DH wanking / lying

[ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit]

Don't know what to make of this.

DH and I have had a non-existent sex life for many years. I want to have sex with him, he says he wants to with me but never initiates and avoids it if I try to.

This has been an issue even before we married. We had sexual counselling prior to marriage but it didn't make any difference long term. When he proposed, I told him I didn't want a life without sex and that I would only marry him if he promised me he would always work on improving the issue. He promised he would but has done nothing since to try to improve things. He has no answer as to why he doesn't try anything on with me sexually.

This morning he went to the toilet and took his phone with him. I was in the bedroom. The Bluetooth speaker in the bedroom suddenly connected to his phone and for about 10 mins the speaker was on and off connecting to his phone, so I heard the porn he was watching and obviously wanking to.

He comes out after a while and asks me if I'm okay. I say no, it wasn't enjoyable to hear the porn you were wanking to. He gets very defensive and denies and I can see in his face he is lying.

I hate that he's lying to me and sticking to the lie even though he can tell I know exactly what he was doing. I'm upset that even though he swears blind he still fancies me, he shows no interest in any sexual contact with me but obviously is not asexual if he's wanking to porn. I was not busy so we could have had sex if he was feeling in the mood. I'm not bothered that he wanks, just that he clearly would rather do that than come anywhere near me, and that he's disrespecting me by lying about it.

What do I do? I don't want a sexless life and I fancy him, he just seems not to fancy me and has done nothing to improve the situation.

Sounds like he could have a porn addiction which is destroying real intimacy. Either he is (embarrassed though he may be) willing to talk, really talk or you have to leave. You can’t fix this. It’s not you, it’s him.

I never said it wasn't, my previous post said

OP, you've had numerous chats and counselling and he's made promises which he's now broken. It's not going to be made better and he's not going to be more honest in yet another conversation.
You have to decide if you can live in a sexless marriage. If you can't then it's best for your own sanity to split up.

I was just trying to protest that asexual automatically meant celibate.

Gosh. You married him on condition that you not have a sexless marriage, but you didn't hold him to it. Instead you had children, via IVF - was that purely because he wouldn't have sex with you? (If so, wee clue there!) Thereby tying yourself more tightly to him.

I summarise because I too think the wanking is a red herring. You have exactly what you chose, and re-chose, and chose again, a lovely albeit sexless marriage with a man you consider perfect in every other way.

Other posters have made good suggestions about the way forward. But it is a better starting point, to take responsibility for your choices, and only then to ask him for changes. Best hopes for you x

'Otherwise he is the perfect man basically. He works hard, does his share of the drudge work, is an excellent, present father to our kids, makes me laugh, is kind and thoughtful etc etc.'

You wanted honesty so i’m just going to say it’s so sad you had to conceive in the way you did. And that you’ve really taken years it seems to as patient as you can be while also having to deal with your self-esteem being dismantled and not having a sexually intimate relationship. So when is enough enough? Something is going on with him and either he knows and doesn’t want to tell you what the issue is or he doesn’t know and will not put himself in the position of finding out (via therapy for example to explore his aversion if he has one generally). Whatever the reason is he has not and will not let you know, so to me that indicates that overall this relationship works for him minus sexual intimacy and he is not inclined to change that.

Actions speak louder than words - he’s promised you he will sort this issue. He either will not or cannot. And you’ll probably never really know what is blocking him if the last few years are anything to go by because, as I said, he either doesn’t know and won’t find out or he does know but won’t share that with you.

So at what point do you decide to either accept this and stop even considering you may have anything approaching a ‘normal’ sex life with him, or you decide to end the relationship? Because it seems to me you’re i’ve been holding on to the hope he will make good on his promise. But clearly he’s not going to. If he wanted to he’s be honest with you or seek medical and other help for any underlying issues. He doesn’t want to, it’s more important to him to keep the status quo than be uncomfortable wjej being honest with you or addressing whatever the problem is.

Tbh I think you’re still understandably looking at the situation from a perspective of ‘why won’t he make good in his promise’ or ‘how can I get through to him and somehow get him to address this’. Because that attitude gives some hope things may change. But realistically, it’s been years. He’s not going to change and you’re not going to have a fulfilling sexual relationship with him. Sorry to be blunt.

Honestly? I think that the writing was on the wall already when you had to give him a sex-related ultimatum before you accepted his proposal. And was in neon letters when your attempts to conceive were pot-based.

Only you can decide whether you can accept your marriage as it is or not. But it is a problem for you, there's no point lying to yourself about that. I would gently urge you to be very honest with yourself about whether you can live this way indefinitely, because if you know in your heart you can't then it's better to take steps to end things before you become ever more beaten down and before you become ever more vulnerable to responding to sexual attention from someone else.

Agree with he's lying.
Thinking someone is attractive is different for example I think J.LO is very attractive... she's got a great figure and a good back side!

However I'm not sexually attractived to her. Sexual attraction is wanting intimacy with someone it's an urge you can't contain and it's expressed through physical touch.

I'm sorry but you don't know what you're talking about. Porn use is definitely an issue in lots of relationships, especially when it becomes easier and more fulfilling for men to simply wank to the type of porn they like rather than having sex with their real-life wife or partner.

Just bc you do t have experience of it you have no right to write porn use off as "not an issue"!

This is ridiculous. Asexual people generally do not regularly wank to porn.

Sorry OP but you seem to just be flagging up the comments that are what you want to hear.

Why would you live with an asexual husband who doesn't want sex with you but you know for a fact he wanks off to porn in the bathroom?

Why are you willing to accept so little for yourself and no more sex possibly ever when you're only in your 40's?

@slashlover your not asexual if you enjoy sex are you? I tried to Google it but the defination isn't really clear cut.

To me there's not wanting sex that often like once a month that isn't asexual to me. What OP describes... doesn't sound like a porn addiction this is an issue within her husband way before she met him. I'm not sure which poster said it bit they hit the nail on the head either he is gay or he has a kink he doesn't wish to reveal.

Deceiving someone for years on end is a horrendous thing to do. He's capable of wanking so he clearly has some type of sexual urges....

I wonder whether he knows for himself what the issue is and just doesnt feel comfortable sharing that with you or if he is perhaps himself confused about his sexuality. He might be so confused that he doesnt feel like he can work it out. Being out of the normal typical sexuality box can be hard and working it out even harder, because you have nobody to relate to or to compare with. He might be even saying he fancies you without knowing what that feeling feels like for most other people.
I think individual therapy/counselling, if he hasnt had it so far, might be another/better option so he has more privacy to explore about himself. Obviously if he doesnt want to, then you are stuck. If he is asexual, which seems like it may be the case, I wonder whether that can be caused by something (possibly from the anxiety/trauma box of issues) or whether that is just something that comes by itself and therefor cant be fixed as there is nothing to fix.

Sorry you are feeling unattractive etc because of his behaviour. He might have simply different ways of expressing love towards you than sexual intimacy. Perhaps a book, or rather a set of books called something like Five languages of love could explain a bit about that.

Who are you speaking to in that shitty F tone?

I gave my input and I didn't address you in that shit manner so don't address me like that please. That is not how I wrote my post we have different opinions and experiences. I can respect yours, nobody is asking you to agree with Mr.

Relating this to OP... and a lot of other posters..... OP KNEW there was issues way before she stayed for 9 years so is porn really the issue HERE??
(I'm only pointing this out because the poster is jumping down my throat).

When I was with a guy like this I think his mother had caused him real intimacy issues. She was over emotionally dependant on him and it was strange. If I said anything emotional he would look like he was freaking out on the Inside. It all seemed to tie in with him not wanting sexual relations.

It made me feel awful so I asked an acquaintance who had a very short relationship years earlier with him. She said it was the same.

I couldn’t not live like that long term it didn’t meet any of my needs at all.

Asexuality is purely not being sexually attracted to anyone. It has nothing to do with enjoying sex or not.

www.asexuality.org/?q=relationship.html

I think the following may be relevant for the OP whether her DH is asexual or not.

My partner masturbates and/or watches pornography, but doesn't want to have sex with me. How is this possible?
Some asexual people can still experience arousal and have a libido that requires some stimulation to satisfy while also not desiring sex with other people. Some asexual people feel the need to masturbate for a sense of physical release, while also not having any sense of sexual attraction or desire for having sex with another person. It’s not necessarily about masturbation or pornography being preferred over partnered sex to meet the same needs – it’s that the needs are different due to the person having a different sexual orientation.
If your partner is not asexual, this may be a sign of other issues around intimacy. Communicate with your partner and make sure you’re both being honest to each other.

I want to stay with my partner and support them but the lack of mutual sexual feelings is killing me. What can I do?
You can talk through your differences and come to understand each other’s needs and boundaries, but you can’t magically change your or your partner’s a/sexual orientation. Compromise of some kind is necessary to keep mixed relationships like this together. What that compromise may be will be very specific to individual couples. Sometimes, despite everyone’s best efforts, a mutually satisfying compromise cannot be reached. Sometimes people stay in such a relationship and put up with mutual frustration for the sake of their love and commitment to each other or their families. Other times, a relationship must end. Do what is most healthy for you. There should be no guilt in leaving a relationship in good faith because, despite all of your efforts, your needs are too different.

I'd assume he was gay to be honest. I'm really perplexed why you'd accept a marriage proposal from someone you don't have a very good sex life with if sex was important to you? I wouldn't even make someone my boyfriend if we had a not existent sex life. If you are having to go to counselling before you've had kids and other things get in the way it's never going to be great. If it was me I'd leave him, having a drought for a short time is one thing but living in the Sahara long term, no I couldn't.

I don't mean to be cruel, but he is lying. This is no reflection on you or your appearance, but he isn't interested. Surely you must realise that a using a pot and a syringe to conceive is extremely unusual and indicates a severe issue

I agree with this sadly.

No amount of counselling can conjure up sexual desire that really isn’t there.

Of course he’s not going to tell you the truth that he doesn’t have the desire to have sex with you, because he knows the marriage would end.

I am extremely grateful for all of your responses - don't wish to seem like I'm cherry-picking only the responses that support how I'm feeling. I am reading and rereading every response as they are all helpful: the full gamut of opinions and experiences is what I wanted and what I'm getting. I accept that I hold 50% responsibility for the situation I find myself in.

OP I have been in a similar situation with my exH. My self esteem went to an all time low, I felt grotesque, so unattractive, so unloved!
I kicked him out for making me so utterly miserable in many respects, the "no sex" being just one of them!
Unfortunately whatever he says or promises your history shows you none of it is meant/true.
Do yourself a favour and make plans to go, yes its difficult but you don't deserve this level of deceit and of being strung along with empty promises and reassurances.
He has been lying to you from the offset. Life is too short to waste it with someone who doesn't appreciate you.

Op why do you need to hear him say it? It’s been years now. He doesn’t want to admit it. I also assume as he’s gay and saying he doesn’t wish to have sex with you is opening a door.

you don’t need to hear him say it, you already know it. Christ even we know it.

He’s gay and just can’t admit it to you or himself.

Am I BU to expect my DH to tell me that he does not want - for whatever reason- to have a sex life with me? So that I can base any decision about my future on that confirmed fact, rather than making my decision in spite of him insisting on something which just isn't back up by the evidence?

yes. Because it’s already confirmed fact. There is no point hassling him. He won’t say it. You have the confirmed fact. Make your decision.

Am I BU to expect my DH to tell me that he does not want - for whatever reason- to have a sex life with me? So that I can base any decision about my future on that confirmed fact, rather than making my decision in spite of him insisting on something which just isn't back up by the evidence?

Yes, I’m afraid YABU with this.

This man either cannot or will not be honest with you on this issue. Maybe because he cannot or will not be honest with himself, but that’s by the by really because the outcome and the impact on you are the same, whatever his reasons.

Maybe his lack of interest in sex with you stems from a psychological issue. But instead of doing the difficult and demanding work needed to address that in psychotherapy, he’s developed a porn addiction. Breaking his promise to you again and again. Meeting his own needs while completely neglecting yours, even though he knows how important this is to you, how much is hurts you. This is not loving behaviour.

So the only person you can force to be honest is you. Because you are being deeply dishonest with yourself now. He has been lying to you for nine years and you have put up with it. You gave him an ultimatum, he ignored it, and you stayed with him anyway. You even had to go through pot and syringe/IVF in order to conceive and that didn’t break through your denial.

Yes, his words have confused and misled you. But you seem to want to be confused and misled. Because there is so, so much evidence that he’s never going to be sexually engaged with you, and you still keep hanging onto this thread of “he keeps saying that isn’t the case so it’s not really”.

Why are you abdicating responsibility for making your own decision, as an adult, informed by your own experience and your own judgment? Why don’t you trust yourself to read the signs and come to the only rational conclusion there is? Why do his words have so much power over you, to the point that he can do literally anything and you still won’t see what it’s telling you if he verbally denies it?

Maybe you should look at some counselling just for yourself to try and unpick your own issues around this. Hopefully that will help you find the faith in yourself you need to make your own decision based on the reality of how he’s behaving, not what he says. Maybe it will support you in actually getting angry about the way he’s been treating you all these years, lying and lying and expecting you to believe him come what may.

Sorry if this comes across as harsh. I really do feel for you and understand how hard this is for you. But you have to break out of your own denial if you want to move on. The way things are now, you’ll have your sit down chat tonight and he’ll lie to you again and you’ll believe him again, and nothing will change. Nothing at all. And in five years, 10 years time you’ll still be exactly where you are now.

I’m sorry OP, but I think the talking about it ship has sailed now. You deserve so much better.

Did you notice the word "abusive" before it though?

I was about to say you have children plural so must have had sex to make your children, but you used a pot 😱, you must have realised that isn't normal when there's no obvious physical reason for it?

I knew a guy who was like this. My theory is that his parents' marriage ended v miserably after his dad cheated on his mum, he saw the extent of her misery and somehow internalised an idea that sex was a dangerous and destructive thing and it was better not to go near it - because his dad's sexual desire was what exploded all their lives. Cod psychology entirely but there you go.

Did your DH have anything similar in his family?