DH wanking / lying

[ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit]

Don't know what to make of this.

DH and I have had a non-existent sex life for many years. I want to have sex with him, he says he wants to with me but never initiates and avoids it if I try to.

This has been an issue even before we married. We had sexual counselling prior to marriage but it didn't make any difference long term. When he proposed, I told him I didn't want a life without sex and that I would only marry him if he promised me he would always work on improving the issue. He promised he would but has done nothing since to try to improve things. He has no answer as to why he doesn't try anything on with me sexually.

This morning he went to the toilet and took his phone with him. I was in the bedroom. The Bluetooth speaker in the bedroom suddenly connected to his phone and for about 10 mins the speaker was on and off connecting to his phone, so I heard the porn he was watching and obviously wanking to.

He comes out after a while and asks me if I'm okay. I say no, it wasn't enjoyable to hear the porn you were wanking to. He gets very defensive and denies and I can see in his face he is lying.

I hate that he's lying to me and sticking to the lie even though he can tell I know exactly what he was doing. I'm upset that even though he swears blind he still fancies me, he shows no interest in any sexual contact with me but obviously is not asexual if he's wanking to porn. I was not busy so we could have had sex if he was feeling in the mood. I'm not bothered that he wanks, just that he clearly would rather do that than come anywhere near me, and that he's disrespecting me by lying about it.

What do I do? I don't want a sexless life and I fancy him, he just seems not to fancy me and has done nothing to improve the situation.

Yes I think he would be wanking privately even if no phone/porn

No, I think you sound unhinged because you’ve asked me if I’m in porn and said I ‘keep trying to shut you down’, when I have done nothing of the kind. I’m not upset and nobody has attempted to bully you.

I think you should read my comment again. It wasn’t directed at you.

I do have to agree that having porn immediately available is a bit like heroin when you got intimacy issues.

Hi.

Sorry to hear about your issues. I think that him telling you that he is feeling inadequate is a big step. I can see how he could feel inadequate if he has had performance issues in the past (unable to finish in you) and the process of IVF could have reinforced it. I think that could be really demasculinating and I think this has created a big block for him about having sex. If you are not having sex it probably feels like it is on a pedestal and he may feel that you aren't interested too thus turning to a sneaky toilet wank every now and again. I think you really need to initiate sexual intimacy in other ways apart from full sex to build his confidence again - maybe use some porn just to break the ice with him - maybe masturabate together with no pressure. Be loving and reassuring reminding him you are a sexual being too. Maybe some more sex therapy might help but for me it could just put more pressure on the deed for him. It sounds like you have a good relationship in all other areas, try really taking his hand and leading in this area for a while.

Hi OP,
I’m really sorry you are going through this as well.
I don’t want to hijack your thread, but please let me reassure you that you are not alone, and all your feelings are valid. The rejection, the mind fuckery, the total oblivion to how much it hurts you..I’m with you.
I genuinely cannot see how your DH (or mine) can see how something is so upsetting to their wife and despite numerous conversations about it, still do nothing to remedy the situation.

Like you, my DH is great in every other way and shows his love through doing things. Just not this, which I need. All our intimacy is gone - no longer kissing, just me lying against him when we watch TV. It’s like living with your best friend.

I have given my DH 6 months to sort (or at least attempt to) himself and his issues out or else he will is out. I love him dearly but I cannot live like this.

Best of luck to you x

And I think the porn thing is a bit of red herring. Yes, it makes it easier and quicker with less brain power required, but I really think a lot bathroom wanking is down to habit, feeling nice, because they want a quick release, because they want to etc..
Basically with or without porn I think my DH has bathroom wanks. No addiction. I suspect the same is true with the OP’s husband.

Thanks Federal. Really sorry you're in the same boat 😞 Did you tell your DH about the deadline or is it just the timescale you're keeping to for yourself?

Might he be a porn addict?

This sounds like you are really starting to get somewhere in terms of deciding what is and what isn’t acceptable to you moving forward.

even if his reasoning today is true he still should’ve made some effort in the PREVIOUS 9 YEARS to power through his self esteem issues and learn how to make you happy (good sex being a partnership an ‘all) especially seeing as he had some specifics of his own that you were willing to work with (eg finishing by hand) - he should’ve been open to finding similar ways to make things work for you.

Anyway, for whatever reason (and you may never know) he’s made you feel lonely, rejected and unattractive and even though he’s aware of your feelings he’s been unwilling (or unable) to do anything about it.

I’d personally rather have no sex because I was single than have no sex and sleep next to my partner night after night feeling that sadness of something missing (although if he lost his dick in an industrial accident or something I would obvs try and be understanding about that 🫢)

Leaving sex aside for a minute, what else is important to you that you aren’t getting? With two small children do you have a social life? Are you feeling fulfilled? Time for hobbies or gym or whatever?

Because perhaps if you start out by fixing some of the smaller things that are holding you back, you might find it give you enough of a confidence boost and expanded social network that you feel able to end this marriage?

He is well aware of the time limit. I’m not sure if he truly believes I’ll make him leave, but I will. He has left my self-esteem in shatters. I’ve put on about 4 stone since we met and although he says the same as your DH in that he finds me attractive, the lack of intimacy obviously has me doubting my appearance.
Sometimes I sleep on the sofa or with the kids as I feel less lonely on my own than lying next to him. I’ve given up waiting for his touch now. The constant hopefulness of being desired is too sad.

You really need to think about what this is doing to yourself and whether you can live with this situation for ever.

It is so hard when they are so good in every way and no one sees what actually goes on. I have had so many battles with myself about whether what I have is worth losing my soulmate and family life over this issue. ‘Hey kids, I’m splitting up the family because your dad won’t fuck me’ doesn’t exactly make me sound like mother of the year, but probably like you, I feel betrayed as this is certainly not what I signed up for when I walked down that aisle. And the feelings it causes is certainly like the feelings that are the result of emotional abuse.

Just out of interest @ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit how is your DH with planning dates, romantic meals in, special time for yourselves?
And is he a bit of a narcissist? Not like a proper one, but with narcissistic traits? My DH is a bit and I just wondered if it was all linked.
Please keep positive x

Op - I'll confess not read thread to end

When he says he is afraid he won't satisfy you....has he managed to before ? Does he bring you to an orgasm is any way ?

Is he worried about the size or shape of his penis ?

I'd ask him what he means by that .

Fwiw I was you for 25 years.
Now I'm alone but at least I know it .

You have misunderstood.

OP met this man with issues right from the start so in this situation what OP is in I'm not sure why you continuously speak upon porn what I said was in relation to another poster comment.

Do you not think its odd OP didn't have sex to conceive her own DC???

Not been rude but I don't think I have ever read that one and I'm still shocked...... I was expecting OP to say they have sex to have the kids at least.

It's been like this for 9 years.......

OP, if you want to remain with your husband and appreciate the family life you already have, then the only honest thing is to admit that you can’t have any sexual life with him. Ever. Porn, wanking, ED, shyness, trauma, whether he’s a closeted gay or not, his excuses or promises that maybe, someday, in another life etc. really don’t matter, since the outcome is always the same. What he says doesn’t matter, because he wasn’t and won’t be honest with you about anything regarding sex. Ever. Stop waiting for news from him or hoping for changes or wasting money on useless counseling. This is a closed chapter, a door that was closed for you since the beginning. If you understand this, you can have peace of mind and regain confidence in yourself.
But if you want to feel desired and loved as a woman, find another man. Early 40s is very young and I’m sure that you are really attractive. Just imagine yourself after another 10 years, caught in the same sexless life, only less attractive and more frustrated and resentful.
Both these options are open for you. Neither is wrong - only you know what’s best for you. Just stop wasting time trying to believe that your husband can change (or worse, that YOU have to do something to get him interested in having sex with you, or that it’s YOUR responsibility to make him change - no, it’s not!).

This with bells on!!

You're basing too much on what your DH says or admits to rather than believing his actions and failure to follow through. It's an excuse ("I didn't think I could satisfy you") and a crap one at that as he knows the answer is to communicate and to sexually experiment and try, IF he loved you and if he was bothered. He knows it's important to you and he isn't bothered.

You deserve a sex life. He can't and won't and doesn't want to have that with you. I doubt he wants that with anyone but that's irrelevant.

Do you otherwise love him to bits. and want your life with him until you're both in your 80 -90s year? Or does that make you feel slightly odd and uncomfortable like you settled down a husband who isn't right for you?

As you could have an affair or an open marriage where you don't sleep with your DH

Or you could start to get your ducks in a row to divorce this man and throw him back, so that you can find you a better partner who makes you feel good about yourself, not bad, and one that sparks joy and becomes a step dad to your DCs who see you happy in a relationship. Don't be that parent that makes themselves miserable staying for the DCs whilst simultaneously messing up your DCs for future relationships

Hi @ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit .
how are you getting on? Hope you are coping ok.
Just thought I would update you on my scenario.
Well, I’ve told my DH 2 weeks ago it is over. My heart is still shattered, but strangely I feel a little stronger.
The more I thought about it, the more his lack of affection hurt. The way he didn’t do anything about it, didn’t seek counselling, didn’t try to fix things and make me feel better or like I valued.
I realised how much he took from me. All of my self esteem and confidence and the voices of my childhood of me being too fat/stupid/ugly cake back.
We are still living together and pretending everything is ok until after Xmas but the more I look at him, the angrier he feel. I didn’t sign up for this in my vows.

I really, really feel for you OP
But you really need to leave.