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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP of 3 years is married

222 replies

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:21

Would this bother you?
my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.
they separated (2014)
he met someone new and had a child with them (2015-2017)
I’ve been with DP since 2019
but he’s still married. His reason for not getting a divorce is the cost of it and that he never got round to it. They have no house / assets together, they co-parent well and have never had any issues with arrangements, child maintenance etc. kids have their own phones so they only talk if it’s about school / child issues etc. his ex has a partner too. Her and the kids live in a different country (still UK)
obviously We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced! They’ve been separated 8 years, surely that’s long enough. AIBU to put pressure on him to get one? Is this normal or is something else going on?

OP posts:
TheClogLady · 03/09/2022 15:21

I remained married in similar circumstances for years and years. For me it functioned as a shield that prevented me from marrying anyone else. I wouldn’t have gotten back with my ex in a million years, but I trusted him to be my next of kin.

I divorced him after about 10 years of separation, but only because I met someone I actively wanted to become (and is) husband number 2.

For pities sake don’t buy a house with a man whose legal next of kin is his ex wife.

Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:22

I don’t think it’s unusual to have children with 2 different people
irs also not fair to say he has kids with someone then leaves… he was with his ex for 8 years
I don’t have any children with him but I have one of my own.

OP posts:
EmmaH2022 · 03/09/2022 15:23

NannyGythaOgg · 03/09/2022 15:12

I didn't get divorced until we had been separated 14 years.

I wasn't bothered - we had sorted out finances and back then it was just accepted that I would have custody of our children. He saw them as often as he wanted.

It never occurred to me to tell boyfriends I was still married as it made no difference to me. However, I never lived with any of them and so it was irrelevant as far as I was concerned. So the situation isn't the same.

We eventually got divorced at his behest as he wanted to remarry. I've no idea how much as I just said it was up to him, but I wasn't paying anything as it was unnecessary to me. I was glad he did though as, now the kids were adult, I didn't like him being a beneficiary should I have died.

you never told your boyfriends you were married?

Loachworks · 03/09/2022 15:24

Imagine not being able to be at his hospital bedside should the worst happen, someone else deciding to switch off life suport, not being able to organise or attend his funeral. I know someone this happened to after being together twenty years, far longer than he and his wife were.

EmmaH2022 · 03/09/2022 15:24

Also Nanny if you had died, then everything would have gone to him and he could have deprived your DC especially if he had children with someone else.

Mossygreenchypre · 03/09/2022 15:25

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:29

@hashbrownsandwich i wish I could say his age without it being too revealing but we are both young and I think people would be shocked lol

I wouldn't be shocked, seen and heard it all before, and it's rarely the woman who comes out best.
I think YABU to yourself by putting up with his lack of commitment to you.
Please don't settle for this.

Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:26

Why are people judging a financial situation they know nothing about?
His youngest child lives with us
the older 2’s mum gets £600 a month, and we have them in holidays, would be more often but it’s a 16 hour drive there and back…
everyone is from the UK

OP posts:
Qwertyyui · 03/09/2022 15:27

I didn't get divorced for almost 9 years. I also didnt see the point I was/still am on good terms with my ex and we wouldn't pursue the other for finances. I got divorced once my now DH proposed so we could get married. People saying it is not expensive need to realise 500 pounds is a lot to someone who doesn't have loads of money!

TheClogLady · 03/09/2022 15:28

If you buy and house together and he died she could claim his half of your property.

even if her claim failed you’d spend thousands defending against it.

W0tnow · 03/09/2022 15:28

Honestly the kids with two different previous partners would bother me more.

VeridicalVagabond · 03/09/2022 15:32

Babe sorry but he sounds like a complete loser, why do you want to marry him?

Maybe you should consider digging your bar up from whatever hole you've buried it in and aim a little higher for yourself?

Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/09/2022 15:34

If he wanted to marry you he would.
But he hasn't
Whose house do you live in? Rented? Bought? In whose name?
She's not his ex partner
She's not his ex anything
She's his wife
Doesn't matter what either of them say, it's what the law says that matters

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 15:35

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

WTF?!
This is a huge, screaming, flaming red flag.
Ignore it at your peril OP.

We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want.
No it's not.
If he wanted to marry you, he would sort out his divorce.
So it's not something he wants.
It's something you want, & he knows you want it. So he is either playing along because he's a deluded fantasist who wants to keep you happy - or he's a player who is telling you what you want to hear.

The fact that he lied about still being married FOR A WHOLE YEAR indicates the player scenario.
Sorry about the harsh tone OP - it's aimed at him, not you.

You cannot buy a house or have a child with him while he is married to someone else. Now there is no-fault divorce, he has no excuse. But he had no excuse for lying to you about his marital status for a third of your entire relationship either. You only know about it now because somebody else spilled the beans.

He either wants to get a divorce & commit to you or he doesn't.
Don't accept any more excuses from him.
Most people would have terminated the relationship once they doscovered his lie about his marriage. What made you stay with him?

LimpBiskit · 03/09/2022 15:36

The guy has two failed relationships, with children from each, in a short space of time. What makes you think yours will last?

BadNomad · 03/09/2022 15:37

In 8 years he hasn't been able to save up £500 for a divorce? Any assets, death benefits, next-of-kin decisions etc legally belong to his wife. He really needs to get that sorted.

Ragwort · 03/09/2022 15:38

Agree with other comments ... what is attractive about this man? Hmm

WallaceinAnderland · 03/09/2022 15:39

You know what OP, men who want to get married, get married. Men who don't want to get married come up with excuses to not get married. Despite what he says, he does not want to marry you.

ginghamstarfish · 03/09/2022 15:40

So a complete no-hoper and a liar? How could you stay after finding out that he lied in the first place ( or omitted to tell you)?

EdinaMonsoon · 03/09/2022 15:40

I voted YABU only because whatever conversation you have had with DP, you’re clearly not on the same page.

I stayed legally married to my exH for 6 years after separation until my now DH & I moved in together (renting not buying). Our reason for not divorcing prior to that was that neither of us had reason to, despite ours being a simple clean break, no DC, no division of assets type divorce. We just never got around to it. We both had relationships but neither of us were feeling like they were “the one” & therefore necessitated divorce proceedings. My now DH/then DP was absolutely fine with it. The marriage had ended several years before we met & he felt secure in our relationship & knew I was committed to him. However when we began TTC I immediately filed. It was the right thing to do for many reasons. I would have made the same decision if we’d bought a house first before TTC too. It’s not only sensible to protect against any possible claims from ex-DH but also it’s about showing commitment to your partner. The fact that you have had marriage conversations with your DP but he remains married with no sign of arranging a divorce tells you exactly what you need to know.

ReneBumsWombats · 03/09/2022 15:40

He'd been married for seven years when you got together with him.

You're right not to get into any financial commitments with him until he's divorced. If that affects your life plan together, you'll have to see what he prioritises and make decisions based on that.

pattihews · 03/09/2022 15:42

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:26

Why are people judging a financial situation they know nothing about?
His youngest child lives with us
the older 2’s mum gets £600 a month, and we have them in holidays, would be more often but it’s a 16 hour drive there and back…
everyone is from the UK

You've said you're thinking about buying a house together, but he's on a low income and is paying £600pm in child support and he doesn't have the £500-1,000 for a divorce.

So are you a high earner? Because it's difficult to imagine how you're going to afford to buy if not. If you are a high earner, buy a house and put it in your name. Don't marry: you have nothing to gain by marrying this man.

Mrsnononsense · 03/09/2022 15:42

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:26

Why are people judging a financial situation they know nothing about?
His youngest child lives with us
the older 2’s mum gets £600 a month, and we have them in holidays, would be more often but it’s a 16 hour drive there and back…
everyone is from the UK

And yet, he “can’t afford “ the divorce?

TheClogLady · 03/09/2022 15:43

Every one of us that has posted saying we stayed married after being separated for a long time has said that the eventual catalyst for divorce was meeting someone we (or our ex) wanted to marry.

that you’ve been together 3 years and he still isn’t motivated to divorce his ex strongly suggests he doesn’t want to
marry you (just like he didn’t want to
marry the mother of his post-marriage kid)

Sorry to be the bearer of bad news and all that but if you set yourself free I’m pretty sure there is a decent man out there who will prioritise you enough to marry you (or at least to not remain married to someone else).

legalseagull · 03/09/2022 15:43

It's not that expensive. Filing is around £600. They can't save that between them in three years? Shifty

I6344 · 03/09/2022 15:44

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:26

Why are people judging a financial situation they know nothing about?
His youngest child lives with us
the older 2’s mum gets £600 a month, and we have them in holidays, would be more often but it’s a 16 hour drive there and back…
everyone is from the UK

£600 a month and he earns £11 an hour? This can't be what csa suggest. My oh is not on bad money and pays £400 a month (plus extras when needed of course)