DH wanking / lying

[ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit]

Don't know what to make of this.

DH and I have had a non-existent sex life for many years. I want to have sex with him, he says he wants to with me but never initiates and avoids it if I try to.

This has been an issue even before we married. We had sexual counselling prior to marriage but it didn't make any difference long term. When he proposed, I told him I didn't want a life without sex and that I would only marry him if he promised me he would always work on improving the issue. He promised he would but has done nothing since to try to improve things. He has no answer as to why he doesn't try anything on with me sexually.

This morning he went to the toilet and took his phone with him. I was in the bedroom. The Bluetooth speaker in the bedroom suddenly connected to his phone and for about 10 mins the speaker was on and off connecting to his phone, so I heard the porn he was watching and obviously wanking to.

He comes out after a while and asks me if I'm okay. I say no, it wasn't enjoyable to hear the porn you were wanking to. He gets very defensive and denies and I can see in his face he is lying.

I hate that he's lying to me and sticking to the lie even though he can tell I know exactly what he was doing. I'm upset that even though he swears blind he still fancies me, he shows no interest in any sexual contact with me but obviously is not asexual if he's wanking to porn. I was not busy so we could have had sex if he was feeling in the mood. I'm not bothered that he wanks, just that he clearly would rather do that than come anywhere near me, and that he's disrespecting me by lying about it.

What do I do? I don't want a sexless life and I fancy him, he just seems not to fancy me and has done nothing to improve the situation.

Can't see the point in continuing with relationship if you've been for help, you've established that he's straight but can't be bothered to make the effort. Sometimes you just have to move on.

@ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit my DH has ED due to his type 1 diabetes. We have had times when things go ok for a while then a drought. During lockdown was probably the best ever, no work pressures and lots of time to try. Wasn’t as bad on the early stages but still at times an issue. He rarely initiates sex and often it’s after lots of prompting from me. I don’t want to initiate it because makes me feel shitty if he doesn’t want to.
Like you I didn’t want to live in a sexless marriage but then my DH is amazing, kind, loving, an amazing father, helps out at home and makes us laugh every day.
In recent years we have made better progress, I’m a talker so it’s took a while to get him comfortable with that but honesty is the best thing. I did some research and being able to tell him facts and figures about ED in general or ED for people with diabetes. When I told him this stuff I could see it made a difference to him knowing he isn’t alone. I actively encourage him to have a wank as I feel that the he needs to try different things to see what works for him. He does get a little embarrassed by this as is definitely a little prudish. I have come to terms with this situation, you sound like how I felt about 8 years ago. I know he loves me and is now working towards improving things which is great. This is something that has gotten worse for him as time goes on and a lot of that is to do with confidence. I’ve always been calm and supportive about it but it doesn’t matter as it’s clearly frustrating and embarrassing for him. It’s not always easy.
I personally wouldn’t have left him as I know how lucky I am from listening to friends/colleagues experiences at home. However the biggest step forwards for us was talking openly and honestly about how we both feel. If your husband can’t get there then that’s a big issue.

You have 3 choices because he won't have sex with you. 1. Leave and find someone who fancies you and wants to have sex with you. 2. Put up with no sex for the rest of your life, which will likely make you miserable. 3. Have an open marriage. Stay married but have sex with others who want you. Only you know which option will suit you best.

Another vote for 'he's actually gay' here I'm afraid. His behaviour sounds very like my brother before he finally came out.

I'm sorry OP, I don't think he's able to offer you a full marriage.

I have a female friend and she is asexual, she used a syringe to get pregnant in her marriage and he had a fake vibrating vagina in the bedside cabinet of his own room. It didn’t make sense to me and they’re divorced now.

I was also surprised at this, the op wrote it like it was totally normal to use a pot and a syringe. The whole logistics behind that shows how deeply, deeply dysfunctional both are.

Remember there is a real woman who is living this life (and not by choice). Have a bit of compassion in how you word it.

I had a relationship like this too.

The constant low level rejection slowly eroded my self esteem so much - I didn’t understand the scale of it until I was out of it

OP- please don’t blame yourself for this. It’s very difficult to break away from a
relationship when you are in love with someone.

many people stay in relationships that give a lot less. I can totally understand why you’d want to solve this- it seems so good in so many ways.

My ex stopped having sex with me, which was the reason I finally gave up. ‘Luckily’ he was a shit in so many other ways it made it an easy decision.

I’d also say your predicament is a lot more common than you’d think. I have three friends in similar situations- and that’s just the ones who’ve confided in me.

you deserve happiness ( and a good shag!). He can still be a good father if you’re separated. You can even be friends after divorce.

but I know it isn’t easy, and no-one would blame you for sticking with a good enough marriage.

wish you all the best

Sounds like the kind of gay men that want a wife. One of my gay friends had plenty of boyfriends like that.

Divorce and find someone who cares about you.

Sexual abuse as a child?

Asexual?

Gay?

Sexual assualt / trauma at some point?

ED?

Low testosterone / hormonal issue?

Low sex drive?

Cultural / religious hang ups?

Rejection / feels like duty sex / stressed / relationship not good - all the usual suspects when one partner wants less sex

You knew this was an issue before you married. He likely has no idea how to 'work on it' especially if he is in denial / ignorant as to the underlying cause. You have done counselling and made no progress. Did he engage in the counselling?

I think you make a last ditch effort - he should do a full phsyical work up, a mental health work up and an assessement by sex therapist. If there is no cause or solution identified then I guess you either accept the sex life you chose to marry into, or you leave.

Exactly what I was going to say

It doesn't come across as harsh. I have had counselling to help with issues stemming from my childhood/family: a narcissistic mother and enabler father, very enmeshed, leading me to have very weak boundaries with others/ putting my needs last. I am now NC with most of my family. The counselling covered the effects of all this in my work life but we didn't cover its effects in my relationship with my husband. I ended the counselling due to financial limitations but I agree it would be prudent to start it up again to look at my relationship with my husband. The family stuff was just so overwhelming that it took precedence over everything else

I do see that all the evidence - other than his words

Sadly you can't trust his words either as he will lie to your face. Hard to respect that.

Have you asked if he's gay?
Does he know your relationship is hanging in the balance?

@ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit This is my story too. I think one of the biggest issues for you (as was for me) is the mixed messages. On the one hand he says he fancies you and wants things to improve, on the other he does absolutely sod all about it. I think, with the power of hindsight, that this is just downright cruel. He knows deep down he can't give you what you want, but would rather keep you dangling than actually face up to the problem and either try to solve it or split up. I feel angry on your behalf just writing that!

I have had counselling to help with issues stemming from my childhood/family: a narcissistic mother and enabler father, very enmeshed, leading me to have very weak boundaries with others/ putting my needs last. I am now NC with most of my family.

Oh love. That’s hard. And it makes it even harder to leave when you don’t have supportive family to turn to, when your history of close relationships is so skewed. That in itself is such a toxic legacy and makes sense of why you would cling to a relationship that is loving and positive in other ways.

I totally get having to focus on the most overwhelming stuff first. When your toxic family impacts practically every area of your life, where do you start! I do hope you can find the means to afford more counselling.

You are incompatible op. He doesn't want sex with you and you can't change that. So you have two options. Stay in the marriage and accept it will be sexless or get divorced. You've wasted enough years already trying to change his mind.

Thank you MrsCBY x

OP, it doesn't matter WHY he's like he is.

The reality is that it's making you very unhappy.

Life really is too short to be living half a life

I believe when you first met this man your priorities where different, you wanted kids and a family, he seemed a good man, a good provider, you got along and looked like he would be a good father so you jumped on this ship, fair enough. Once those boxes were ticked (the kids, the family and the mortgage) your sexual needs have become important and your priorities shifted. You may stick with him for a while while the kids grow up but eventually you’re going to bump into some hot guy willing to tick the “sexual needs box for you” and it’s going to be the end of your marriage.

The babies are napping and we had a chat. He said he's always felt like he wouldn't be able to satisfy me sexually, so has avoided sexual contact. I asked why he's never said that before and he said he was embarrassed. I pointed out that he could have saved us/me a huge amount of upset/hassle/ money/ time if he'd disclosed that at any point prior to now, he just reiterated that he was/is embarrassed. I asked what his plan is, he said he doesn't have one beyond telling me that. He said he's worried about initiating sex now in case I think he's just doing it because I've told him we're on the brink.

So that's that. What he's said is just filler, there's no intent or drive behind it, it's just trying to placate me as previously.

You are NOT being unreasonable to want your partner of 9+ years to be honest with you.

You ARE being unreasonable to keep holding on to the hope that he hasn’t lied to you constantly despite all evidence to the contrary. You ARE being unreasonable to keep living your life in limbo in the hope that he will magically wake up one morning a changed man.

You deserve better.

I think you should sit your husband down.... let him read the thread and watch his face!!

I'm considering this!

It's seems he's not willing to resolve the issue, that's the main thing. He's not actively doing anything to change things and keeps leading you on. Personally once I'd realised this I would have to leave. You can't keep doing this forever