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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To wonder why "it's the man's job" to drive?

214 replies

FromDespairToHere · 14/09/2022 14:52

DP and I went away last week. Bit of a road trip with a couple of stops for a few nights in each. About 5 hours drive to first place, 2 hours to the second place then 4 hours home.

We went in his car because it's bigger than mine but shared the driving so overall about 55/45 him/me. Back in work this week and talking to two different women who have done similar holidays over the last couple of weeks and they were aghast that I'd done so much driving. Both do drive but one did about an hour total and the other not at all. When I asked why both of them separately gave the above answer: "it's the man's job."

AIBU to not understand that? Why should my poor DP have to be the one who is alert all the time while I am chauffeured? Our way we each got the chance for a little snoozle while the other one drove.

OP posts:
Cyclebabble · 14/09/2022 15:44

Think it varies. Lots of couples share evenly. Some women do seem to like to be chauffeured though.

Fififelix · 14/09/2022 15:51

We do 50/50 on long drives.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/09/2022 15:53

My husband doesn't drive so we'd be going nowhere if it was 'his job'.

Lunar270 · 14/09/2022 15:57

I drive mostly as my wife drinks like a fish 😂. I swear it was one of the reasons we married as we never have the argument about who's turn it is.

Long journeys are different though. I'd say I still do most but she does her bit. It's nice now my eldest is driving though as she too can chip in.

hellcatspangle · 14/09/2022 15:57

Mine does just because he enjoys driving and I don't particularly, I find motorway driving really boring.

DappledThings · 14/09/2022 15:57

My mum is 74, my dad 70 and they still equally split any long drives. Same with PIL.

Both of us prefer driving to being a passenger so we split it as equally as possible.

Some jobs we don't share. He does all cooking/shopping/planning, I do all laundry for instance. But there's no safety aspect to that. One person doing all of any long drive increases the risk of an accident. Crazy not to split it is you can both drive.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 14/09/2022 15:58

And YABU to take the opinions of two women you work with and extrapolate that out to mean everyone.

SwimmingOnEggshells · 14/09/2022 15:58

My husband is a better driver than me so he drives. Suits us fine.

What I don't understand are couples/families where the wife/women drives a shitty little runaround and the husband gets a fancy BMW or similar. Sexist or what! I drive the nicer car in our house.

RampantIvy · 14/09/2022 15:59

Sadly, I know far too many couples where both could drive but the man insisted on doing all the motorway/long distance drives, then when the husband died or became ill the wife was unable to drive anywhere that wasn't local.

DH insisted that I shared the driving, and now that he has memory issues due to a stroke it's a good job he did.

I do 99% of the driving these days.

Velvian · 14/09/2022 16:01

I think the man doing most of the driving and the woman 'hating' or not feeling confident to drive is quite insidious.

That hasn't happened by accident. It is on the same spectrum as women not being permitted to drive in other parts of the world.

DH was a 'bad passenger' 'preferred to drive' and got the piss taken out of him by his family when I drove us places, but I was not having it. I drive at least 50%. I enjoy driving and I'm a better driver.

It is a control thing

Zingy123 · 14/09/2022 16:01

Not in my house. I've always been the main driver.

RampantIvy · 14/09/2022 16:01

My husband is a better driver than me so he drives. Suits us fine.

But that is because he drives more often than you do. Maybe if you drove more often you would gain more confidence and be a better driver.

RoseslnTheHospital · 14/09/2022 16:03

It's obviously not a man's job to drive. So there's nothing to understand or not understand about it. They are simply wrong and repeating outdated and sexist ideas. Whether that's come from them refusing to drive or from their male partners refusing to let them drive.

5128gap · 14/09/2022 16:04

Almost all couples I know, regardless of age, the man generally drives. I don't feel even slightly sorry for the 'poor DPs' doing all the driving, because its invariably their choice.
Men typically are keener on driving than women and generally consider themselves much better at it, and make sure women know this. I'm sure if they didn't want to drive, much like most activities, the women would be doing more of it. Like they so often seem to when alcohol is part of the outing.
The only downside to me is that I think women are generally the better more considerate drivers, so its a pity they're outnumbered on the roads

SwimmingOnEggshells · 14/09/2022 16:04

@RampantIvy quite the contrary, I drive loads! I've a 30km commute to work and I do that x 3 a week. My husband should really have been a pilot or something, honestly he's cool as a cucumber when he drives, rarely does stupid things etc., got his license in one go at 17. It took me three times to get it.

I'm a bit of a hothead and like to chill if we're going long distances.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2022 16:04

Have you ever watched men getting picked up at a train station at leave 70% of the time the Mrs who's driven to the station gets out into the passenger seat and Mr drives home.

I would not be having that!

I also judge very severely when a man drives on the way to a party and expects his wife / partner to drive back, as he wants a drink. No, if I’m driving back, I’m driving there as well (was my rule when I was married!).

My other thing was that when I was pregnant that did not mean I was doing all of the late evening drives home - I was too tired to drive safely at that time of night. Generally (when not pregnant, otherwise unusually tired or having a drink!) I prefer to be the driver though.

AryaStarkWolf · 14/09/2022 16:04

My DH really likes to drive, I drive a lot in normal life but if we're going anywhere together he drives, just because he likes driving and honestly I like to have some time off driving and being able to look around properly so it suits us that way. I do offer if it's a long drive but he prefers to drive himself.

GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 14/09/2022 16:07

I think the man doing most of the driving and the woman 'hating' or not feeling confident to drive is quite insidious.

That hasn't happened by accident. It is on the same spectrum as women not being permitted to drive in other parts of the world.

DH was a 'bad passenger' 'preferred to drive' and got the piss taken out of him by his family when I drove us places, but I was not having it. I drive at least 50%. I enjoy driving and I'm a better driver.

It is a control thing

All this too.

SwimmingOnEggshells · 14/09/2022 16:07

@GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing oh I wouldn't be having any of that either! how ridiculous.

also agree re. the having a drink thing, my husband always lets me have a drink and he drives. He's a keeper.

TeaMoreToast · 14/09/2022 16:08

I share the driving but quite happy for DP to do it if he wants. He sometimes gets in a weird 'I'm the man and must drive' mood. I think it's passed down to him from his DPs, who are of the generation where typically the DH does the driving (his DM would never drive when his DF is around).

Of course he doesn't seem so keen on doing the driving if we're out socially and drinks are involved.

SwimmingOnEggshells · 14/09/2022 16:08

There are definitely men who see it as emasculating, not all mind. There are good 'uns out there too.

MuggleMe · 14/09/2022 16:09

I don't enjoy driving particularly and get achey but I still do my share, not exactly half but at least 1.5-2 hours on 3.5-4.5 hour trips.

G5000 · 14/09/2022 16:09

Neither of us likes to drive if we don't have to, so we share about 50-50. But DH usually drives when we go out as I like my drink more than he does.

What I always wonder about is that in good 90% of the families, the man has the newer bigger better 'family' car that he uses to drive himself to work, while the wife tries to stuff kids, dogs and shopping into an old Nissan Micra..

BashfulClam · 14/09/2022 16:09

I dint like driving, my husband stresses me out as he’s not a good passenger so it ends up being up to him ti drive.

WowStarsWow · 14/09/2022 16:09

orangeisthenewpuce · 14/09/2022 15:43

Because those women can't be arsed to drive and will eventually lose their nerve. Will start off by no longer driving on motorways. Then will only drive to places they when know the way. Then will refuse to drive saying they are too scared and expect lifts from everyone. PITAs. I love driving and we often take it in turns to do the whole of long journeys. We don't drive each other's cars.

This! This is the reason why I was at a wedding this year talking to a group of my friends and they all (about 4 of them) said they don’t like driving. I can’t believe so many people at the start of this thread are disagreeing with the OP. Of course it’s a thing!

I didn’t agree with my friends (aged between 29-40 btw!) but I’m the only one to drive every day to work, and obviously if you don’t drive much you’re going to dislike it.

Annoyingly, even though we have a big estate car my 6’ husband finds it cramped in the passenger seat due to the baby’s seat behind (our older DC sits behind the driver) so he does do most of the weekend driving at the moment. That won’t be forever though!