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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why "it's the man's job" to drive?

214 replies

FromDespairToHere · 14/09/2022 14:52

DP and I went away last week. Bit of a road trip with a couple of stops for a few nights in each. About 5 hours drive to first place, 2 hours to the second place then 4 hours home.

We went in his car because it's bigger than mine but shared the driving so overall about 55/45 him/me. Back in work this week and talking to two different women who have done similar holidays over the last couple of weeks and they were aghast that I'd done so much driving. Both do drive but one did about an hour total and the other not at all. When I asked why both of them separately gave the above answer: "it's the man's job."

AIBU to not understand that? Why should my poor DP have to be the one who is alert all the time while I am chauffeured? Our way we each got the chance for a little snoozle while the other one drove.

OP posts:
DilemmaDelilah · 15/09/2022 00:27

When I got together with my husband 16 years ago he took charge of all the driving and basically I didn't get the opportunity to drive for over 15 years. Then he developed a condition which affected his eyesight and he wasn't allowed to drive... Suddenly I had to do all the driving and I felt like I had only just passed my test! If any of you are in the same position I strongly recommend that you start doing some of the driving again.... You never know when you are going to need to do it.

Aussiegirl123456 · 15/09/2022 02:02

I like being chauffeured at any opportunity as I like watching the scenery. And I’m lazy.
I also love driving. I drove for years around Australia towing a 23’ caravan, I probably drove more during that time than my husband, I’d estimate a 60-40 split. But right now, if he’s happy to drive then I’m a happy passenger.

ClottedCreamAndStrawberries · 15/09/2022 04:33

Totally know what you mean. MiL and her husband (DH’s stepdad) ‘share’ the driving. This involves him driving to the pub and her driving home so he can get pissed. This happens every time without fail. And…when they go on longer trips, without fail he always drives her car. We’re convinced it’s so he keeps the mileage down on his car and doesn’t have to pay the fuel. Lastly, only ‘The Important Man’ ever gets to park on the driveway, she always has to park on the street.

We’re not overly keen on him and hate how he treats her but she seems to be fine with it 🤷‍♀️

gemsgv · 15/09/2022 18:39

Lots of women don't like to drive on unfamiliar roads

RampantIvy · 15/09/2022 19:46

gemsgv · 15/09/2022 18:39

Lots of women don't like to drive on unfamiliar roads

Lots of men don't either. It shouldn't be just a woman thing. I get irritated at this stereotyping of women being too scared to drive because men are better at it.

AffIt · 15/09/2022 19:46

gemsgv · 15/09/2022 18:39

Lots of women don't like to drive on unfamiliar roads

Presumably, neither do a lot of / some men, and lots of women couldn't give a shit and just get in the car and go to where they're going, because that's how driving works.

There are times when I genuinely think MN is some kind of parallel universe, because I have never met women who think this way in real life.

Champagneforeveryone · 15/09/2022 19:56

Is it perhaps an age thing? I normally drive rather than DH and DM is always very complimentary of my independence.

In fact we've just moved house and hired a large van with a tail lift. I was the only one insured to drive it as DH was at work for part of the hire period and it cost extra to add him on. We were also only driving a few miles so genuinely saw no point. Again DM was in awe and there was much "you go girl" type comments 🙄

I refrained from pointing out that you don't drive with a penis because it sounded unnecessarily shitty, but it's hard not to be judgmental about the attitude.

GreenManalishi · 15/09/2022 19:58

People who believe this are hungover from a time not very long ago when a lot of women didn't drive, let alone own a car.

EgonSpengler2020 · 15/09/2022 20:04

My DH does all the driving when we are in the car together.

Orginally got in to that habit as I was working full time as a paramedic including night shifts when we met, and couldn't be arsed driving on my days off if I didn't have to particulaly when I had come off nights. These days I no longer work nights (yeh me!!), but still drive to and from work and at work, DH WFH so would barely drive at all and get out of practice if he didn't drive us round on the weekend.

Nothing sexist, all practical. I'm clearly the more advanced and experienced driver.

DontKeepTheFaith · 15/09/2022 20:09

I do 90% of the driving because dh isn’t a confident driver and I like it.

Never had any comments about it🤷‍♀️

Aria999 · 15/09/2022 20:11

Stroopwaffle5000 · 14/09/2022 14:54

I do all the driving because I quite like to drive and OH doesn't. He'll only drive if I've had a drink. My best friend and her husband are the same.

Same with us.

BigFatLiar · 15/09/2022 20:16

It's just whatever works for you.

On mumsnet if you post that your partner wants to do the driving he's a sexist pig, if you post that he prefers you to drive he's a sexist pig

shinynewapple22 · 15/09/2022 20:17

I've not really considered it like that - I suppose back in time it was thought of like that .

Having said that I admit that my DH does do the majority of the driving when we go away. We are quite different in that he enjoys long distance driving and motorways whereas I hate it, but I have patience to sit in traffic jams and he doesn't.

If I go away by myself or with friends I would tend to travel by public transport although I'm quite happy driving around locally (unless it's an evening out then it's most definitely a taxi)

JudgeJ · 15/09/2022 20:31

When we made long trips we used to split the driving so that I did all the twisty roads or through towns and he did the boring motorway slogs, Whenever we picked up a hire car in the US I always drove it first, usually from the airport to find our hotel then he would take it once we were on the long straight roads!
If we had to be somewhere in a hurry I would always drive, my right foot's the heaviest!

catandcoffee · 15/09/2022 20:35

Nope not an age thing. I'm there age and nearly always drive my Husband. He drives for a living and enjoys being chauffeured 😁

Superbabe64 · 15/09/2022 20:46

Not in our house...husband loves being driven and when on long road trips we share all the driving

Clevs · 15/09/2022 20:48

We share it 50:50 if it's a long journey. If it's not that long then one of us will drive there and the other one drive back.

One thing I have noticed as we go camping a lot (have owned camper vans, a caravan and a motorhome in recent years) is that it's always the men driving and towing, then they have to set the vehicle up when they arrive on the campsite, fetch the water, put the awning up etc. The women just stand and watch Confused Particularly when we had the motorhome people seemed astounded that I'd drive such a big vehicle.

The first time we went camping in France I was the first one to drive off the ferry because I'd driven on the right before but my husband hadn't.

RampantIvy · 15/09/2022 21:17

DH hates driving. I mean he really, really loathes driving. He hardly ever drives these days. I have to force him to get behind the wheel, and remind him that he will forget how to drive as he so rarely drives.

He will share a long motorway drive, but won't/can't drive anywhere he is unfamiliar with, so if we go out for a day trip on lotf of different roads I have to drive, or we stay home.

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 15/09/2022 21:22

The women were aghast? What era in time are they from? The first half of the 20th century? Where many women didn't drive/couldn't drive/weren't allowed to drive? Confused LOADS of women I know do more driving than their man.

I don't drive much on long haul trips, but some women I know do...

When me and DH go on long trips, he does 80% of the driving, because he wants to, and because I absolutely do NOT mind. I am not a fan of long haul driving trips. BUT it's good that I can drive because I can take over if DH gets tired or weary.

I do more driving day to day/week to week. eg, I do more of the shopping and general popping out for stuff, and I go out to see DD, my friends, and my family a lot more than DH does (with his friends/extended family.) And he never goes to see DD on his own. Only ever with me. (Or he sees her when she visits us obvs.) I also have more hobbies than him, and go swimming, etc etc... So overall, I use the car more. Been driving over 25 years now, and can't imagine not being able to. It brings SO much freedom and independence.

I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who can't drive. I would HATE to always be the designated driver. If DH suddenly couldn't drive, then I would adapt of course, (as I'd have to.) But if I was on the lookout for a man (if I ever was again) I would be avoiding non drivers.

JaneDoe222 · 15/09/2022 21:27

It most certainly isn’t the man’s job in our household. Who drives depends on whose car we are taking. If it’s my car, I drive. If it’s DP’s (inferior) car, he drives.

TestingTestingWonTooFree · 15/09/2022 21:32

My parents are quite traditional on gender roles but split driving equally. DH is a terrible passenger whereas I can relax and read so I rarely drive him.

Violinist64 · 15/09/2022 21:41

I drive but only locally and I do it because I have to not because I really enjoy it. My husband, on the other hand, likes driving and is happy to do it? Ideal compromise - he prefers to drive and l prefer being a passenger. It works for us. On the other hand, my sister does far more long distance driving than her husband so she is usually the driver and he is usually the passenger. We are all perfectly happy about it.

LisaVanderpumpsRoseWine · 15/09/2022 21:46

Ex used to insist that he drive all the time and while I appeared to like it at the time, looking back it resulted in me feeling very deskilled and a bit anxious whenever I did have to drive on my own. Nowadays DP and I are happy to split it depending on who seems to know the route best or who most feels like it on the day.

SarahAndQuack · 15/09/2022 21:46

I used always to be the driver as my ex-husband didn't have a UK licence (he could drive at home). When I met my DP I didn't own a car any more, so it was natural for me not to drive. It felt very luxurious, and at some point much later when we'd long since moved in together and had a car in common, I realised I was still assuming I got to be driven places. I don't know that it's a 'man's job' thing - and I'd certainly never say so, because it makes you sound like a sexist idiot. But I do think it's easy to fall into the habit of passing someone else the keys so you can sit back.

Ffsmakeitstop · 15/09/2022 21:49

I love driving DH can't be arsed much any more but he will if I ask him to.
When we used to go to Cornwall from Leeds we would share the journey down and back and I would drive most of the time we were there suited me fine.
He used to tell the kids that I knew my way about down there better than at home. I think it helps that I don't worry if I get lost just keep going until I work out where I'm supposed to be.