DH wanking / lying

[ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit]

Don't know what to make of this.

DH and I have had a non-existent sex life for many years. I want to have sex with him, he says he wants to with me but never initiates and avoids it if I try to.

This has been an issue even before we married. We had sexual counselling prior to marriage but it didn't make any difference long term. When he proposed, I told him I didn't want a life without sex and that I would only marry him if he promised me he would always work on improving the issue. He promised he would but has done nothing since to try to improve things. He has no answer as to why he doesn't try anything on with me sexually.

This morning he went to the toilet and took his phone with him. I was in the bedroom. The Bluetooth speaker in the bedroom suddenly connected to his phone and for about 10 mins the speaker was on and off connecting to his phone, so I heard the porn he was watching and obviously wanking to.

He comes out after a while and asks me if I'm okay. I say no, it wasn't enjoyable to hear the porn you were wanking to. He gets very defensive and denies and I can see in his face he is lying.

I hate that he's lying to me and sticking to the lie even though he can tell I know exactly what he was doing. I'm upset that even though he swears blind he still fancies me, he shows no interest in any sexual contact with me but obviously is not asexual if he's wanking to porn. I was not busy so we could have had sex if he was feeling in the mood. I'm not bothered that he wanks, just that he clearly would rather do that than come anywhere near me, and that he's disrespecting me by lying about it.

What do I do? I don't want a sexless life and I fancy him, he just seems not to fancy me and has done nothing to improve the situation.

My aim in the chat is to ask, one last time, for some honesty. He must know the reason why. If he can't tell me / says he doesn't know, then I'm going to ask him what he's going to do about that. If there's no concrete plan, or a concrete plan is given but not followed up on, then I'll have to rethink our relationship, simply. I do not want to leave the man I love, the father of my children. But I equally do not want to be in this same situation anymore

@ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit There's something in this that rings true, in that he is definitely more prudish than me about sex. But I am not highly sexed - just want something rather than nothing.

Yes, so prudish that he locks inside the bathroom in the morning to wank to porn actors having a threesome on his screen. Soooo prudish.. 😂

I would contact a divorce solicitor.

@ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit .........
I've read the whole thread, and don't think anyone has suggested this, (apologies if they have), but could your DH be gay, and too scared/embarrassed/ashamed to admit it? ("Admit it" sounds like I'm making being gay out to be a sin, but I couldn't think of a more appropriate word).
I think, unfortunately, there is still homophobia in our society, even with all the progress that's been made. And "coming out" if you're in a heterosexual marriage, and have children, is incredibly brave and scary, as there are so many consequences and repercussions.
It's just a thought.......

This is the worst thing you can do.

There's no perfect but tbh what he is doing is unforgivable even reading the IVF part....

He has the upper hand and you need to TELL him divorce is NOW on the table.

Thanks you, ClogLady. I'm glad it worked out well for you in the end. I would go for another round of counselling, but only if he suggested it and organised it, as I did with the sexual counselling

That ship has sailed. You already did that at the beginning of the relationship and it didn't work.

Exactly this.
You'll be posting here again in a year saying nothings changed but still won't leave him. It'll be a broke record.
Counselling, talking, working through it last time, none of this has worked. He just isn't interested in sex for whatever reason and that won't change at this point.

Your only choice now is whether you continue in the relationship knowing that's all it will ever be, or leave him. There is no third option at this point.

Hi...he could be addicted to porn... My husband of thirty years is.. Believe me, it gets worse..he needs help and if he won't get it, don't waste time.... You'll be in for heartbreak.. My husband has stopped but after I discovered over £10k in debt on credit cards... Cam girl sex isn't cheap and is highly addictive.... Likely he will lie to you to cover his addiction. My husband stopped but he's still in denial...literally por n changes their brain....

'My aim in the chat is to ask, one last time, for some honesty. He must know the reason why. If he can't tell me / says he doesn't know'

He knows the reason he just will not tell you out of embarrassment or not wanting to hurt your feelings. He prefers masturbating to having any intimacy with you, I'm sorry that must hurt but you really deserve better.

Stop putting up with it and find someone who wants you. Good luck.

There isn't much point in talking about it again. This isn't a new issue. He has always been like this. This is who he is. You were never sexually compatible. It's quite unfair to keep putting pressure on him to change who he is. You need to take action yourself and not rely on him to make you happy.

Op- I think by this stage it doesn’t really matter whether you get to the bottom of why he’s not having sex with you.

you’ve tried so much. He has never told you. You’ve done everything right to allow him to be honest.

things won’t change. I think you need to separate.

it’s soul destroying not having sex. You need to feel desired. You won’t get this from this man- however much you love him.

He didn't want to have sex before you got married, that's really not normal. Why on earth did you persevere with it?

I never really understand the whole porn addition thing on here in my experience men who use a lot of porn also want a lot of sex or sexual contact.

op if there was not much sex before marriage and you even had to resort to using a pot and a syringe ttc, then surely you know there is a substantial issue here that’s not about you.

as such, if he has sexual urges, either the man is gay or he has a kink he doesn’t wish to reveal. Even if he was watching straight porn he could have been watching the man.

Re: the ED, has he had his testosterone levels tested?

Because he told me he did want us to have a good sex life and promised he'd always work on improving it

OP you're going to have to balance out your priorities: what is more important your sex needs or having a good father, stable hard working partner?

No cake and eat it too here I'm afraid 😪

The Madonna-whore complex is the binary way with which men judge women as either “wife material” -the Madonna- or as “sex material” -the whore-.

Slightly lower end of normal range

I’m sorry OP but I don’t think there’s any hope if he couldn’t even bring himself to have sex to try and create a child.

Sounds like an embarrassment issue, even if your fine with it men really struggle when it comes to things like that

Gwt some viagra for him or alternatively….take a lover.

Thing is, he will keep saying whatever he has to say to keep the status quo.

He will say he will try harder. Then he will for a bit. Then he will slip back.

Addiction doesnt mean wanking 24/7. He can be addicted just by preferring porn to sex.

Yes someone mentioned this upthread and it's a concept that came up in our counselling in that he says he puts me on a pedestal, or has since we moved beyond the initial relationship stage and actually fell in love. Having his kids has probably strengthened that feeling

@Wisteriaroundthedoor your last line has made my day 😂😂😂😂😂

MN frown upon porn use in general agree with you its not really an issue. I guess the posts on here is that if your not having sex porn obviously isn't helping..... but it's not porn per say thats the cause of the lack of sex in a relationship

You made the critical error of thinking he would magically change after you got married, but you must know by now that is is never, ever going to happen. Only you can decide how much more of your life you're going to squander with him.