AIBU friend comparing us all the time

[FriendWoes]

I'm not sure if I'm just being a hormonal grump or whether my friend is being unreasonable at this point

NC due to my old account being quite outing

Background -

My best friend of 15 years had her first baby 5 months ago, I had my first baby 4 weeks ago

Since being pregnant she has been low key comparing us and at the time it was awkward but not annoying, it's now getting to me

Examples -

She was very sick in her first trimester, I didn't have any sickness at all - constant comments about it, 'oh you're so lucky, I couldn't even go out in my first trimester' 'I wonder if you'll feel as great in your second trimester since you didn't have a tough first trimester like I did'

Her DH is a bit of a prick (whole other story) and refused to do any SPL, my DH couldn't wait to share the leave and we are doing 50:50 (6months each), after we spoke about that I had weeks of 'oh you're so lucky your DH could take the time off work' (I did at the time think, your DH could also take the time off but refuses to as he thinks his job is more important than yours - he has said that)

She had a pretty shit birth, ok really shit. She asked for a c section and was brushed off, she didn't fight it. Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either

I had an elective (as I fought for mine) and was out of hospital in 2 days, and can BF

As you can imagine this has then led to even more comments around my 'luck'

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

I was close to telling her it's not luck just better life choices when she was yet again going on about how lucky I am that DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

AIBU to be annoyed at her constant comparing. I understand her journey to parenthood wasn't fun, but I was there mopping her toilet floor when she was sick in the day (as her DH was useless) going to scans - being as supportive as I could, I'm now just getting pissed off about this insinuation that I am lucky when in most of the situations she refers to it's not luck at all. I just did something different, by choice

As I've explained to other posters

It's draining

Thankfully some posters on here have experienced this themselves and agree it's mentally and emotionally draining

If you don't understand that's fine, thankfully many have understood and given some great, constructive feedback

Yes I saw your explanations. I still think it's daft and YABU.

It's telling that you assume everyone who disagrees with you simply hasn't experienced what you have. I have, actually, and instead of finding reasons to be annoyed by it I simply recognised it as the behaviour of somebody struggling.

But it’s true? Recognizing that isn’t being smug.

If OP has been her sounding board for years, and watched her repeatedly make choices she then complains about, as if she had no say in how her life is, it’s no wonder she’s burned out. Support in friendships is supposed to go both ways, not continuously one way.

I would distance yourself OP, put your focus on friendships where you feel supported as well.

It's telling that you assume everyone who disagrees with you simply hasn't experienced what you have.
Agreed. OP is the type of person who cannot be wrong
I have, actually, and instead of finding reasons to be annoyed by it I simply recognised it as the behaviour of somebody struggling.
As OP is so strong, determined, if it wasn't for her strength of character she'd probably suffer too but struggling is for the dim or those who make bad choices.

You're poor friend.

Unlike family you can pick your friends. If your post was about a sister or other close family member, I would have some empathy. From your very first post it is as obvious as the sky is blue that you do not like your friend with whom you choose to have in your life. I would not want you as a friend. The ins and outs of who is right or wrong is not relevant. You do not like her, let alone love her, move on.

She's unreasonable to compare and moan.

You're unreasonable for being a bit harsh about her maternity team and her partner being rubbish.

The sickness was luck. Potentially so was you being more naturally assertive and able to engage your maternity team to listen to you. The husbands - well, believe me, I didn't imagine mine would turn into the person he is these days either.

How do you usually respond when she starts saying you’re lucky OP? I think you need to gently change how you respond.

I would give her a couple of weeks in counselling before bringing anything up, and then in future when she says

”you’re so lucky xyz”

Say something along the lines of “I know I’ve been lucky with xyz, unfortunately some people are luckier in some areas and unluckier in others. I’ve been very unlucky with my 4 years infertility and losses, but I try to focus on what I do have”

If you want to change to FFing then go ahead, and when she asks how feeding is going say you have had to change to formula as BFing didn’t work out.

If you want advice about FFing and items like the perfect prep start a thread on another MN board (I think there may be one for infant feeding?) and ask on there.

She may have said that she didn't advocate enough for a c-section, but you are agreeing with her and blaming her traumatic birth on that. I know people who had difficult or easy vaginal births, and people who had difficult or easy c-sections: it is a lot luck based. I do think you are unreasonable about that.

I don't think you should be holding back. I think it would help enormously to actually say some of the things that make her lucky, and to acknowledge your own difficulties. Don't allow her to make is so one-sided and you will probably feel better.

Sorry posted too soon - you basically need to begin gently shutting down the comparisons instead of letting them continue. It’s not healthy for you or her.

If she really can’t drop it then I would consider cooking the friendship

It sounds really annoying. I would have to say something I.e:

Her: you're so lucky not having a difficult birth
You: while your birth was awful and I have been very supportive for you re that, I find it very hurtful that you keep saying my journey to motherhood was lucky. As you know I suffered many loses over a number of years and it was very difficult and hearing you repeatedly saying how lucky I am is very upsetting so please stop saying it.

It’s difficult, I think you are both being slightly unreasonable tbh.
I lost my daughter at 29wks had a very traumatic birth, my friend told me she was pregnant about 4weeks after. I was naturally grieving but I also didn’t make any comments and just said congratulations and offered if she needed anything to let me know! However I was almost jealous and envy for months after! Of course your situation is different with your friend, but even having a traumatic birth/complications can cause this sort of jealousy and hurt!

ofcourse, I would never of wished anything bad upon my friend having her baby! But I did feel “why does she get to keep and cuddle her baby and I can’t?” I know it probably sounds really horrible and nasty, I also felt this way leaving the hospital seeing every other person leaving with there baby and coming in while in labour. I felt very angry, hurt, jealous and envy! I also felt I failed my daughter and I didn’t “carry her like I should have”. Not saying people who have experienced the same as me as “there fault” just stating what went through my mind when everything happened, I had my midwife appointment a week beforehand and everything was fine.

I can understand why you’d feel almost run down with constant “lucky comments” because your right, you should be able to speak about parenting in a positive way, it must be exhausting to constantly worry about what will upset or trigger your friend.

im just trying to give you another perspective on to this. Please don’t take it offensively why she’s doing this. She is probably still traumatised from her birth, yes she may not have been given a c section, some people feel uncomfortable pushing for things especially when they’ve been told by a midwife that it’s not needed or a good idea, maybe her midwife was just the type of person to not actually listen? Maybe she didn’t want to go against the advice given at the time as it is a very scary time with birth looming.

I think your being slightly unreasonable by the way you speak about your friend, you don’t sound very understanding and almost seem to make it all about how “you” feel. What your friend could do with when she mentions a “lucky comment” is a hug from you, sit there and say “yes you know what, I was lucky for xyz, but you also are a brilliant mum to your little one, we’re here to support each other” positive comments to her is what she needs right now, I can tell you now with what she has experienced it won’t just go after 7months. She sounded like she had a horrendous birth, awful pregnancy and to top it off her DH doesn’t sound very helpful either!

I think you also need to just be open and honest, say to her that you feel her “lucky” comments are not necessary, she will then have the chance to explain why she’s saying it often, it could be you’ve taken offence and maybe she hasn’t chosen the best way to word things.
both of your hormones will be up in the air! Show your still there to support her, she sounds as though she’s struggling and needs some compassion at the moment.

she is probably blaming herself for a lot of what went wrong from what I am gathering from you posts, hopefully counselling will help her overcome this! Just remember she won’t be intentionally meaning to be this way, nobody wants to feel hurt/upset/jealous of how better someone else seems to be doing, she is probably looking at your whole situation in envy and this is clouding her choice of words and how she’s handling things. Potentially you could offer to go with her to one or two counselling appointments as support? She sounds like she’s crying out for some positivity and support tbh. Good luck x

To be honest I kind of get you. I don’t think you’ve necessarily helped yourself because you’ve posted in AIBU and then denied any possibility of BU, though, so people will jump on that.

It’s just altogether awkward and difficult to know what to say in these situations. Like, I have friends who are permanently single and they are always on about how it’s unfair and people in relationships are so lucky and it’s like yeah, I would hate to be in their position but it’s also not my fault… so I just don’t ever talk to them about my relationship, because I don’t want to upset them or get into a situation where I feel I need to feel guilty for something like that.

Also, when someone complains to you about something constantly and then never changes it, it is really frustrating (re: her moaning about her DH). I think it’s difficult because it’s also not easy for her to walk away, but then what else can you say at a certain point? It’s hard to hear about the same problem and offer advice constantly that you know won’t ever be taken.

Ultimately I feel sorry for her, but can also see why this is annoying, and also can tell from your comments that you do care about her. I think neither of you are particularly unreasonable and your friendship sounds like it will last through this with some communication, understanding and effort on both sides.

It's a very passive response. You could say proactively a constructive way forward with her but it's very much a way to deal with your frustration. I reckon a ' if I was you this is what I would propose to be lucky going forward...' or simply close down with a 'well I have worked hard for my luck and reference your IVF...'

It sounds to me as though she is unhappy with the situation she has found herself in but doesn’t know how to assert herself. To me it sounds as thought she needs to build up her confidence but now is a difficult to time to do it. Could you signpost potential sources if support to her and distance yourself a bit more.