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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU friend comparing us all the time

214 replies

FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 20:38

I'm not sure if I'm just being a hormonal grump or whether my friend is being unreasonable at this point

NC due to my old account being quite outing

Background -

My best friend of 15 years had her first baby 5 months ago, I had my first baby 4 weeks ago

Since being pregnant she has been low key comparing us and at the time it was awkward but not annoying, it's now getting to me

Examples -

She was very sick in her first trimester, I didn't have any sickness at all - constant comments about it, 'oh you're so lucky, I couldn't even go out in my first trimester' 'I wonder if you'll feel as great in your second trimester since you didn't have a tough first trimester like I did'

Her DH is a bit of a prick (whole other story) and refused to do any SPL, my DH couldn't wait to share the leave and we are doing 50:50 (6months each), after we spoke about that I had weeks of 'oh you're so lucky your DH could take the time off work' (I did at the time think, your DH could also take the time off but refuses to as he thinks his job is more important than yours - he has said that)

She had a pretty shit birth, ok really shit. She asked for a c section and was brushed off, she didn't fight it. Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either

I had an elective (as I fought for mine) and was out of hospital in 2 days, and can BF

As you can imagine this has then led to even more comments around my 'luck'

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

I was close to telling her it's not luck just better life choices when she was yet again going on about how lucky I am that DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

AIBU to be annoyed at her constant comparing. I understand her journey to parenthood wasn't fun, but I was there mopping her toilet floor when she was sick in the day (as her DH was useless) going to scans - being as supportive as I could, I'm now just getting pissed off about this insinuation that I am lucky when in most of the situations she refers to it's not luck at all. I just did something different, by choice

OP posts:
YellowTreeHouse · 17/09/2022 22:20

You are the people here. You’re just coming across as a bitch.

You're also not lucky about SPL. DH can be a 50/50 parent without separating baby from mum. I just feel sorry for you.

noomchikka · 17/09/2022 22:21

So, to recap.

She tells you, to your face that you're 'lucky' and you disagree with that.

You, in turn, go on the internet. Write really personal details about her, her fourth degree tear her traumatic birth and the reasons - that in your opinion - her traumatic birth was all her own fault. You describe her as procreating with a twat.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:21

Natty13 · 17/09/2022 21:57

Ignore the posters telling you you are selfish and think you're better, you clearly did loads for her and everyone has a limit.

You don't understand why she had a child with someone she knew wouldn't chip in, why she didn't push for a c section if she wanted one, why she stopped exercising and said you were lucky to do so etc. What I don't understand is why peiple who are approaching the end of their patience don't say something before it gets too late and they snap (and damage the friendship) or distance themselves so they DON'T snap (and also damage the friendship). Why can't you say something like "Joanne you might not realise yoire doing it but you keep telling me I am lucky for so many things. I have been really lucky in life but the constant comparisons are really getting to me, can you please stop?" ?

It's definitely got to me more since giving birth

It was annoying but not pissing me off too much until I came home from hospital and it carried on, which is why I'm wondering if it's me being a 4 week postpartum hormonal grump Blush

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 17/09/2022 22:22

FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:09

@Sometimeswinning

The term baby moon has been in use for decades

If you want more information on it you can always consult google

I did. Lots of holiday companies came up 🤣 This also screams #babymoon to me. Your friends been through alot. You've been there but now

Sometimeswinning · 17/09/2022 22:23

Your using it for your own gain.

Sorry, posted too soon!!

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:24

sintrawest · 17/09/2022 22:04

I think you’re getting a lot of these comments because although I’m willing to bet an overwhelming majority would feel the same as you in your position, but the way it’s written out does sound a little bit smug and “I’m better than her because I make better life choices”. I don’t think you are smug or think you’re better than her, maybe it’s just having it written down sounds a bit bitchy. Only exception is the C section bit - don’t know the full context of what happened but childbirth is terrifying for a lot of people and I can imagine her not feeling able to advocate for herself in the moment, especially with a crap DP.

I would feel really irritated having to listen to all the luck comments too, but I’m not sure what you can really do about it. You can’t very well tell it straight. I wonder if you could say something about finding it a bit upsetting when she keeps calling it lucky when you’ve had to make some difficult choices/sacrifices/hard work for those results, and it wasn’t easy? Though that wouldn’t work for all examples of courses.

do you confide in her things that aren’t going well for you or that you struggle with?

Some people (myself included sadly!) aren’t as good at making good decisions for themselves and it must be frustrating to others around.

Try and remember her comments are likely coming from envy and sadness about how things turn out for her. And maybe step back a bit if you can’t handle.

I confide a lot about the shit side of parenting

And she was there for my 4 year journey to even get pregnant which is why this is even more annoying

I'm hardly someone who glides through life getting everything I want - if that was the case I'd understand it a bit more, and I think we all know people like that. But I have one bout of good fortune (in her eyes) and that's it, constant comparisons

OP posts:
Bananarama21 · 17/09/2022 22:26

It doesn't take a genuis to see she's struggling and her mental health is affected, viewing everyone as coping and comparing themselves to others. Feeling like they are failing. A decent friend would support her and ask how she's feeling not bitch about her.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:26

@Mwnci123

Yes I'll place a friends wanted ad right now

Requirements
Smug
Heartless
Perfect births
No trauma allowed

Take a biscuit Biscuit

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:27

MindGoneBlankNeedName · 17/09/2022 22:10

I'd be pissed off too. But then I've had periods like this with other situations in my life. It grated after a while when a friend or colleague etc spectacularly misses the mark and repeats something constantly.

Youre not being a bitch, you're venting here because it's anonymous and saves you causing her something else to be upset about during a period which is super difficult for her. None of us think our friends are perfect all time. You recognise she's in a bad place and you understand what causes her to say these things (her life choices and elements outside of her control which any of us would freak about).

Being a bitch would be negging her or sharing things with her other friends or family or colleagues etc. Being a bitch would be calling her out on this during a time when she is probably not in as much control over her insensitive and irritating remarks.

I would pull away for a while, hopefully she will turn to the counselling and start healing. It's wonderful to have the sorts of friends who will be there, mop our puke, listen, be that extra stretch of support - but sometimes we have to hit rock bottom alone to begin climbing back upwards and healing.

Well that's my 2 cents anyway.

Thank you for this

I have a few weeks away planned soon so hopefully this might be a natural break and it coincides with some of her counselling sessions

Maybe it will do the trick!

OP posts:
Caroffee · 17/09/2022 22:27

FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:09

@Sometimeswinning

The term baby moon has been in use for decades

If you want more information on it you can always consult google

This post does make you sound like a smug know-it-all. I was sitting on the fence until this point in the thread but reading this post has sealed it. Neither you nor your friend sound like nice people. You're either a match made in heaven or it's all going to end very, very badly. Keep posting = keeping digging your own grave in the eyes of your readers, OP.

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:29

Bananarama21 · 17/09/2022 22:17

A good friend would sit her down and ask her how she feels, as you think she might be struggling as she seems to be comparing herself and maybe suggest doing something together instead of going on a forum to bitch about her.

I know how she feels

I hear about it 2-3 times a week

Why do you not think I know how she feels?

Again - irrelevant comments

OP posts:
TokyoTen · 17/09/2022 22:29

I dont think the friendship is working for either of you is the kindest way to put it. Perhaps back off and find others. This has run its course

Bananarama21 · 17/09/2022 22:30

Christ your a piece of work aren't you. You know she's depressed and struggling yet your slagging her off on the Internet.

mummaforever · 17/09/2022 22:31

Sounds like you're being judgemental & lacking empathy, and don't realise how privileged you are to have had a better experience

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:31

YellowTreeHouse · 17/09/2022 22:20

You are the people here. You’re just coming across as a bitch.

You're also not lucky about SPL. DH can be a 50/50 parent without separating baby from mum. I just feel sorry for you.

I don't think I'm lucky at all

50:50 is what most should expect from their partners imo

My friend considers me lucky as she wanted 50:50 spl as she wanted to get back to work but not put her DD in childcare that early

But can't do that since her DH won't do the 50%

I feel sorry for you that you can't understand not everyone needs to dominate the first year after their babies birth

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:31

noomchikka · 17/09/2022 22:21

So, to recap.

She tells you, to your face that you're 'lucky' and you disagree with that.

You, in turn, go on the internet. Write really personal details about her, her fourth degree tear her traumatic birth and the reasons - that in your opinion - her traumatic birth was all her own fault. You describe her as procreating with a twat.

Who said it was her fault?

You're hilarious

OP posts:
Mwnci123 · 17/09/2022 22:32

@FriendWoes I think you absolutely do imply that she is in some way responsible for her birth trauma. A decent friend would be countering her self-blaming statements about not fighting enough with the fact that a) there are good reasons to follow medical advice and b) she was bloody unlucky to have that degree of birth injury, because actually many women have positive experiences of vaginal birth. What you've chosen to do is to contrast her lack of fight with you own successful self advocacy in a way that suggests that you agree with her self-blaming. It's a horrible attitude.

I'm sorry you had such a difficult time conceiving. With that in mind, I can see why you would feel some irritation around the way your friend is dealing with this.

Lucyintheskywithrubies · 17/09/2022 22:32

Op I know what it’s like at 4 weeks postpartum and you are probably feeling mental right now.

The comments have annoyed you but it’s getting to you way more than it should. I don’t think you mean the things you’ve said in the way they’ve come across on here.

I would try have a break from the friend for a bit. you’ve got your own stuff going on and you’ve clearly been there for her. It’s your time now to enjoy your baby and have some time and space. X

Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:33

mummaforever · 17/09/2022 22:31

Sounds like you're being judgemental & lacking empathy, and don't realise how privileged you are to have had a better experience

Yes so privileged Biscuit

OP posts:
Original poster
FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:35

Mwnci123 · 17/09/2022 22:32

@FriendWoes I think you absolutely do imply that she is in some way responsible for her birth trauma. A decent friend would be countering her self-blaming statements about not fighting enough with the fact that a) there are good reasons to follow medical advice and b) she was bloody unlucky to have that degree of birth injury, because actually many women have positive experiences of vaginal birth. What you've chosen to do is to contrast her lack of fight with you own successful self advocacy in a way that suggests that you agree with her self-blaming. It's a horrible attitude.

I'm sorry you had such a difficult time conceiving. With that in mind, I can see why you would feel some irritation around the way your friend is dealing with this.

I'm not implying anything

I'm posting what she has said herself

I don't agree with her view of her birth but supported her in writing her complaint to the community midwife team who brushed her off

OP posts:
Justleaveitblankthen · 17/09/2022 22:36

Why did you fight for a C section? Sorry, genuinely curious.

TastesLikeStrawberries · 17/09/2022 22:36

Carproblem · 17/09/2022 20:59

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

These comments make you sound like a bitch!

Saying to someone "you're lucky" is the polite and easy way way to say "you're better at navigating life than me" without having to get deep into why's and wherefores.
You should be grateful to have a nice friend.

'You're lucky' can also come across as really patronising and annoying and I totally get where OP is coming from

I was told I was lucky I had a c section as I didn't have to go through an induction, contractions or pushing a baby out through my foof. Because a c section is just lovely and pain free Hmm

OP's friend sounds like a twat imo, she's making everything into a mini competition and making it out like she's terribly hard done by.

tonightelmowillrise · 17/09/2022 22:37

Im embarrassed for you, your lack of ability to empathise with your friend’s shit experience is something I’d expect from a self centred teen

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 17/09/2022 22:38

I'd end the friendship.

She envies you and seems to expect your support.

You're fed up with her.

Just go your own ways.

noomchikka · 17/09/2022 22:43

FriendWoes · 17/09/2022 22:31

Who said it was her fault?

You're hilarious

Show quote history

"She had a pretty shit birth, ok really shit. She asked for a c section and was brushed off, she didn't fight it"

This was you. That's what you said. Surely you can see what you've said here.

I really hope she doesn't see this thread. You've martyred yourself for months so you can fee good about yourself all the while gathering information to bitch over on the internet.

Stop with the biscuits, too. So childish.