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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP of 3 years is married

222 replies

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:21

Would this bother you?
my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.
they separated (2014)
he met someone new and had a child with them (2015-2017)
I’ve been with DP since 2019
but he’s still married. His reason for not getting a divorce is the cost of it and that he never got round to it. They have no house / assets together, they co-parent well and have never had any issues with arrangements, child maintenance etc. kids have their own phones so they only talk if it’s about school / child issues etc. his ex has a partner too. Her and the kids live in a different country (still UK)
obviously We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced! They’ve been separated 8 years, surely that’s long enough. AIBU to put pressure on him to get one? Is this normal or is something else going on?

OP posts:
Eastangular2000 · 03/09/2022 14:54

TheFlyingFox · 03/09/2022 14:52

And how does he support his 3 children with 2 different women on £11 per hour?

Or does he just leave the women behind to do that?

Show quote history

Of course he doesn’t support them 😂😂. The fact that he had another women pregnant. Shortly after leaving the first should be enough of an indication he is a waster. Please please don’t bring another child into this shitshow.

mattressspring · 03/09/2022 14:55

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

Fucking hell. Even if you were prepared to stay with a man who refused to divorce his wife surely the fact them at he isn't honest is off putting enough - I could never trust him so I would be running walking away.

ConsuelaHammock · 03/09/2022 14:55

He doesn’t really want to get married again. Still being married is the perfect excuse.

Blacknosugarplease · 03/09/2022 14:56

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:22

We’ve also spoke about buying a house and I don’t want to buy one that his ex partner may have financial access to… not sure how it works

He can afford to buy a house but not get a divorce? You may be committed to him but it doesn't appear he is as committed to you. Though I don’t think it’s because he wants to rekindle his marriage for what it’s worth.

goldfinchonthelawn · 03/09/2022 14:56

Don't have a child with him. He lasts five minutes once there's a baby around, by the looks of it.

Iheartmykyndle · 03/09/2022 14:56

Wonder what he told his last victim girlfriend?

I'd cut your losses and run.

ThePenOfMyAunt · 03/09/2022 14:56

My parents divorced when I was 10, remarried when I was 16 then separated when I was 22ish. My mum moved to Scotland, bought a place there and when she died 4 years ago, my dad didn't have any claims on it.

They didn't divorce as my mum wanted his death in service benefit when he died, and he didn't want to antagonise her as she had more means to have a difficult divorce. He has a decent pension, but she had a lot of capital from house sale.

Pallisers · 03/09/2022 14:56

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

ah come on OP. You should have left right there.

Nobetterthansheoughttobe · 03/09/2022 14:57

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

You are absolutely deluding yourself.
He has form fathering children and leaving
He didn't tell you he was married
He is making excuses not to get divorced
Are you colour blind? Red flags are flying everywhere and you are not seeing them

ConsuelaHammock · 03/09/2022 14:57

Don’t have a baby with him . He can’t afford another child.

RepublicOfNarnia · 03/09/2022 14:58

So he has 3 kids in total, and is still married to the mother of his first kids?

I don't know why you don't run away from this. The whole set up sounds like a headache.

Bloodyusernamechangefailagain · 03/09/2022 14:58

What a prince! He has no intention of divorcing (for £550) or marrying you. How does he pay for the DC he already has with babymums 1 & 2?
LTB

HaggisBurger · 03/09/2022 14:58

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

Oh ffs OP. have some self respect.

Mumspair1 · 03/09/2022 14:58

Chickychoccyegg · 03/09/2022 14:35

He's got dc by 2 different exs, one of them he's still married to, and he's still young?
Yeah I'd be thinking carefully about proceeding with this relationship, especially because of his reluctance to divorce.

So you will be his third person he has children with, if you want kids? Yea he's not a catch is he. Don't let him string you along, seeing as he already has quite a few children

Fancydancer1934 · 03/09/2022 14:59

Women should never put other women down so tactfully I am saying please wake up and smell the coffee. This man is unreliable, dishonest and does not give a flying fuck about anyone, least of all the kids he has created and left. Bin him off.

FlipFlopShopInHawaii · 03/09/2022 14:59

How is his age too revealing? 🤔 He's not the only one of his age in the world, or even the country. A marriage breakup that's 10 years old, another child with a different woman, he didn't tell you his marital status, won't just get divorced ...... it's all too much for me, I'd be out!

fortheloveofflowers · 03/09/2022 14:59

Blimey it gets worse!

How is he supporting his 2 other families? How often is he seeing his children?

How, given, he has 2 other families to support and is only on £11 an hour, is he managing to save to buy a house in this day and age???

You are being taken for a mug, you don't hide the fact your married.

lunar1 · 03/09/2022 15:00

My friend married at 20 to a man she went onto have three children with. They separated when she was 30ish and never got divorced.

They remind in contact due to the children, both have had other long-standing relationships. She's in her 50's now and they are happily back together.

She says they were always meant to be together, they just met too young. They made a mutual decision to never divorce and just see where their lives took them. I very much doubt their partners in between knew the details of why they didn't divorce.

Aquamarine1029 · 03/09/2022 15:00

FFS, op. Are you standards really this unbelievably low? Is this all you want for your life? A married loser boyfriend with multiple kids from different women. Fucking hell. Your future is going to to grim AF if you stay with this twat.

badbaduncle · 03/09/2022 15:02

fuck that, I would NEVER put up with it.

MassiveSalad22 · 03/09/2022 15:02

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

Why would you WANT to marry him? Raise the bar.

BigChesterDraws · 03/09/2022 15:03

It costs less than £600 to get divorced. I’d be happy to bet he has spent more than £600 on nights out, holidays, leisure, etc over the last 8 years. He’s showing you what his priorities are. There is even a fee reduction for those on low incomes.

He doesn’t want to get divorced as he doesn’t want to be court-ordered into paying maintenance for his children. How much is he paying for all the children he has made if he’s on £11 an hour anyway? Let me guess that you want to have children with this man too? The man who lied to you that he was married? If this the role model you want for your children?

You already know what you need to do.

economicervix · 03/09/2022 15:03

It’s hilarious how few standards people have, you’d think there was a shortage of cock.
OP, leave your front door open and just date whatever wanders in, it’s highly likely it’ll work out better than this embarrassing farce you’re in with someone else’s husband.

Nobetterthansheoughttobe · 03/09/2022 15:03

Rather suspect OP won't be liking the answers here...
Would bet the farm nothing changes

CaptaNoctem · 03/09/2022 15:04

So you didn't even find out he was still married until you'd been together a year?

He's got 3 children from 2 previous relationships?

He's still very "young"?

Why on earth didn't you leave as soon as you found out he had concealed the fact he was still married from you?

You can do much better.