DP of 3 years is married

[Anxietyriddenx]

Would this bother you?
my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.
they separated (2014)
he met someone new and had a child with them (2015-2017)
I’ve been with DP since 2019
but he’s still married. His reason for not getting a divorce is the cost of it and that he never got round to it. They have no house / assets together, they co-parent well and have never had any issues with arrangements, child maintenance etc. kids have their own phones so they only talk if it’s about school / child issues etc. his ex has a partner too. Her and the kids live in a different country (still UK)
obviously We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced! They’ve been separated 8 years, surely that’s long enough. AIBU to put pressure on him to get one? Is this normal or is something else going on?

If they have no assets and it’s an easy divorce they can do this for about £600, so when the inheritance comes through he can put in the application then. It still takes atleast 6 months from there though. Ask him if he’s willing to do it when the inheritance comes through.

This says a lot about why you shouldn’t be thinking of marrying this man (or continuing a relationship with him)

He also receives maintenance for dc that lives with us
is it his fault they live 8 hours away? He rings kids every night. DC3s mum doesn’t bother seeing or talking to dc. But that’s fine..?

"We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want."

Correction, it's something you really want. He most definitely does not want to get married. You say he is young and already has left two women he has had kids with. What makes you think he will be different with you? The fact he did not tell you he was married and that you only found out from a third party would have had me running for the hills even without his track record.

Don't settle for dregs Op.

Perhaps call his bluff, OP, and offer to pay for the divorce (or his share) yourself? See what he says to that.

Did he choose to move so far away from his kid? If so, that’s absolutely disgraceful. And it was the kids other parent who moved them away, what sort of deadbeat trash doesn’t get that stopped, by a court? You’ve fucked up so badly here.

Thanks for the update OP.

How much does he say this inheritance is, & can you believe him?
He lied to you for a year about being married.
He had another child with yet another woman while he was married.

He gets around £1800 after tax
and child benefit for 1 dc
£600 goes to dc mum
£400 half of rent and bills
£100 wrap round care for dc that lives with us
£150 car insurance fuel
rest is food / clothes / Xmas / for kids / whatever
we don’t have savings but he’s due to receive inheritance soon and we have spoke about buying a house
What’s the issue here that people can’t work out?

Even if the inheritance is enough to buy his 50% of a house big enough for all of you outright, if he dies, his wife can claim his half of the value. You are unlikely to have the funds to buy her out, so would be forced to sell. You could then find yourself bumped off the housing ladder without enough funds to secure even a smaller property.

Why would you risk that?

And what is he paying in maintenance for his 3rd child?

Wether or not is his fault obviously depends on wether it’s him that moved so far away,
or their mum. Nobody has said it’s ok that his other kids mum isn’t involved with her child.

Also planning to buy a house with this inheritance could be scuppered by the fact that his wife can have claim over this, so
you may not have it all available to buy a house.

What happens with inheritance money under Scottish law if you divorce?

@KettrickenSmiled nothing, she lives with us. Her mum doesn’t see her at all. He receives child benefit for her and £150 in child maintenance a month.

Anxietyriddenx You can easily allay his fears about the cost.

Put your details into the calculator and work out how much help he can get with the court fee. The full fee is £593 but on the figures you mention he should be exempt and pay very little or nothing. Its not just those on benefits also low income. It is quite generous.

www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees

Fill out the form for help (you can do this online. )

Then fill out the online divorce application by following these steps.

DO NOT BUY A HOUSE WHILST MARRIED TO SOMEONE WHO YOU ARE STILL MARRIED TO AS THEY WILL HAVE A CLAIM !!

He needs to do this before any inheritance is available to him.

And if he’s getting an inheritance I wouldn’t bank on it if his wife gets wind of it. Could be the catalyst for her to start divorce proceedings to get part of it included in the settlement. And when the inheritance comes through what will be his next excuse for not getting a divorce ? Because it won’t be the cost.

If he doesn't get divorced when the inheritance money comes in then you will know he is lying about it being financial reasons for not getting divorced. Just be careful he's not just using you to afford a bigger house and childcare for all his children.

Well we don’t know if it’s his “fault” because you have omitted to say how he came to end up so far away from them. Regardless, he could move - as any decent parent would - to be close to his children so that he could actually be a proper dad to them, not a fun uncle who sees them in the holidays. It’s not like his ability to provide for them hinges on his current location. He could get an £11/hr job anywhere. He is choosing to be 16 hours away from his children. Wouldn’t you follow your child anywhere OP?

Sorry forgot to add the online divorce.

If there are no assets, then no need for a lawyer . It can all be done by himself.

www.gov.uk/divorce/file-for-divorce

He’s a great dad too, with ex wife and kids in a different country. Must be very wealthy able to financially support children from two relationships and soon to be third set of kids. Odd then he is struggling to pay the costs of a cheap divorce. He sounds like a dream catch.

Have fun owning a home along with your boyfriend's wife. Should be interesting.

😂😂

3 kids by 2 women and he’s young … what a mess.

Wow, as much as that. How much of it pays for his 3 children? He’ll have loads left out of that to pay for a house with you and support any children you both have. Sounds like a heavenly plan. Does he have savings or would this house plan be entirely done to you.

You realise that the only way this adds up is if he is doing a 47hr week? Who does that for £11 an hour, then gives up a third of their wage when they’d be expected to pay peanuts really.

it’s all so ridiculous and unbelievable.

also, his wife is going to get a chunk of his inheritance in the divorce (it won’t happen - divorce or inheritance)

my bet is you claim to live alone too? Haha

Wonderful, another child. So we’re at 3 sets of children, possibly more if his 2 exes are with new partners. and you’re planning a fourth set of children with him. 11 pound an hour goes a long way in the UK. Who will be paying for the wedding?

if you're really lucky, he won’t divorce and you will not get pregnant before you realise what a disaster this fantastic man is.

How often does this wonderful father see his children.

His wife will legally have a claim on his inheritance if they are still married when it arrives. He really needs to sort out his legal situation very soon.

What a shit show

The poor children in this shit show of a scenario. All orchestrated by adults. Unbelievable. The stupidity and selfishness of some. Including you OP.

What’s the issue here that people can’t work out?
Ummm……he’s young, already has children with two woman and two failed relationships and you’re the third. He’s a low wage earner supporting 3dcs and presumably you will have children with him too?
Oh, and he doesn’t want to get married so is still married to his 2nd wife? She’s in a very good position if anything happens to him, she will get all his assets.
What’s the issue? There’s more than one OP!