AIBU friend comparing us all the time

[FriendWoes]

I'm not sure if I'm just being a hormonal grump or whether my friend is being unreasonable at this point

NC due to my old account being quite outing

Background -

My best friend of 15 years had her first baby 5 months ago, I had my first baby 4 weeks ago

Since being pregnant she has been low key comparing us and at the time it was awkward but not annoying, it's now getting to me

Examples -

She was very sick in her first trimester, I didn't have any sickness at all - constant comments about it, 'oh you're so lucky, I couldn't even go out in my first trimester' 'I wonder if you'll feel as great in your second trimester since you didn't have a tough first trimester like I did'

Her DH is a bit of a prick (whole other story) and refused to do any SPL, my DH couldn't wait to share the leave and we are doing 50:50 (6months each), after we spoke about that I had weeks of 'oh you're so lucky your DH could take the time off work' (I did at the time think, your DH could also take the time off but refuses to as he thinks his job is more important than yours - he has said that)

She had a pretty shit birth, ok really shit. She asked for a c section and was brushed off, she didn't fight it. Ended up with 4th degree tear, surgery, due to being separated from her DD for ages due to the surgery she wasn't able to establish BF either

I had an elective (as I fought for mine) and was out of hospital in 2 days, and can BF

As you can imagine this has then led to even more comments around my 'luck'

At this point it's annoying me as most of this (except the sickness) isn't luck at all

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

I was close to telling her it's not luck just better life choices when she was yet again going on about how lucky I am that DH does most of the night feeds, and cleans the house.

AIBU to be annoyed at her constant comparing. I understand her journey to parenthood wasn't fun, but I was there mopping her toilet floor when she was sick in the day (as her DH was useless) going to scans - being as supportive as I could, I'm now just getting pissed off about this insinuation that I am lucky when in most of the situations she refers to it's not luck at all. I just did something different, by choice

I think it's just the general tone of your replies OP that is rubbing people up the wrong way - they are quite aggressive and you don't/wont accept those that disagree with you so we all imagine that's the way you are with her in real life and feel sorry for her. From some of your replies I can see you are a good friend but at the same time I'd hate to think any of the friends I confide in and who say all the "right" sympathetic things to my face then run to a public forum to bitch/moan and almost laugh at my life choices

It's disloyal on your part and no amount of mopping up sick during her first trimester would make up for that

If you're her friend, you shouldn't distance yourself. Instead, acknowledge things have been crap for her lately and suggest she starts looking at ways to improve her lot. You should encourage her to stop looking at life as something that happens to her and address her root issues. But don't judge her choices, that's not going to help anyone now.

Hind sight is a wonderful thing.

Do you think you would have fought so hard for a c/s if you hadn't had first hand experience of what your friend went through?

To be honest, you don't really sound like a friend to her at all. If any of my friends were struggling with stuff and I considered them a close/good friend, the last thing I would be doing is stepping away until they get their shit together so we could be friends again.

I think you should be honest with her OP. The resentment will just build otherwise and you'll become more sensitive to comments which probably wouldn't bother you otherwise.

Just think about how you can gently word it (and I say gently because it does sound like you still value the friendship) and next time she says "you're lucky", that can be your window to share your feelings.

Did you say it took 4 years to conceive? How long did it take her? Because you can use this as an example about "luck".

I personally can see why you're irritated and exasperated by it. Your initial post did seem a little arrogant but I don't think that was your intention. It sounds to me that you've just had enough and you've been stewing on it (and the post baby hormones have probably encouraged your stewing tbh!).

@FriendWoes
Tbh if posters haven't been in this situation they can't understand.
I have and do. Totally agree about walking on eggshells. :-(

And next time she says you were lucky to not have morning sickness, you can jokingly say "and weren't you lucky to have a lovely friend coming to your aid every break time"

I can see your point. However she presumably didn't realise she was procreation with a twat until he turned into one! Many men change when dc arrive and not for the better! ,it also seems wrong that pregnant women have to "fights for a caresaen these days.maybe see if there are more mums to be friends with nct and so on.

I think the general consensus here is that yabu to be hearing your lucky and getting annoyed. However you are getting annoyed it's obviously how you feel so address it with her? It bugs me when you keep saying I'm lucky ect or maybe your not getting much out of the friendship anymore so distance yourself?
If you don't say something it's going to piss you off more.

Also in fairness you did say you had changed some of the details to make it less outing - we have no way of knowing if these "changes" are the ones that put you in a more favourable light

Reverse?

I have, she is starting counselling for her birth in a week or so which I helped her find and arrange (as someone needs to look after her baby during the session and her DH won't bloody do it - so I am)

I hope this will be a turning point and I can just slightly withdraw during the early stages, will still help with baby but not meet up as much whilst she is working through with the counsellor.

She didn't want one of those birth debriefs so hopefully this does the trick.

Oh she definitely knew

He has been a twat since their 4th date unfortunately and it was a big point of discussion before she started TTC

She is a real life version of those posters who moan about the shit fathers in their life but admit they were crap beforehand.

I understand what you're saying. I have someone in my life who says "you're so LUCKY you can go on holiday". Feels strange when really, I've worked hard and saved up money to go away.
She has chosen to spend her money on other things such as cigs, booze, going out. There's absolutely nothing stopping her from going on holiday but she doesn't.
It's then pure luck that I can.

I think sometimes people say this because it takes the responsibility away from them.
If it's luck that happens to you, then you don't necessarily have to be responsible for your actions.
By acknowledging that the person has made life choices, adjustments to accommodate what they need etc - it means they also have the choice to do that, so it means them looking at their own choices and accountability.

There are situations where of course people do have a really difficult situation, meaning they don't always have the same choices available to them than what someone else does. But it some circumstances - they do.

When the person in my life tells me how lucky I am time and time again, I'll say something like "it took ages to save up for it. I just tried to cut back on going out for meals etc to save". Etc.

Yeah it took 4 years, multiple losses, spending £15k on IVF and she was a pregnant first month TTC kinda girl - but I'm the lucky one of course

I obviously never say she is lucky for that but I just wish the same applied from her end.

This is spot on

Yeah maybe if you haven't had this it's hard to understand how draining it is, having to rebuff kindly the comments whilst also feeling like you're walking on eggshells with every conversation.

I'm sorry you've been through this too

@FriendWoes That's it, it IS so very draining, trying not to 'react' seemed to cause me to be snappy with close family, due to burying feelings of wanting to lash back. :-(

Bloody hell op I gave birth many moons ago. I couldn’t choose whether to have a caesarean. Unfortunately the anaesthetist got called to an emergency and guess what? That meant I could not have a caesarean and had to suffer an extremely traumatic birth. I do take exception to the thought people like you think that is my fault. How very kind.
I would stop answering her texts. Cool the relationship if this is how you feel.

I chose not to procreate with a twat, I chose to fight for my c section and so many other things she things I'm lucky for.

Smuggy mcSmuggerson

For the 9millionth time

I've posted what she has said

She thinks the birth is her fault for not fighting for a section

Christ alive would some people just read properly before posting - is that too much to ask

Hardly smug but if this makes you feel better on a Sunday morning crack on

It is smug. It is worded as if you are cleverer than her, more savvy than her, more confident to ask for what you want than her.

The woman is probably broken. Horrendous morning sickness and then a severely traumatic birth (which if you have never had one you will NEVER understand how horrific it can be) and throw a wanker for a father jnto the mix. No wonder she compares your experience and hers! Maybe she is looking for validation, someone to talk about it with, try to make you understand that she is struggling and just because you sailed through it doesn’t mean she did. She wants to be heard and God know if her husband is a prick, she is not being heard there either. CUt her some slack.

Oh I hear her

I've been the sounding board for her relationship troubles for 11 years (nearly 12) and for her pregnancy based woes since she was 3 weeks pregnant.

If you want to jump to conclusions and judge based on your own warped view of reality go ahead

I just won't respect your opinion as it's based on your own assumptions, not on reality. Thankfully many people on this thread have understood my post just fine and given constructive feedback.

Enjoy your Sunday

It's just such a drama for no reason.

99% of things in life are partly luck and partly down to your own actions. Everyone knows that.

You're reading too much into the turn of phrase, and even if you weren't honestly why waste your energy caring?

You know yourself and your life. Who cares if someone else thinks you just got lucky? So what?