AIBU friend comparing us all the time

[FriendWoes]

I'm not sure if I'm just being a hormonal grump or whether my friend is being unreasonable at this point

NC due to my old account being quite outing

Background -

My best friend of 15 years had her first baby 5 months ago, I had my first baby 4 weeks ago

Since being pregnant she has been low key comparing us and at the time it was awkward but not annoying, it's now getting to me

Examples -

She was very sick in her first trimester, I didn't have any sickness at all - constant comments about it, 'oh you're so lucky, I couldn't even go out in my first trimester' 'I wonder if you'll feel as great in your second trimester since you didn't have a tough first trimester like I did'

Her DH is a bit of a prick (whole other story) and refused to do any SPL, my DH couldn't wait to share the leave and we are doing 50:50 (6months each), after we spoke about that I had weeks of 'oh you're so lucky your DH could take the time off work' (I did at the time think, your DH could also take the time off but refuses to as he thinks his job is more important than yours - he has said that)

She had a pretty shit birth, ok really shit. She asked for a c section and was brushed off, she didn't fight it. Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either

I had an elective (as I fought for mine) and was out of hospital in 2 days, and can BF

As you can imagine this has then led to even more comments around my 'luck'

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

I was close to telling her it's not luck just better life choices when she was yet again going on about how lucky I am that DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

AIBU to be annoyed at her constant comparing. I understand her journey to parenthood wasn't fun, but I was there mopping her toilet floor when she was sick in the day (as her DH was useless) going to scans - being as supportive as I could, I'm now just getting pissed off about this insinuation that I am lucky when in most of the situations she refers to it's not luck at all. I just did something different, by choice

Uh distance yourself from the poor woman for her sake, you seem rude and smug and the last thing anyone needs when navigating parenting after a shit pregnancy/ birth/ post natal experience.

Agree with almost everyone else, you sound really nasty. You clearly believe you’re superior to this ‘friend’ and it comes across in every post! She’s better off without you.

Also… why bother posting on AIBU if you’re going to find fault with everyone who thinks you are in fact unreasonable (a clear majority!). Time for some self reflection OP!

This. You come across as very judgy and dare I say it a bit smug. Maybe her dp wasn't an arse until later in the relationship. You sound like feel you are better than her as you are "stronger" and made better choices.

Op I’m with you, you’re a far superior human, fuck her off, be friendless and smug, go for it.

Ignore the posters telling you you are selfish and think you're better, you clearly did loads for her and everyone has a limit.

You don't understand why she had a child with someone she knew wouldn't chip in, why she didn't push for a c section if she wanted one, why she stopped exercising and said you were lucky to do so etc. What I don't understand is why peiple who are approaching the end of their patience don't say something before it gets too late and they snap (and damage the friendship) or distance themselves so they DON'T snap (and also damage the friendship). Why can't you say something like "Joanne you might not realise yoire doing it but you keep telling me I am lucky for so many things. I have been really lucky in life but the constant comparisons are really getting to me, can you please stop?" ?

Another classic:

OP: AIBU?

Majority: Yes

OP: No I'm not! (Lists all the reasons she is not BU!

Ignore the posters telling you you are selfish and think you're better, you clearly did loads for her and everyone has a limit

nah, ignore this poster,

Nothing smug or judgy here 😂😂

I mean yeah feel free to 🤷‍♀️ I'd have considered myself "lucky" to have a friend who cleaned my sick up and came round every day for 10 weeks to help me in my house tbh.

If they have been friends for 15 years the other person deserves the chance to know she is doing something that makes OP want to distance herself instead of the OP just deciding that for both of them.

I think you’re getting a lot of these comments because although I’m willing to bet an overwhelming majority would feel the same as you in your position, but the way it’s written out does sound a little bit smug and “I’m better than her because I make better life choices”. I don’t think you are smug or think you’re better than her, maybe it’s just having it written down sounds a bit bitchy. Only exception is the C section bit - don’t know the full context of what happened but childbirth is terrifying for a lot of people and I can imagine her not feeling able to advocate for herself in the moment, especially with a crap DP.

I would feel really irritated having to listen to all the luck comments too, but I’m not sure what you can really do about it. You can’t very well tell it straight. I wonder if you could say something about finding it a bit upsetting when she keeps calling it lucky when you’ve had to make some difficult choices/sacrifices/hard work for those results, and it wasn’t easy? Though that wouldn’t work for all examples of courses.

do you confide in her things that aren’t going well for you or that you struggle with?

Some people (myself included sadly!) aren’t as good at making good decisions for themselves and it must be frustrating to others around.

Try and remember her comments are likely coming from envy and sadness about how things turn out for her. And maybe step back a bit if you can’t handle.

For what it's worth I think you ABU. I think in her own way she's trying to be supportive back to you like you've been to her and she's doing it in compliments that you're not taking as compliments, you're taking offence at.

Can you have a chat with her about how you feel and explain how she's coming across to you? It might not stop it but if she's not intending to come across as you're taking it she'll at least have had the heads up about it.

I think this is the most annoying point

Our journey to getting pregnant was so different that I'm almost baffled she has the Gaul to say I'm lucky at this point

I have so many things I could say she was 'lucky' about

She was lucky it took her one whole month of TTC instead of 4 years and spending £15k on IVF

But no, I didn't say a word, even though her pregnancy until we had our BFP was so hard for me to handle emotionally. I hid it because that's what good friends do imo.

Which is why this is bothering me so much I think, the first time I have anything she deems easier or better than she has and it's become such a big issue.

@Sometimeswinning

The term baby moon has been in use for decades

If you want more information on it you can always consult google

Actually, I have revised my opinion that YABU and now agree with this poster. OP, you should ditch the traumatised loser and
find yourself some friends who have similarly achieved good births purely by dint of their grit and good judgement. I think that would be best for everyone.

You think I haven't changed some details?

Again, do continue with your utterly irrelevant comments

I'd be pissed off too. But then I've had periods like this with other situations in my life. It grated after a while when a friend or colleague etc spectacularly misses the mark and repeats something constantly.

Youre not being a bitch, you're venting here because it's anonymous and saves you causing her something else to be upset about during a period which is super difficult for her. None of us think our friends are perfect all time. You recognise she's in a bad place and you understand what causes her to say these things (her life choices and elements outside of her control which any of us would freak about).

Being a bitch would be negging her or sharing things with her other friends or family or colleagues etc. Being a bitch would be calling her out on this during a time when she is probably not in as much control over her insensitive and irritating remarks.

I would pull away for a while, hopefully she will turn to the counselling and start healing. It's wonderful to have the sorts of friends who will be there, mop our puke, listen, be that extra stretch of support - but sometimes we have to hit rock bottom alone to begin climbing back upwards and healing.

Well that's my 2 cents anyway.

Thank you

Thank you for this

I might make more of a point to vent about the shit days and see if that stops it

Even if I have to make things up it will be worth it to get out of this rut as you've said, it's hard to keep smiling awkwardly as she says these things and I'm running out of polite responses that aren't repetitive, as she compares every time we meet up and that's 2-3 times a week :(

Who implied that?

I sure didn't

But she sure did

As it's her words not mine around not fighting for it

She has even put in a complaint about her birth and cited that due to being turned down for her section she has had an even worse birth.

I'm not insinuating anything, merely writing what she herself has bloody said - some of you are such hard work on here

How can you change the details that much? It's pretty detail events about a woman. It's pretty specific events. Your continued attitude is awful. She sounds very vulnerable and maybe suffering from post natal depression. You don't care at all about this woman.

What makes you think the friend is nice? There's no evidence to support this claim.

A good friend would sit her down and ask her how she feels, as you think she might be struggling as she seems to be comparing herself and maybe suggest doing something together instead of going on a forum to bitch about her.

Sorry to hear you had this too, I agree it's draining, and 4 weeks after giving birth it's just not what I'm up for constant comparisons

I might need to bite the bullet and say something at some point as she is showing no signs of stopping, I had hoped it would get better once she had started to heal properly and put her compliant in with the hospital - but no

Your friend is clearly in a bad place mentally and shock horror is misusing the word “lucky”.

You sound very unpleasant.

@Cheeseandlobster

What do you mean maybe her DH didn't become a dick until later in the relationship?

He has been a dick since their 4th date