DH wanking / lying

[ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit]

Don't know what to make of this.

DH and I have had a non-existent sex life for many years. I want to have sex with him, he says he wants to with me but never initiates and avoids it if I try to.

This has been an issue even before we married. We had sexual counselling prior to marriage but it didn't make any difference long term. When he proposed, I told him I didn't want a life without sex and that I would only marry him if he promised me he would always work on improving the issue. He promised he would but has done nothing since to try to improve things. He has no answer as to why he doesn't try anything on with me sexually.

This morning he went to the toilet and took his phone with him. I was in the bedroom. The Bluetooth speaker in the bedroom suddenly connected to his phone and for about 10 mins the speaker was on and off connecting to his phone, so I heard the porn he was watching and obviously wanking to.

He comes out after a while and asks me if I'm okay. I say no, it wasn't enjoyable to hear the porn you were wanking to. He gets very defensive and denies and I can see in his face he is lying.

I hate that he's lying to me and sticking to the lie even though he can tell I know exactly what he was doing. I'm upset that even though he swears blind he still fancies me, he shows no interest in any sexual contact with me but obviously is not asexual if he's wanking to porn. I was not busy so we could have had sex if he was feeling in the mood. I'm not bothered that he wanks, just that he clearly would rather do that than come anywhere near me, and that he's disrespecting me by lying about it.

What do I do? I don't want a sexless life and I fancy him, he just seems not to fancy me and has done nothing to improve the situation.

Oh my god, stop mugging yourself off and end this. You lost the battle the day you gave him an ultimatum that you weren’t going to follow through with.

You have married a porn addict, who doesn’t do proper sex and who doesn’t want to change.

I know you have upthread given your reasons for why you have stayed with him over the years- but I don’t know why you are expecting that this situation can be fixed or will change.

he doesn’t like having sex with you.
he’d rather jizz into a scrunched up bit of loo paper whilst sat on the toilet.

You accept that, and put all your feelings in a box. Or you leave for someone without sex hang ups who you can have a fulfilling relationship with.

he knows how hurt you are, despite posters patronising you with telling you to ‘communicate’- you have already done this…..the thing is, he doesn’t care and he knows you won’t do shit about it.

or will you?

Maybe he can't get it up in a normal sexual situation.my ex couldn't. He was only 40 but had spent so many years wanking to extreme porn that he could only do it if he gripped himself really hard over films of people in extreme porn situations. Sex in a loving relationship made him go completely soft. The only solution to this is to completely give up porn and concentrate on having sex with your partner again. It doesn't sound like he will do this.
This is why I hate porn so much.

Porn addiction/death grip. Really common nowadays unfortunately 😕

Maybe he has hypogonadism so rarely feels in the mood for sex. Maybe he felt a bit in the mood earlier but because you haven't been having sex much recently he didn't know how to approach it with you so opted for a wank instead

Sorry TMI I know.

Did you have sex when trying for children prior to the IVF?

I would be incredibly hurt by that too. If he wasn't interested in sex at all that would be more understandable for me.

Time for him to come clean, no more lies, no more hiding, genuine honesty no matter how embarrassing for him.

I only realised what was happening when I read about this on mumsnet 😐

Show me a man that doesn't 🙄

Sounds a bit like my boyfriend when I was 18.

He exclusively dates men now.

Yes. He had sex with the OP's male landlord.

Sex with you is not as exciting as porn. This is the problem so many are having nowadays.

I don't understand this...

You married someone you knew had issues with sex. You had counselling to try to address this and it did not work. The problem has being going on for years.

The simple question is why are you still with this man and expecting anything to change?

You need to accept you are simply not compatible and go your separate way.

A grown man does not need your permission to masturbate and it is a perfectly acceptable activity...but it is obvious this is not your main issue. The main issue is that you married and stayed with the wrong man.

Sorry, the PP's landlord, not the OP's.

You really have two options at this point.

Accept that this is your life. Or leave and find someone you are more compatible with.

I don't think anything is going to change. He isn't willing to communicate which is a massive red flag really. My dh has issues with sex and was secretive at first. I guess it's something he felt ashamed or embarrassed about. We are at a point where we can discuss it now and have reached a compromise with our sex life that suits us both. It's not as regular or as spontaneous as I'd like in an ideal world but I can live with it. It isn't a deal breaker for me.

Can you live with your situation? Or is it ultimately going to be a deal breaker? Btw I know it's not as easy to LTB as other posters make out, especially when it's over something like this. But life is short and there is more out there for you if you decide you can't handle it.

Was he watching abusive hard-core porn? This is obviously worse because that means he can't get his rocks off unless a woman is in pain.

What?

Hardcore porn is porn with penetration etc. shown.

The term has nothing to do with whether the sex is rough/degrading/painful.

You married him knowing he had no interest in having sex with you, he is who he was then and you've put up with it. I'm not sure what he could have done to make himself fancy you, that's either there or it isn't.
I feel you've massively short changed yourself and the only solution is to leave.

One night stand.
Tmi but my dh only managed sex in one position.. Behind me.
Signs were there. He was from a Catholic family.. He wanted a dw and dc but not a real marriage..

😦

This. You don’t know the type of porn he is wanking to

find a man that truly loves and desires you for you

Life is too short to be wasting it on this man, at the end of the day ‘if he wanted to he would’

Sounds like a porn addiction to me, possible death grip too - the not being able to come unless wanked off is a red flag - they become desensitised to PIV sex as they're wanking over so much porn which often becomes more extreme as they become desensitised.

Honestly, I doubt the situation will improve so it's up to you to decide if you can cope with feeling shit about yourself in a sexless marriage? 💐

This is the long and short of things.

How long have you dated all together? It's far too late but you should not of married each other. I think you have tried and this issue is not fixable OP.

You’ve not done any about it so far, as in actually following through with leaving etc, so your life will continue like this.

Horrific story. Glad you left the damage till this day must be a lot.