answer because I'm not sure if it will trigger more comparison comments. But I also don't want to lie, as others have said if I need to sprinkle some shit experiences in to keep this friendship going I will but I'm not at the lying about good experiences stage yet

Who said it was her fault?

As I've said numerous times

Those are her comments

I only added about me having to fight for mine to show I didn't live in a trust area where they don't make you fight for it, as then I could understand her luck comments. As then me having one would have been based on luck if I didn't have to jump through hoops etc.

It's not pure luck for a C-section as a maternal request

NICE guidelines are pretty clear on that fact.

As my midwife said to me at the start of this pregnancy I am coming into the 'negotiations' in a position of power as they can't refuse. The individual consultant can but the hospital can't, they have to find you someone who will (as that's when it's escalated to the consultant midwifery team)

Not sure when you had your babies but this has been the case since 2018

Again, she is the one who said she didn't fight hard enough

Not me

And tbh from her own account she didn't fight at all, but that's no judgement from me. (As in she asked her midwife, who said 'oh you don't want to do that' and left it, didn't ask to still be put through to the consultant etc.)

Thank you for this, and yes if people post shitty replies to me they will most likely get a shitty one back

Especially when they've jumped to 8 conclusions and replied based on their made up narrative instead of the post at hand (I'm looking at you poster who said 'maybe her DH didn't become a dick until later in the marriage' so that's why you're unreasonable)

AIBU is always a mixed bag but I'm grateful to those who have bothered to read my post properly and answer based on that, and really thankful to those who are making feel less crazy - as there is just something about the word lucky that grates on me and yes as you said it's the lack of agency element, that is frustrating

I've had to stop reading because you sound horrible!

She's clearly struggling. Instead of being supportive you're finding things to get offended about and criticising her to strangers.

You're no friend.

I think you're being a bit unreasonable, but I also think that four weeks post-partum is a time when being a bit unreasonable is ok, and that other posters are being incredibly harsh on you given that. You're vulnerable too.

I think maybe you need to see less of each other for now, while you both have such young babies. So much of this stuff - whether pregnancy was easy or tough, birth experiences, feeding - will all seem much less important in a while, and in a few years you won't think about it. The idea of having a baby at the same time as a friend seems nice, but I've seen it work out like this a few times - there's too much room for comparison and also both need support that the other one can't give because they need it too.

When you do see her, which I'd recommend being less often, I think you need to just say to her that you don't think you should talk about the births anymore - it isn't helpful for either of you. She sees you as the 'and here's what you could have had' prize that she blames herself for missing out on, and that's painful and hard for her but not in any way your fault. Surely you relate to that a bit from years TTC? Do you think there's a bit of you that still feels a bit traumatized from that? I also had a hard time getting/staying pregnant and then easy pregnancy and birth, breastfed like a dream and I think I maybe felt a bit like that; like people felt like the bad experiences before disappeared as soon as I had a successful pregnancy and so didn't 'count' any more, but they very much did to me.

I would guess that what she desperately wants - and why she keeps endlessly bringing it up - is for you, for anyone, to reassure her that it wasn't her fault, that she followed medical advice and had no way of knowing that she wouldn't have a good vaginal birth and that she therefore didn't bring this on herself. It doesn't sound like you're the right person to do that, so I think that's why you two just need to stop having that conversation at all.

It bothers me because it just gets plain awkward after a while

Hearing oh you're so lucky for this and that 2-3 times a week for 7+ months is not only draining, but also what do you say? I just sit there and awkwardly smile or nod, sometimes a 'oh yeah' with an awkward laugh after but it does get draining.

It also means I struggle to confide in her for things that she thinks I'm lucky about. I'd love to give up BF and really want to ask her about her FF and whether she'd recommend the perfect prep that she has etc. but when all she talks about is how lucky I am I can BF it feels a bit like I can't discuss that with her. Same applies to pain management for my scar etc.

Also the bits around her DH it gets really annoying as it's the same issues time and time again, issues I told her would be a problem before they TTC, issues she told me she knew would be a problem before she TTC. Yet all that seems to be forgotten as now it's 'oh you're so lucky your husband doesn't do x,y or z and I think to myself yours did all that before you had a baby!!

Don't tell me it doesn't annoy you when people post on here about shit fathers and they then say how awful they were before having a baby. Most of the comments on posts like that are 'why did you have a baby with him if he was like this before' she is a real life version of those posts, but I hear it multiple times a week!

I love her to bits and if I had a magic wand I'd banish her awful midwifery team and DH to a cave somewhere but I don't. And as I said in previous posts I'm hardly one of those people who glide through life, this is actually the first prolonged period of 'good luck' I've had in my entire life. Which is why it's even more annoying she is comparing.

Sorry that was much longer than anticipated