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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP of 3 years is married

222 replies

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:21

Would this bother you?
my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.
they separated (2014)
he met someone new and had a child with them (2015-2017)
I’ve been with DP since 2019
but he’s still married. His reason for not getting a divorce is the cost of it and that he never got round to it. They have no house / assets together, they co-parent well and have never had any issues with arrangements, child maintenance etc. kids have their own phones so they only talk if it’s about school / child issues etc. his ex has a partner too. Her and the kids live in a different country (still UK)
obviously We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced! They’ve been separated 8 years, surely that’s long enough. AIBU to put pressure on him to get one? Is this normal or is something else going on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

OP posts:
Summertimesadnesss · 03/09/2022 14:38

I mean he does sound like a catch I can see why your keen yo get married to him…..

UserError012345 · 03/09/2022 14:40

You know the answer. Be smart.

Gaveitall · 03/09/2022 14:41

Take advice from all these wise ones on here.
If, god forbid, he dies or gets killed tomorrow, his ex wife will have legal rights to his estate that will make your life really messy. She defo has rights. (Likewise for him if she goes of course.)

It does not cost much to download the papers from the Gov.UK website (double check it is the bonafide Gov site.) & get someone to help you(s)fill them in if you’re not good with form filling.

Get it done OP! You are in a very precarious position & defo do not buy a house with him until his divorce is settled and made absolute. It would be madness otherwise.
Ring around some of the solicitors. See if you can get a half hour free consultation to clarify matters. Look after yourself & your interests or, possibly live to regret it.

He needs to “tidy up his life!”

puguin86 · 03/09/2022 14:41

Honestly see this too many times.

Partner doesn't want to get married and then (insert illness / sudden accident here)

First wife is the next of kin whilst they are married and is therefore

  1. Entitled to make decisions about care / treatment
  2. Entitled to death in service benefits /
3 Entitled to being a legal claim if anything (god forbid) happened to him -

He doesn't want to marry you enough if he won't divorce

BlueKaftan · 03/09/2022 14:41

He’s got a lot of baggage for someone so young.

WhatsitWiggle · 03/09/2022 14:45

He's making excuses. It's £593 to apply for divorce and he's possibly entitled to reduced fees based on that income. Or he can apply with his wife and split the fee with her. It got much easier in April this year.

www.gov.uk/get-help-with-court-fees

ChimChimeny · 03/09/2022 14:45

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

Surely being married is significant enough to mention Confused

He sounds dreadful imho

LorW · 03/09/2022 14:45

My divorce cost me £550, if he hasn’t come up with £550 over the last 8 years sorry to tell you but he isn’t going to divorce and he won’t marry you. He’s using it to string you along as per usual with these types of men. If he wanted to, he would.

IssaBaby · 03/09/2022 14:46

Perfectly amicable you say.
My exh was hot headed (still is) neither of us even had new partners and we still managed to divorce whilst having a child and a shared asset (house) to sell...all for the massive sum of £550.

Its not rocket science. And it takes literally 3 months. If that.
I did it directly through govt website. We sold house before hand and split the money. No solicitors. Grounds of 2 year separation.
Share custody of DD.

Your DP is pretty odd for not even being arsed to sign a couple papers. I'd fuckin leave his ass if he can't even be bothered to fill in 2 forms and do it online.

passport123 · 03/09/2022 14:46

He's had two sets of kids with two different women? why on earth do you want to be number three, of presumably many?

GiftIdeasAlwaysNeeded · 03/09/2022 14:46

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

This would have me running for the hills to be honest.

It's ultimatum time - he starts to save as much money as possible NOW for a divorce, if the money isn't readily available. Or it's over.

economicervix · 03/09/2022 14:48

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

And you didn’t dump him then? 😄how embarrassing

AhNowTed · 03/09/2022 14:48

God another one.

This was my friend.

20 years and he was still married.

Had his wife not died, and something happened to him, his wife would own half my friends house.

And if she was still alive, the idiot would STILL be married to her. And my friend STILL putting up with his crap.

Also the wife is his next of kin OP. If something happens, you have zero say and zero rights.

economicervix · 03/09/2022 14:49

Are you wanting to be baby mother number three? So romantic 😂

ThirtyThreeTrees · 03/09/2022 14:50

Is this really what you want? A man who is still married and lies about it.

I hope you aren't planning to have kids with him because he seems to leave once the kids arrive.

ICanHideButICantRun · 03/09/2022 14:51

I don't need a crystal ball to know there's someone better out there for you.

  1. someone who isn't a liar
  2. someone who isn't lazy
  3. someone who doesn't have kids with several women.
liveforsummer · 03/09/2022 14:51

How can his age be revealing? I mean he must at least be late 20's given the relationship CV.

economicervix · 03/09/2022 14:51

He probably said ‘I didn’t think it was important! It’s been so long now I barely even think about it, I don’t consider myself married in my heart. It’s you I love’ and OP believe it [cringe]

WaveyHair · 03/09/2022 14:52

So he is married and you found out through a third party. He has three children with two different women. Each relationship appears to last around two half years.

You have talked about marriage and buying a house together even though he will not consider divorce?

Hmm I would proceed with caution with this one, especially with buying a house.

MrsWooster · 03/09/2022 14:52

You know the answer here…
Run Away, far and fast.

TheFlyingFox · 03/09/2022 14:52

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:28

he is on £11 an hour so yes cost is an issue, I don’t think she earns much either
i think there is pressure off his family

And how does he support his 3 children with 2 different women on £11 per hour?

Or does he just leave the women behind to do that?

tonicwaters · 03/09/2022 14:53

Are you the higher earner with a place for him ready to live in?

ChicCroissant · 03/09/2022 14:53

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:29

@hashbrownsandwich i wish I could say his age without it being too revealing but we are both young and I think people would be shocked lol

He can't be that young if he married 10 years ago and he'd been with his spouse for 6 years before that.