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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP of 3 years is married

222 replies

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:21

Would this bother you?
my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.
they separated (2014)
he met someone new and had a child with them (2015-2017)
I’ve been with DP since 2019
but he’s still married. His reason for not getting a divorce is the cost of it and that he never got round to it. They have no house / assets together, they co-parent well and have never had any issues with arrangements, child maintenance etc. kids have their own phones so they only talk if it’s about school / child issues etc. his ex has a partner too. Her and the kids live in a different country (still UK)
obviously We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced! They’ve been separated 8 years, surely that’s long enough. AIBU to put pressure on him to get one? Is this normal or is something else going on?

OP posts:
BadNomad · 03/09/2022 15:45

I mean, he didn't even get divorced when he went and started a family with someone else. If that's not a good enough reason to get divorced, then I don't know what is.

tonicwaters · 03/09/2022 15:45

Is he living with you? If so that's handy for him. How much does he contribute to YOUR household?

Buy a house, go ahead, how much will his earnings add to the mortgage application.

I hope you are making this up.

Boreded · 03/09/2022 15:45

This story is bullshit…he earns £11 an hour but pays £600 CM to one of his baby mamas…is a a drug dealer on the side?

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 15:46

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:26

Why are people judging a financial situation they know nothing about?
His youngest child lives with us
the older 2’s mum gets £600 a month, and we have them in holidays, would be more often but it’s a 16 hour drive there and back…
everyone is from the UK

What we do know is he earns £11 an hour, which is low pay

and CMS calculation on that salary would be nothing short of pathetic

Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:46

Again, nobody knows the financial situation of how many hours he works, or where we live.

OP posts:
wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 03/09/2022 15:46

I'm sorry but I think youre deluded if you think this will end with roses round the door.

The fact that you've posted suggests you're unsure yourself.

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 15:47

Op your user name is precisely how you should be feeling in this relationship

Deadringer · 03/09/2022 15:48

He clearly doesn't want to marry you.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 15:48

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:26

Why are people judging a financial situation they know nothing about?
His youngest child lives with us
the older 2’s mum gets £600 a month, and we have them in holidays, would be more often but it’s a 16 hour drive there and back…
everyone is from the UK

So out of his gross take home of approx £1700, he pays tax & NI, £600 to his wife?
And how much for his 3rd child?
Leaving how much p.m. for his rent, bills, food ..?
Let alone saving up for a mortgage?

BadNomad · 03/09/2022 15:49

No one needs to know your financial situation to say no, it's not normal to start new families and further relationships while staying married to your first wife.

Frazzled2207 · 03/09/2022 15:49

if There are no contested assets then divorce is quite cheap. My friend have a very amicable divorce and it cost £55 (admittedly some time ago). But it really doesn’t need to be protracted or expensive.

I’d call it off with him tbh unless/until he divorces. And you have to be prepared for the fact that he might not.

RoutineLow · 03/09/2022 15:50

Marriage is not significant to this man. It means nothing. He is already currently married to someone and yet has fathered a child elsewhere and is now shacked up with you and your child. What significance do you think a marriage will bring with someone who doesn’t view it as a lifelong commitment or a tie in any way? And if you do believe he feels that marriage is meaningful, then naturally that means he still views himself as a married man who is committed to his wife. Otherwise, someone who believed in the institution of marriage would divorce someone who they no longer wanted to be committed to, especially when that divorce is extremely cheap and straightforward.

Other than creating a meaningful union, the benefit of marriage for women really comes in when you decide to have children with someone so perhaps that’s your reasoning. Are you so desperate to be baby mama no 3 to this man who repeatedly has children and then leaves the relationship, and by the sounds of it is not financially solvent? Maybe he looks like George Clooney and makes you laugh but you’ve got a child to think about. This isn’t a sound bet.

Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:51

He gets around £1800 after tax
and child benefit for 1 dc
£600 goes to dc mum
£400 half of rent and bills
£100 wrap round care for dc that lives with us
£150 car insurance fuel
rest is food / clothes / Xmas / for kids / whatever
we don’t have savings but he’s due to receive inheritance soon and we have spoke about buying a house
What’s the issue here that people can’t work out?

OP posts:
mathanxiety · 03/09/2022 15:52

Earns £11 an hour and is talking about buying a house but can't afford to get divorced?

Tell him to pull the other one.

He is future faking. This means creating a glowing picture of your future together which he has no intention of working toward.

Dump this liar. He doesn't want to get married to you. He doesn't have a hope in hell of buying a house.

economicervix · 03/09/2022 15:52

Why your standards are so low? Try re-reading the replies if you can’t understand.

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 15:52

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:46

Again, nobody knows the financial situation of how many hours he works, or where we live.

We can take a wild stab in the dark.
He moved into your place, & your name is on all the bills & the tenancy.

Yes?

TheClogLady · 03/09/2022 15:52

I’m not up to date on divorce but you definitely used to be able to get the court fees waived if you were on certain benefits, so the entire cost was the price of a few computer print outs and £5 to a solicitor to witness your signature and stamp the paperwork.

VladmirsPoutine · 03/09/2022 15:52

@mathanxiety All of that is true but the OP sounds as though she would rather learn that lesson the hard way.

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2022 15:53

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:22

I don’t think it’s unusual to have children with 2 different people
irs also not fair to say he has kids with someone then leaves… he was with his ex for 8 years
I don’t have any children with him but I have one of my own.

But he has a wife. If you buy a house with him and something happens what then ? You need to protect yourself. And it may not be unusual to have children with two different people. What is unusual, and a red flag, is someone who gets married and has children, then moves on to a second relationship and has more children, and now proposes a third. All while still being married to the first. And you think an 8 year itch is OK ? Jesus.

Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:54

@KettrickenSmiled
we rent, when we met we both rented separately and had to get a new place as didn’t have space for his dc, mine, and when the older 2 come and stay. We live in Scotland. Both names on tenancy and bills. We split rent and bills 50/50.

OP posts:
BadNomad · 03/09/2022 15:54

Did him and mum#2 talk about marriage?

Goodadvice1980 · 03/09/2022 15:54

He doesn’t want to get divorced as staying married to his ex provides a convenient blocker to marrying anyone else. He doesn’t sound like a good catch if I’m honest.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 03/09/2022 15:54

How long before he leaves you and goes off with yet another woman?

Honestly, OP, do please beware!

RoutineLow · 03/09/2022 15:54

Oh and also just noticed he lives 16 hours away from his children and sees them in the holidays only. Hell would freeze over before I would be so far away from my kids. Would you allow that kind of distance between yourself and your child OP? Whether or not he was the one that moved away (although we can probably guess) a decent parent would move mountains to be with their children. Why doesn’t he?

Rosscameasdoody · 03/09/2022 15:56

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 15:51

He gets around £1800 after tax
and child benefit for 1 dc
£600 goes to dc mum
£400 half of rent and bills
£100 wrap round care for dc that lives with us
£150 car insurance fuel
rest is food / clothes / Xmas / for kids / whatever
we don’t have savings but he’s due to receive inheritance soon and we have spoke about buying a house
What’s the issue here that people can’t work out?

This just gets better doesn’t it - now you’re thinking about using his inheritance for house purchase. We can point you to the red flags but we can’t force you to beware of them. I’d have my running shoes on by now I’m afraid.