AIBU friend comparing us all the time

[FriendWoes]

I'm not sure if I'm just being a hormonal grump or whether my friend is being unreasonable at this point

NC due to my old account being quite outing

Background -

My best friend of 15 years had her first baby 5 months ago, I had my first baby 4 weeks ago

Since being pregnant she has been low key comparing us and at the time it was awkward but not annoying, it's now getting to me

Examples -

She was very sick in her first trimester, I didn't have any sickness at all - constant comments about it, 'oh you're so lucky, I couldn't even go out in my first trimester' 'I wonder if you'll feel as great in your second trimester since you didn't have a tough first trimester like I did'

Her DH is a bit of a prick (whole other story) and refused to do any SPL, my DH couldn't wait to share the leave and we are doing 50:50 (6months each), after we spoke about that I had weeks of 'oh you're so lucky your DH could take the time off work' (I did at the time think, your DH could also take the time off but refuses to as he thinks his job is more important than yours - he has said that)

She had a pretty shit birth, ok really shit. She asked for a c section and was brushed off, she didn't fight it. Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either

I had an elective (as I fought for mine) and was out of hospital in 2 days, and can BF

As you can imagine this has then led to even more comments around my 'luck'

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

I was close to telling her it's not luck just better life choices when she was yet again going on about how lucky I am that DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

AIBU to be annoyed at her constant comparing. I understand her journey to parenthood wasn't fun, but I was there mopping her toilet floor when she was sick in the day (as her DH was useless) going to scans - being as supportive as I could, I'm now just getting pissed off about this insinuation that I am lucky when in most of the situations she refers to it's not luck at all. I just did something different, by choice

It's a pretentious word for going on holiday when you're pregnant. If you're a nasty point scorer it's the kind of thing you one-up your also pregnant friend about.

This is extremely outing and could easily be picked up by the media. In a way I hope she does see this post and see what type of friend you really are.

@noomchikka

Meow

Hardly outing but do continue with your irrelevant posts

So true

Eh you probably need to take a break from her so just don't see her for a week or two & during that time come up with some solid "well luck doesn't come into it" responses...

"Um it's not luck that I don't have a dog, I've simply chosen not to"

"Yeah DH taking SPL is great, but it's a choice we all have so wasn't luck"

... etc.

And have a think about elements of her life that you may think are 'better' than yours. Does her Baby sleep better at night or nap better? Does she have more helpful in-laws? Does she have some other kind of set up that you envy? And be ready to let her know how lucky you think she is - you can gently point out to her that some things are better for her - perhaps financially or space in house etc. There must be something.

And if you value the friendship, grin and bear it. Or if this is the start of the end of the friendship then just pull back.

A what? What's the point there? Is it like when you go on holiday and you're pregnant? Isn't that just going on holiday whilst you're pregnant?

You’re probably in the right on the whole but it’s your attitude to your differing birth stories that is unpleasant.
So many things can go wrong, birth plans go tits up all the time. Your perfectly planned c section could have gone wrong or the healing could have been difficult. You HAVE been fortunate that everything has gone smoothly for you. She IS unlucky that it went hideously for her. I feel for her yet you are coming across as so pleased with yourself.

You basically detailed her traumatic birth, her being hospitalised with sickness, you mopping her floor after being sick, how old the child in question is, the baby moon. These are pretty specific details are linked together make you easy identifiable.

Baby moon is used really commonly in America and not pretentious in the slightest so judgy people should pull up their frilly judgy pants & move on

You sound nastier and nastier with every post... and you sounded fairly nasty in your OP.

Would you prefer she replaced the word "lucky" with the word "better"?

Some of you really struggle with the concept of venting

And apparently you’re really struggling with the concept of AIBU.

You’ve got your answer. You seem unlikely to take it onboard. The thread is at a stalemate so that’s it really.

Ah the vipers are out OP - I don't think you warrant the crappy responses that your getting

I don’t think you sound smug/heartless/like a shit friend at all. You’re venting your feelings on here and haven’t said these things to her.

She’s obviously made some crap choices and is jealous, which is ultimately quite sad. However being referred to as “lucky” isn’t a compliment and I can understand your frustration.

You both sound like you’ve got into a rut, her being jealous and you being irritated by those comments. Do you think it’s worth maybe pulling her up on it? “Please stop saying these things because I have my share of shit days too”. Maybe open up to her about your struggles as a new mum? She obviously thinks you have everything sorted and picture perfect which understandably will make her feel 10x worse

It's been a while when the op has been a real piece of work and the majority of posters are in agreement.

*you're

I wouldn't be pissed off with someone telling me I'm lucky all the time no. Many more things in the world to be pissed off about.

It's really stupid. Babymoon?? It's ridiculous! 9 months of being pregnant. You're probably going to fit a holiday in at some point. 🤣🤣 Who came up with this shit??

I think “you’re so lucky” is just clumsy shorthand for “I wish I had….”. Like my DD says her school lunch is “disgusting” when she means it wasn’t exactly what she’d have chosen. I suspect it’s just sloppy speech rather than her actually insinuating that you’ve been blessed with better luck than she has. If she’s a good friend, could you just try to see it as an irritating verbal tick?

@Sometimeswinning who knows who came up with it but it's pretty commonly used by a LOT of people 🤷🏼‍♀️

YABU

I agree with pp that her saying "you're lucky" is possibly just a clumsy way of acknowledging that some things have worked out better for you, rather than claiming to have had no control or responsibility for her own shit. Also, fwiw, there is a big element of luck in your good husband and good birth. I have had similar luck.

Your friend has plainly had a bloody hard start to mothering, and your implication that by not fighting for a C-section she is somehow culpable for having a grade 4 tear is fucking horrible. Your decision to fight (like the deserving winner you are!) was probably informed by her terrible experience anyway.

I had a friend like this, it's super draining and irritating. Her buzz word was mainly easy, but sometimes she would say lucky.

She would say nonsense like it's easy for you as you don't need to spend all your money on childcare -we had over 4 years of infertility and a few rounds of IVF so no errr we didn't! You're luck you can go to the gym, l can't now as l have children. She never went to the gym much pre-children so that was bollocks 🤷‍♀️

Your friends use of the word luck feels like she minimising and often dismissing your choices and decisions. For a c-section then the reality is women do need to fight for them. It shouldn't be like that but it is the reality in a lot of places in this country right now. It's what l will be doing for myself

Apart from the morning sickness part then none of it sounds like luck.For the record right now lm dying of morning sickness at nearly 10pm at night so l know how rough it is

I would distance myself from her, she sounds negative and hard work. I ended up confronting my friend as she got worse and worse. In the end she said she wasn't sorry, wasn't going to change and she didn't care l was upset. Plus was raging as l challenged her

Why would I be rude to her?

Some of you really struggle with the concept of venting

You don't need to be openly rude to her for her to have picked up on your attitude towards her.

And your response to @Bananarama21 above was ...

Never heard of it. I'll bet holiday companies are loving it though. Honestly, people will fall for anything! Not judging completely. Do people palm their other kids off to do this? What if you have lots of children? Does it make a difference?