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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP of 3 years is married

222 replies

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:21

Would this bother you?
my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.
they separated (2014)
he met someone new and had a child with them (2015-2017)
I’ve been with DP since 2019
but he’s still married. His reason for not getting a divorce is the cost of it and that he never got round to it. They have no house / assets together, they co-parent well and have never had any issues with arrangements, child maintenance etc. kids have their own phones so they only talk if it’s about school / child issues etc. his ex has a partner too. Her and the kids live in a different country (still UK)
obviously We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced! They’ve been separated 8 years, surely that’s long enough. AIBU to put pressure on him to get one? Is this normal or is something else going on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:22

We’ve also spoke about buying a house and I don’t want to buy one that his ex partner may have financial access to… not sure how it works

OP posts:
Mouldyfeet · 03/09/2022 14:23

This would be a deal breaker for me. If they have no assets then they can do all the paperwork themselves, it would not cost much at all.

He clearly wants to stay married not his first wife and is using this as an excuse not to marry you.

Justwantanicepeacfulholiday · 03/09/2022 14:24

Do not buy a house with this man unless his divorce is finalised.

Him not going through divorce is a massive red flag.

0live · 03/09/2022 14:24

We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want.

Well you might want to marry him but he certainly doesn’t want to marry you. Otherwise he would get an amicable divorce from his perfectly amicable ex.

Mouldyfeet · 03/09/2022 14:24

An yes his wife will be entitled to a share of any assets that you bought together.

neverbeenskiing · 03/09/2022 14:24

We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced!

I'm sorry but if he won't get divorced then he obviously doesn't "really want" to get married again.

balalake · 03/09/2022 14:24

100% would bother me. Cost is not going to be huge if there is agreement as to access and finances. Living apart for more than two years used to be grounds and so simple to prove end of the marriage.

Mmmmdanone · 03/09/2022 14:25

Probably is just cost but it would be wise to get on with it. His ex could still have a claim over any money he accrues until they are at least legally separated with a financial order in place.

LIZS · 03/09/2022 14:27

It does not have to cost a lot. He needs to consider his priorities in committing to you. Do you mix with his family, dc and friends?

DelphiniumBlue · 03/09/2022 14:27

We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced!
It's clearly not something he wants then, is it? He can't marry you until he is divorced..
Actions speak louder than words, if he wanted to marry you he would sort this.
Personally I would distance myself, and let him know why. How can you possibly commit to someone who is married to someone else? I hope you are not already living with him, as that will have sent entirely the wrong the message.
I imagine you won't want to be issuing ultimatums, but your actions could put the message across.

hashbrownsandwich · 03/09/2022 14:27

He's crammed a lot in to a decade hasn't he?

Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:28

he is on £11 an hour so yes cost is an issue, I don’t think she earns much either
i think there is pressure off his family

OP posts:
Twizbe · 03/09/2022 14:28

At this stage they can submit the forms themselves and be done pretty quickly. She doesn't even have to agree to it as they've been separated for over 5 years.

It's a huge red flag that he's not divorced. I'd be making that ultimatum if I were you.

Leadingtostories · 03/09/2022 14:29

I wouldn't sleep with a married man (unless I was married to him).

Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:29

@hashbrownsandwich i wish I could say his age without it being too revealing but we are both young and I think people would be shocked lol

OP posts:
Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 14:29

neverbeenskiing · 03/09/2022 14:24

We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced!

I'm sorry but if he won't get divorced then he obviously doesn't "really want" to get married again.

Was going to say the same thing.

Anyone who really wants something, takes the steps they need to, to be able to do it.

Its quite convenient, he can tell you he really wants to get married. Have you believe it and then claim that while he wants to get married he can’t.

If he wanted to marry you he would have started the divorce.

KnickerlessParsons · 03/09/2022 14:30

Anything he owns now will go to the person he is married to if he dies, if he doesn't have a will, or to his children if his wife dies before him.

DelphiniumBlue · 03/09/2022 14:31

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:22

We’ve also spoke about buying a house and I don’t want to buy one that his ex partner may have financial access to… not sure how it works

And she is not his ex partner, she is his current wife. As such, if he dies she has a claim on everything he owns.
I know this because my own father died without leaving a will, his wife from whom he had separated some years before, got everything. I believe that even with a will, a wife can still claim.

Celerylover · 03/09/2022 14:32

I was with someone who was married - separated 2 years by the time got together.
Said he'd get divorced but was being lazy.
5 years in he was in a terrible car accident- was super hard to support him in hospital because I wasn't his wife when I wanted to visit etc.
once he got better I said enough was enough/ had anything happened I wouldn't even have had that connection or even a say over what could happen should I need to act as next of kin.

It cost a few hundred quid because she was ok with divorcing too. They just hadn't gotten round to it

Tbh in the long run we didn't work because he was mostly lazy about everything and I got sick of pushing for things to be done all the time but that was certainly eye opening!

Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:33

@LIZS I’m very involved with his family, and I’m a priority in all other aspects of his life

OP posts:
Celerylover · 03/09/2022 14:34

Il add that we spoke about marriage too but I always knew he wasn't going to propose whilst married so I knew there was no surprises due etc in ALL that time. Was quite horrible actually- dunno why I put up with it for so long- we even had conversation after conversation about how I could never anticipate a proposal!!! Still didn't get it done!

musicandpassion · 03/09/2022 14:35

This was pretty much my situation, almost exactly, including the dates! My exH and I didn't get divorced until last year, despite him having a girlfriend (who he'd left me for, so they'd been together for 7 years at the time). I assumed he'd been using it as an excuse to not marry her, so I initiated and paid for the whole divorce so I could move on, buy a house, and remarry.

Sorry OP, but I agree with others. If he wanted to marry you so desperately, he would have divorced by now. It doesn't need to cost much, only court fees if it is amicable. They were £550 when I was divorcing. Plus a bit more for a clean break.

Chickychoccyegg · 03/09/2022 14:35

He's got dc by 2 different exs, one of them he's still married to, and he's still young?
Yeah I'd be thinking carefully about proceeding with this relationship, especially because of his reluctance to divorce.

WallaceinAnderland · 03/09/2022 14:37

Married, kids, leave, married, kids, leave... why do you want to marry him anyway

NancyJoan · 03/09/2022 14:37

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:28

he is on £11 an hour so yes cost is an issue, I don’t think she earns much either
i think there is pressure off his family

Pressure from his family to do what ? Divorce, or stay married?

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