DH wanking / lying

[ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit]

Don't know what to make of this.

DH and I have had a non-existent sex life for many years. I want to have sex with him, he says he wants to with me but never initiates and avoids it if I try to.

This has been an issue even before we married. We had sexual counselling prior to marriage but it didn't make any difference long term. When he proposed, I told him I didn't want a life without sex and that I would only marry him if he promised me he would always work on improving the issue. He promised he would but has done nothing since to try to improve things. He has no answer as to why he doesn't try anything on with me sexually.

This morning he went to the toilet and took his phone with him. I was in the bedroom. The Bluetooth speaker in the bedroom suddenly connected to his phone and for about 10 mins the speaker was on and off connecting to his phone, so I heard the porn he was watching and obviously wanking to.

He comes out after a while and asks me if I'm okay. I say no, it wasn't enjoyable to hear the porn you were wanking to. He gets very defensive and denies and I can see in his face he is lying.

I hate that he's lying to me and sticking to the lie even though he can tell I know exactly what he was doing. I'm upset that even though he swears blind he still fancies me, he shows no interest in any sexual contact with me but obviously is not asexual if he's wanking to porn. I was not busy so we could have had sex if he was feeling in the mood. I'm not bothered that he wanks, just that he clearly would rather do that than come anywhere near me, and that he's disrespecting me by lying about it.

What do I do? I don't want a sexless life and I fancy him, he just seems not to fancy me and has done nothing to improve the situation.

That's not what asexuality is.

OP, you've had numerous chats and counselling and he's made promises which he's now broken. It's not going to be made better and he's not going to be more honest in yet another conversation.

You have to decide if you can live in a sexless marriage. If you can't then it's est for your own sanity to split up.

Why are you confused? It was perfectly clear.

I have nothing to give OP but have been in a similar situation and it really really sucks. I'm sorry your going through this

Far from clear! Not just @tiktokontheclock thats confused.

had assumed it was a typo…but I’m in a lot of suspense here…

what is an ‘ons’ if not a typo???

Thank you 🙏🏻 It is really hard thinking whether to throw away everything we've built

ONS = one night stand

good lord.. watching porn does not mean he's addicted to it.. asexual people are perfectly capable of getting the physical urge to achieve orgasm, its a natural thing for the body, they're also perfectly capable of watching porn to help achieve that end.
However, all that doesn't change the fact someone who is asexual doesn't want to have sex WITH someone, even if they're deeply in love with them.

The fact this has been ongoing, i would pin this more on him being asexual than a porn addict suffering a dysfunction.

🙏

Thank you for this.

If he were asexual, I think it would make it much easier for me to live with. It would certainly help me drop the feeling of shame I carry for not being sexually attractive to my partner. And in that case, given how amazing our life is otherwise, I think I could live without sex. But he insists he finds me sexually attractive, so I feel left in a kind of purgatory, hoping one day things will improve. Would solo counselling (i.e. for him) help him work out if he's asexual or not?

ons is one night stand ... not a typo

Today's event is a red herring really. In fact I feel a bit sorry for him, can't think much more embarrassing than your phone playing your porn out someone else's speaker. But he couldn't even bring himself to have sex when ttc? Even closeted gay men living secret lives can manage that. He isn't interested in sex with you in any way, shape or form and never will be. Make your decision knowing that.

ons - one night stand

But he insists he finds me sexually attractive

I don't mean to be cruel, but he is lying. This is no reflection on you or your appearance, but he isn't interested. Surely you must realise that a using a pot and a syringe to conceive is extremely unusual and indicates a severe issue.

Yes you're right, today's event just brought it to a head (again).

I do see that all the evidence - other than his words - points in one direction: that he did not, does not and will not want to have sex with me.

I suppose then my AIBU is:

Am I BU to expect my DH to tell me that he does not want - for whatever reason- to have a sex life with me? So that I can base any decision about my future on that confirmed fact, rather than making my decision in spite of him insisting on something which just isn't back up by the evidence?

No, it's not cruel at all. It's the brutal honesty I expected and wanted from posting on AIBU.

I know I am objectively attractive: I have no doubt about that. But I also know that sexual attraction often has nothing to do with what society deems acceptable as far as looks go. I just want honesty

Basically you’re describing an “asexual” as a person with serious intimacy issues.

If you have sexual desires and feel the need to masturbate or watch porn you are not asexual, Sexuality is still pretty much part of you, sharing it with another human being is “too much of a big deal”, that’s called “intimacy issues”.

I love how woke we’ve become that we have all these cool terms nowadays for all sorts of dysfunctions.

Asexual people are not some giant mass. Asexuality just means that you're not sexually attracted to anyone. It has nothing to do with libido, watching porn or whether we want to have sex with someone. Some asexual people enjoy the act of sex, some don't. Some asexual people masturbate, some don't. etc.

In the same way that heterosexual people have different libidos, different porn habits and vary in how much sex they have/don't have.

There’s a big difference between masturbating and having sex with another person.

There could be a million reasons why he’s feels more comfortable masturbating than having sex but ultimately it sounds like you’ve tried everything and nothing is changing.

So now you need to decide whether you want to stay in a sexless marriage which is otherwise great.
Or move on.

He also may not be addicted to porn. He may just be using occasionally because he does not want sex with his wife. Only he knows the truth. The problem is he refuses to tell the truth which leaves the poor poster in the dark. He needs man up and be honest so she can make an informed choice about the direction of her life

You can try to analyse him and find excuses but you're wasting your time. You come this way but once OP, don't waste your precious time on someone who's not all in.

You said his testosterone is at the lower end of normal. Do you remember the level ?

www.guidelinesinpractice.co.uk/mens-health/testosterone-deficiency-treat-men-who-have-bothersome-symptoms/454121.article

The NHS usually won’t treat unless under 8, but the guidelines are actually between 8-12 if symptomatic

Am I BU to expect my DH to tell me that he does not want - for whatever reason- to have a sex life with me?

Of course you're being unreasonable, you already know this. Your husband is incapable of being honest about whatever issues he has, he just keeps telling you what he thinks you want to hear, whatever it takes to keep you hanging on, and you keep going along with it.

The reality of your relationship has been staring you in the face from the very beginning, you just ignored it.

I would expect the person I was married to to be totally honest with me and not string me along for years on end. Even if it means the end of the marriage. Refusing to address the truth would result in me being off! Lying shows no respect for you at all.

Have you read the OP? Without causing offence Asexual IS an issue within a relationship unless both people have matched libido, lack of sex drive/libido come hand in hand do they not surely?

Sexual attraction is very normal but not to have this..... well its not the norm.

Your confusing a low sex drive with zero libido it's not an equal comparison.

He has been telling you right from the start that he doesn't want to have sex with you by not having sex with you. His actions have spoken volumes but I'm afraid you just have listened.