Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP of 3 years is married

222 replies

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:21

Would this bother you?
my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.
they separated (2014)
he met someone new and had a child with them (2015-2017)
I’ve been with DP since 2019
but he’s still married. His reason for not getting a divorce is the cost of it and that he never got round to it. They have no house / assets together, they co-parent well and have never had any issues with arrangements, child maintenance etc. kids have their own phones so they only talk if it’s about school / child issues etc. his ex has a partner too. Her and the kids live in a different country (still UK)
obviously We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced! They’ve been separated 8 years, surely that’s long enough. AIBU to put pressure on him to get one? Is this normal or is something else going on?

OP posts:
Ihatemyroad · 03/09/2022 15:04

He’s fobbing you off.

A quickie divorce can be cheap. Literally print off forms, they both sign them off and a divorce will be granted after so many years of separation. Bush bosh bash done!

Dont buy a property together he's still married!

And just incase no one has mentioned it - What happens if he dies and is still married? Who gets to decide whether he’s buried or cremated and where? Is his wife still next of kin through marriage?

arethereanyleftatall · 03/09/2022 15:05

Anyone who can't afford a divorce (which costs a few hundred quid), can't afford a mortgage.

Mrsnononsense · 03/09/2022 15:05

is this for real?

YABU for having shockingly low standards …

I recommend finding someone who hasn’t got multiple kids with different women and is still legally married. Oh, and he’s dishonest too!

EmmaH2022 · 03/09/2022 15:06

oh my sweet lawdy lawd

no idea what to do about people like you

but FFS don't mix money or have a baby

I assume you're the higher earner. Good grief.

Hermione101 · 03/09/2022 15:07

WallaceinAnderland · 03/09/2022 14:37

Married, kids, leave, married, kids, leave... why do you want to marry him anyway

100%

EmmaH2022 · 03/09/2022 15:07

Oh wait...is there a foreign visa in the mix somewhere?

Floralnomad · 03/09/2022 15:07

He probably told the woman he had the child with between 2015-17 that he wanted to marry her as well . Wake up @Anxietyriddenx this man , who you say is young , has children with 2 different women already and on £11 per hour he certainly doesn’t support them all properly . Do you really want to be the next victim .

diddl · 03/09/2022 15:08

Move on before you become his third ex with a kid or two!

viques · 03/09/2022 15:08

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

Wow, how long before you found out about the other ex with child , or had he forgotten about them too. He doesn’t really come with glowing references does he? Are you sure this is what you want to settle with for the rest of your life?

And please, make sure you are controlling your fertility, double up if you have to, wages at £11 an hour won’t go far between four kids spread over three families.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 03/09/2022 15:08

arethereanyleftatall · 03/09/2022 15:05

Anyone who can't afford a divorce (which costs a few hundred quid), can't afford a mortgage.

Very good point! Are you the one who will finance your home, all on your own? While he supports 3 children on £11 an hour?

Poppyblush · 03/09/2022 15:11

You seem to be slightly deluded, sorry. He has 3 kids but is on £11 per hour so barely supporting his kids. If he can’t afford a divorce, he won’t afford a mortgage which makes me thinks he’s going to sponge off you. Ditch and get someone who’s willing to make you his number 1.

wackamole · 03/09/2022 15:11

I wish I could say his age without it being too revealing but we are both young and I think people would be shocked lol

my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.

He's at least 22 (given that the lowest age of marriage for men anywhere in the world is 12), so not young enough to believe the nonsense he's selling you.

There could possibly be a reasonable explanation for not getting divorced after all this time and all of these other commitments, but if he does have a reason he's not telling you what it is. And he has a history of being dishonest (yes, perhaps you didn't explicetly ASK if he was married when the two of you got together or any time oveer the subsequent year, but it's still not OK that he didn't tell you), I'd assume there's something else going on.

NannyGythaOgg · 03/09/2022 15:12

I didn't get divorced until we had been separated 14 years.

I wasn't bothered - we had sorted out finances and back then it was just accepted that I would have custody of our children. He saw them as often as he wanted.

It never occurred to me to tell boyfriends I was still married as it made no difference to me. However, I never lived with any of them and so it was irrelevant as far as I was concerned. So the situation isn't the same.

We eventually got divorced at his behest as he wanted to remarry. I've no idea how much as I just said it was up to him, but I wasn't paying anything as it was unnecessary to me. I was glad he did though as, now the kids were adult, I didn't like him being a beneficiary should I have died.

Goldfishmountainclimber · 03/09/2022 15:12

As another poster mentioned, my main worry wouldn’t be him being married but rather that he has had kids with two other women and is still young. How is this going to play out for you? Is he the sort of person who is going to really commit to you and stay with you (and any children you might have with him)?

Maybe you could do better, op?

Marvellousmadness · 03/09/2022 15:12

I wouldnt want to stay in that relationship tbh.
The fact he had kids with his 1st wife. And then kids with the next lady.. and then potentially also with you?
It will be a nightmare.
Buying a house could be the worst thing ever happening to you if you break up.
I wouldnt procreate with this man. He sounds unreliable. And his family sounds like a nightmare. Oh; and he is MARRIEd

30mph · 03/09/2022 15:13

He's a dud. Throw him back. Don't get pregnant ffs.

Oinkypig · 03/09/2022 15:14

That sounds messy I think you should
maybe take some time to think about things.

The next of kin things mentioned on threads like this always annoys me. The term doesn’t have much meaning legally (there are situations in mental health I think) The NHS doesn’t help by using it when it should be who do you want to contact in an emergency. Even if the person is unconscious medics should be discussing things with the person close to them e.g current partner not wife they haven’t seen in 15 years. It doesn’t even make sense hospitals don’t have a data base of marriages how would they even know? I understand people might have had that experience but it’s the medics having a false belief in NOK as well.

So yes you would be able to be involved in medical care but the wife would get the estate.

Not really the point of the thread I know. Whatever you decide do not buy a house with him.

Marvellousmadness · 03/09/2022 15:14

How is he even contributing financially to his other kids.

No op
Red flags everywhere

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2022 15:14

My DH was separated when we met. Had been for ten years and had had little or no contact with his wife in that time. They had just let things go as neither of them had had a serious relationship in that time. When we realised we were serious he asked his wife for a divorce and they settled amicably. I wouldn’t have considered taking the relationship even to the stage of living together unless he got divorced first. The huge red flag for you is that he has had another relationship in the meantime which was serious enough for them to have children together. That wasn’t enough for him to get divorced, and neither are you. My advice is ‘run’.

BeetrootBeetrootGhali · 03/09/2022 15:16

Oh you fool.

a) Don’t get involved with someone else’s husband.
b) Don’t get involved with a man who has a history of leaving trails of broken relationships with him.
c) Don’t get involved financially with a man who makes £11/hr and has to support three children.
d) Don’t stay involved with someone who lies to you about something massively important like still being married.

He sounds like a prince.

You can do so much better.

Novum · 03/09/2022 15:17

He's not going to commit to you. He's avoiding divorce because that marriage certificate offers him a constant excuse for not committing to anyone.

Jumpking · 03/09/2022 15:18

If he can afford to think about buying a house with you, he can afford the cost of a divorce first.

InsertPunHere · 03/09/2022 15:19

My cousin was in a relationship like this for 15 year. When her partner got ill and died she was cut off, had no input on funeral arrangements and inherited nothing. She never thought their legal status mattered. Until it did.

Pollywoddles · 03/09/2022 15:19

Why would you stay with a man who has lied to you about his relationship status? You’d be crazy to make any plans with him, cut your losses like you should have in 2020.

diddl · 03/09/2022 15:20

I'm hoping that this is bollocks.

Can someone be so desperate for a man that they'd want this?

Swipe left for the next trending thread