DH wanking / lying

[ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit]

Don't know what to make of this.

DH and I have had a non-existent sex life for many years. I want to have sex with him, he says he wants to with me but never initiates and avoids it if I try to.

This has been an issue even before we married. We had sexual counselling prior to marriage but it didn't make any difference long term. When he proposed, I told him I didn't want a life without sex and that I would only marry him if he promised me he would always work on improving the issue. He promised he would but has done nothing since to try to improve things. He has no answer as to why he doesn't try anything on with me sexually.

This morning he went to the toilet and took his phone with him. I was in the bedroom. The Bluetooth speaker in the bedroom suddenly connected to his phone and for about 10 mins the speaker was on and off connecting to his phone, so I heard the porn he was watching and obviously wanking to.

He comes out after a while and asks me if I'm okay. I say no, it wasn't enjoyable to hear the porn you were wanking to. He gets very defensive and denies and I can see in his face he is lying.

I hate that he's lying to me and sticking to the lie even though he can tell I know exactly what he was doing. I'm upset that even though he swears blind he still fancies me, he shows no interest in any sexual contact with me but obviously is not asexual if he's wanking to porn. I was not busy so we could have had sex if he was feeling in the mood. I'm not bothered that he wanks, just that he clearly would rather do that than come anywhere near me, and that he's disrespecting me by lying about it.

What do I do? I don't want a sexless life and I fancy him, he just seems not to fancy me and has done nothing to improve the situation.

You told him at the start but haven't followed through on your words. He most likely thinks you won't.

Are there other issues at play here? Does he suffer from ED and is embarrassed to discuss it with you? I'm not saying that's an excuse because he should be open and honest. But it seems like there could be more to this.

It sounds like there is something amiss, but I am confused

You told him you didn't want a sex life, but you appear to have changed your mind

I would not make a big thing about this - ie do not make it sound accusatory

This is going to sound harsh but you knew full well he wasn’t that into sex when you married him. He was never going to suddenly change, or possibly change at all.

Does he suffer from ED and is embarrassed to discuss it with you?

I was just thinking the same

Op, you cannot go on like this. You really need to leave, this is horrible to deal with. This leaves a pit in my stomach reading it, because I've been there. It's not ok for him to do this.

Wanking while you have been craving intimacy for so long.

you have to sit there knowing all the while what he's doing.

You have to feel undesirable about yourself.

He pretends to have no idea, while you bear all the emotional burden.

Yes he probably does think I won't hold that boundary, especially as I haven't to date and now we have DC. But I have let it go during some really rough years since we married (bereavement, IVF etc.). Perhaps that was foolish of me

I don't think he's ever going to meet your needs

My exh avoided sex with me. Never wanked according to him.
I moved into the conservatory when I mentally ended things. Caught him wanking into a pair of my pj's.
I moved out.
He had a ons with my new landlord.
Keith.
You were wrong to marry him.
You can change that.

I'm not sure of the definition of ED. When we used to have sex occasionally, he had no problem in getting an erection. Sometimes he would lose it before he came, and we'd finish him off by hand as it were

This is totally unfair on you. What a bloody insult x

I can’t believe you married him! If you want a sex life, then this is not the man to have one with. This is who he is, accept it and base future decisions based on this reality.

That sounds like a pretty mortifying experience given the backstory with lack of sex but really I think you’re getting sidetracked from the real issue.

Him wanking is not the issue. That is a normal and healthy thing for any adult to do. The lack of sex life, when at least one of you wants sex, is a real issue. You need to find a way to push through the awkwardness and talk to him about it in a non-attacking, calm way. Once you understand why your relationship is sexless you can either work towards fixing it, if that’s what you both want, or decide whether it’s a dealbreaker for you. The wanking is a red herring.

Sorry I'm confused - "he had an ons with your new landlord"?

You need to sit down with him again and have a really open convo. I think I'd feel really hurt and rejected if that was the case so I'd name that with him but tell him you love him and you are prepared to work at it as long as he starts being open and honest with you. If he can't do that and he won't open up to you then it's very unlikely that it's going to change and you maybe need to think about how you can move forwards separately. You've been clear with him on your needs and boundaries from the start and he might have a good reason for not following through on those but he needs to let you know what that is. I think it sounds like you've been accommodating and you've tried to work at it in a supportive patient way but he needs to meet you halfway, you can't carry that part of a marriage on your own.

He's probably embarrassed that he got caught so I wouldn't feel too bad about it. Sure, a lie is a lie but if you wet yourself and thought you could lie your way out of it (for example), wouldn't you try too?

Do you think this is down to insecurities? He has sexual desires, but either is worried about his appearance or performance etc?

Weird question, but could you work out what he was watching (taste-wise)? Maybe he has a niche fantasy but is ashamed or nervous about what you'll think. Is that something you could 'indulge'?

As always, the answer is a Frank discussion. You want it, what is the reason why he doesn't?

Initiate divorce proceedings. Hes making a mug of you. He has a sex drive but doesnt use it with you.

I bet he trots out that he wants sex with and was going to, probably that very week!, but now you've talked about it again, it has put him off and he needs time to get over the hurt. So it's your fault.

Or some such crap.

Honestly, divorce him. He will either change or not. But taking the unwilling horse to water over and over is soul destroying.

She already said it's not the wanking, it's the porn on speaker, lying, lack of sex that is the issue. You're just reiterating the opening post

Some replies here are taking a very strange view of this.

The OP's partner madturbating was NOT "not ok". A person does not need permission, or conditions, to masturbate. Ever. Partner or not, sexless marriage or not, it's their body.

What's not ok is the dishonesty and the inability to discuss changes in intimacy. Make sure we're all talking about the same thing here.

DorotheaHomeAlone ^

I'm not sure whether another conversation will illuminate things any further tbh: we had a 10 week course of sexual counselling which never got to the bottom of it and I have asked him calmly many times whether he is just not attracted to me, whether he is just not bothered about sexual in general etc. but as I say, he swears he fancies me and does want to have sex with me. With a busy life and children I can put it out of mind a lot but then things like today really bring it crashing back into my reality. It does make me feel ugly and unloved even though I know he loves me and shows it in other ways. It is definitely worth having another conversation about it after this morning, but if he continues lying it will end in an argument because I hate being lied to

Could you tell if it was straight or gay porn?

He may be asexual. Asexuals still masturbate and even enjoy porn but don't have any real interest in sex.

My ex was like this.

I'll put it simply. He has a porn addiction and a man with a porn addiction cannot have sex because he has become desensitised by what he is watching.

Was he watching abusive hard-core porn? This is obviously worse because that means he can't get his rocks off unless a woman is in pain.

The only way for him to recover is to admit his addiction and get therapy for it.

I'll tell you now that most men don't.

Up to you if you want to "give him a chance".

You said yourself he tried to lie to your face about it. The way he sees it, you're married now so he doesn't have to make an effort.

You made your wishes clear that you wanted a sex life. That isn't going to happen the way things are. HE needs to make the effort. Not you. He needs to take action, he needs to apologise. Which means admitting his lies, deception and the hurt he caused. Then he needs to show you exactly what he is doing to fix it, with results.

Make sure you tell him that unless he gets help, you will be leaving him.

Either that or you just need to accept he would rather wank to porn than show you his love and respect for you.

I dumped my ex because in the end, he chose to become abusive on top of having a porn addiction.

Straight porn, including blow job and/or licking out. Nothing particularly kinky from what I could make out