DH wanking / lying

[ohrightsoimjustexpectedtolivewithit]

Don't know what to make of this.

DH and I have had a non-existent sex life for many years. I want to have sex with him, he says he wants to with me but never initiates and avoids it if I try to.

This has been an issue even before we married. We had sexual counselling prior to marriage but it didn't make any difference long term. When he proposed, I told him I didn't want a life without sex and that I would only marry him if he promised me he would always work on improving the issue. He promised he would but has done nothing since to try to improve things. He has no answer as to why he doesn't try anything on with me sexually.

This morning he went to the toilet and took his phone with him. I was in the bedroom. The Bluetooth speaker in the bedroom suddenly connected to his phone and for about 10 mins the speaker was on and off connecting to his phone, so I heard the porn he was watching and obviously wanking to.

He comes out after a while and asks me if I'm okay. I say no, it wasn't enjoyable to hear the porn you were wanking to. He gets very defensive and denies and I can see in his face he is lying.

I hate that he's lying to me and sticking to the lie even though he can tell I know exactly what he was doing. I'm upset that even though he swears blind he still fancies me, he shows no interest in any sexual contact with me but obviously is not asexual if he's wanking to porn. I was not busy so we could have had sex if he was feeling in the mood. I'm not bothered that he wanks, just that he clearly would rather do that than come anywhere near me, and that he's disrespecting me by lying about it.

What do I do? I don't want a sexless life and I fancy him, he just seems not to fancy me and has done nothing to improve the situation.

😂😂😂

I'm being shitty?

I simply said that just because you personally have never experienced porn use being an issue in a relationship don't speak for others. It is absolutely a big problem in many relationships and my opinion is that this is a huge part of the problem in OP's relationship. If she'd rather explore the possibility that he's asexual that's up to her.

"Who are you speaking to?" Really? Lol!

@Twawmyarse BUT how is porn the issue here? She met the man a disaster right from the START..... that is all I was saying. They haven't even conceived the kids the normal way I mean FFS.

If you want to believe that is down to excessive porn use. I respect your opinion however I am sticking with mine.

Your tone was shitty yes.

He said he's always felt like he wouldn't be able to satisfy me sexually, so has avoided sexual contact

please tell me you don’t believe that?

and I agree with the pp. porn is clearly not the issue here. When you can’t even have sex to conceive the normal way and use a pot and a syringe then it’s a very different issue. And it’s clearly not about being worried about satisfying you op so he’d rather wank in a pot. He might not be able to satisfy you as he’s gay. So he may be telling a a partial truth.

Your tone was definitely shitty.

It feels like cheating for me honestly, the fact he'd rather lock himself in the bathroom and wank to other woman while you lay in bed next room. Have you asked him why he's not attracted to you and instead attracted to strangers on porn movies?

My point was that you said "porn isn't an issue" - I took that to mean that you don't think watching porn causes an issue in relationships. It absolutely does and has in mine and many others - you only have to read the "porn addiction" threads to see that.

Maybe I misunderstood what you were saying - but I still think it's a definite possibility that OP's dh would rather have the quick sexual gratification of a wank to porn rather than making the effort to have sex with her. I don't believe that asexual people generally wank to porn - IMO.

If I were the OP personally I would get hold of his phone and have a nosy at the extent of his porn use and what type of porn he's looking at. I think she may get some answers that way. This is what I did with an ex and found he was looking at some quite extreme porn - he also seemed to have lost interest in sex with me and when we did have sex needed me to do kinky things/talk dirty and wank him off at the end to make him come. OP mentions having to wank him off to get him to climax - I personally think this is a pointer towards high porn usage - as do many others on this thread it seems.

OP - you say you heard him listening to porn? Could you hear women on it? Bc if so I think you can probably dismiss the gay thing.

I think you are starting to diver the thread due to your severe issues with porn. It might be better to start your own? We understand fully porn is a major problem for you and you wish to talk about it, but maybe the ops thread isn’t the place to get the support you need?

Yes there was a woman's voice, with lots of sucky/licky background noises, and she was saying stuff like oh yeah baby that's making me really wet etc. Was not gay porn. But the more this thread continues, the more I recognise that him watching porn/ the type of porn is not the key issue

I'm not going to snoop on his phone. He says he is not addicted to porn. If he is, that won't change my current situation

I don't know if I believe it. What I do know is that it's not a valid enough reason for what I've had to put up with in our relationship for so long. If it were true, he's had plenty of time to recognise and rectify it. So it's left me feeling really flat

Yes, nice try at passive aggressiveness my love 😘

I would just creep sadly away and do as you say (as you're obvs extremely knowledgeable!) except many on here seem to agree with me and have mentioned porn addiction/death grip continuously throughout the thread. People offering their thoughts who have experience of it which are very similar in some ways to the OP's.
Hopefully it's just that he's asexual and completely disinterested in sex with OP - coz that would be much better solution wouldn't it?

Hope you get the answers you need OP - I think you're far too young to put up with a sexless relationship for the rest of your life 💐

My ex-boyfriends have always watched porn (when I was not around) and it never interfered in our relationship, they were always very happy to shag me. I could not care less if they watched porn because sex was always frequent and good so I was a happy camper. Personal experience tells me the issue is not porn per se, the issue here is that this man would rather wank to porn than fuck his wife.

I agree with you @Twawmyarse. People are annoyingly dismissive on anything they haven't experienced (in this case porn problems which are very common) and you definitely weren't rude in your delivery.

I believe you should snoop in his phone because you may get answers. I once found Grindr app on an ex's phone, he was meeting men for sexual encounters, yep, he was bisexual and I had no idea. I snooped into his phone because I had a lot of questions, he was being evasive like your husband and I needed answers. I'm glad I snooped into his phone because it gave me the answers I needed to know. I broke with him right away. Your husband may be looking in sex work directories, he may have a male lover, he may be paying webcam girls etc... I have no idea what's his story, but you maybe get some closure.

Personal experience tells me the issue is not porn per se, the issue here is that this man would rather wank to porn than fuck his wife

Yes, but don't you see that if he would rather wank to porn than fuck his wife it suggests at the very least an unhealthy interest in porn that is having a negative effect on his relationship? (let's take away the word "addiction" as it seems to upset some people) He is getting his sexual kicks from porn when (if he cared about salvaging his relationship) he should really stop looking at it to get his rocks off and start working on his relationship with his wife? If, every time he gets a sexual urge he goes and wanks to porn on the toilet it's not going to help with the situation with his wife is it?

I agree it sounds like he possibly has other problems which were apparent before he met the OP - but using porn as the outlet for any sexual urges he actually does have really isn't going to help. I think for a lot of men it's just pure laziness - they can't be arsed putting the effort into sex with a real life woman - especially when every kind of sexual situation they could dream of is available on their screen at the touch of a button.

Porn isn’t the issue, here. OP herself doesn’t think porn is the issue. You’re derailing, as has been noted by other posters.

Just start your own thread and talk about porn to your heart’s content. I don’t understand why you’re so reluctant to do so.

Thanks bigbloom - there are some real (wannabe) bullies on this thread - they become quite rude when it doesn't match their opinion of what's going on. (He must be asexual or gay - they're your only two options!)

No harm in keeping an open mind people. The only person who really knows what's going on in that man's head is OP's husband himself.

Why on gods green earth do you think I should do what you tell me to do, a random on the internet? Who died and made you the arbitrator of everything on MN?

How do you personally know that porn isn't the issue, are you the OP's dh?
The truth is no-one knows what the issue is - including the OP - or she wouldn't be here asking for opinions.

Do you have any experience of the things OP has had going on in her relationship? Because I have and in MY experience it was to do with overuse of porn. That doesn't mean that's what it is in this case but it's certainly a possibility and for you to keep trying to shut it down when there are many others who agree it could be the problem (are you a porn-worker by any chance as you seem very against it being anything to do with porn?) is just weird.

Gosh this thread is really being derailed now by the poster with th4 porn problems. Op I’m sorry. The rest of us are listening to you it’s not porn.

You seem to be under the impression that you are talking to one poster. @Wisteriaroundthedoor , @Day20 and I are not the same person. I haven’t repeatedly said anything to you.

You sound unhinged.

Um no I’m not under that impression, I’m fully literate,and can read the names.

Really? You think because I'm telling those posters trying to bully me into "going off and make my own thread about porn" to get lost and accept the possibility that it could have something to do with overuse of porn, instead of thinking they are the authority on what is happening here that it makes me unhinged?

I really hope you never meet an actual unhinged person!

Don't try to bully people in a passive-aggressive way and then get upset when they call you out on it.

I shall respectfully bow out now OP as I have no wish to derail your thread at all - I do understand what it's like to have your partner wanking over porn rather than making the effort to have sex with you, their wife who loves them. It's horrible and you deserve better. 💐

Thank you for your input Twawmyarse. I'm so sorry you went through what you did and I'm grateful to you for sharing your experience and perspective x

I believe if porn was not available this man would still lock himself in the bathroom and have a wank while his wife is next room. Having a phone with porn just makes it “more fun”. From personal experience not all men who have a wank in the bathroom carry their phone with them 🤣