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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP of 3 years is married

222 replies

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:21

Would this bother you?
my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.
they separated (2014)
he met someone new and had a child with them (2015-2017)
I’ve been with DP since 2019
but he’s still married. His reason for not getting a divorce is the cost of it and that he never got round to it. They have no house / assets together, they co-parent well and have never had any issues with arrangements, child maintenance etc. kids have their own phones so they only talk if it’s about school / child issues etc. his ex has a partner too. Her and the kids live in a different country (still UK)
obviously We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced! They’ve been separated 8 years, surely that’s long enough. AIBU to put pressure on him to get one? Is this normal or is something else going on?

OP posts:
Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 16:20

Going to ask for this thread to be deleted as I’m now getting loads of accusations

  1. no he doesn’t have 4 sets of kids. He has 2 with his ex-wife, and one with an ex partner who lives with us.
  2. not sure why someone has said I claim he doesn’t live with me. How would that help us? We don’t get benefits apart from CB of £21 odd a week for our own children.
OP posts:
Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 16:21

YanTanTetheraPetheraPimp · 03/09/2022 16:20

What’s the issue here that people can’t work out?
Ummm……he’s young, already has children with two woman and two failed relationships and you’re the third. He’s a low wage earner supporting 3dcs and presumably you will have children with him too?
Oh, and he doesn’t want to get married so is still married to his 2nd wife? She’s in a very good position if anything happens to him, she will get all his assets.
What’s the issue? There’s more than one OP!

Anyone previously married to this tool is most definitely not someone I would regard being in a very good position

Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 16:21

I’ve already clarified multiple times we don’t have children together and won’t be, he’s had the snip, not that it’s anyones business

OP posts:
tonicwaters · 03/09/2022 16:23

The posts have hit a nerve with OP. Well then, go ahead and propose to him, and pay for his divorce and I hope you will be happy ever after.

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 16:24

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 16:21

I’ve already clarified multiple times we don’t have children together and won’t be, he’s had the snip, not that it’s anyones business

No

but poor children are now forced to live with him

TheFlyingFox · 03/09/2022 16:24

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 16:21

I’ve already clarified multiple times we don’t have children together and won’t be, he’s had the snip, not that it’s anyones business

Does he work for MI5 as well? Because, what with the inheritance due and claiming to have had the snip, thats all he needs to complete the triple crown of lies so beloved of manipulative, lying conmen designed to lure men in.

Why are you posting if you think he's so wonderful? You clearly have doubts but keep ignoring your own instincts.

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 16:25

So you met him 2019

when did you move him in?

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 16:25

This kind of thread makes me angry

all the innocent children swept up in carnage due to selfish stupid adults

PaniniHead · 03/09/2022 16:27

A close family member went through similar. They went through with the fake wedding and extravagant honeymoon. Pretended to everyone that they are actually married but he was still married to his first wife from over 15 years ago. He pretended the divorce was going through until two weeks before the wedding when he had to come clean. Gladly took the gifts, let guests pay out for hotels, outfits etc. 7 years later they still aren’t officially married, he isn’t divorced and no one knows any different. Don’t be an idiot like her.

Underhisi · 03/09/2022 16:29

He is not going to marry you. He probably doesn't want long term commitment. If that is what you want then leave him.

Original poster
Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 16:30

@Doingprettywellthanks kids are happy, thanks for the concern! If his ex wife didn’t cheat I’m sure none of this mess would have been caused. But blame the man.

OP posts:
bare · 03/09/2022 16:30

lazarusb · 03/09/2022 16:16

His wife will legally have a claim on his inheritance if they are still married when it arrives. He really needs to sort out his legal situation very soon.

This, this is the most important thing....
Plus any assets you buy, she gets a share of.

ArtixLynx · 03/09/2022 16:30

if its been that long, then yes, you ought to be pushing him to get on with it.

coming at it from the other side, ex and i are still legally married, he was abusive and my hesitance is because raising the issue with him will be a trigger for the abusive behaviour to start again... so i'm SCARED to start divorce proceedings...

I need to put my big girl pants on and just get on with it, i know i do.

Cailin66 · 03/09/2022 16:31

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 16:21

I’ve already clarified multiple times we don’t have children together and won’t be, he’s had the snip, not that it’s anyones business

How do you know he’s had the snip? How do you know he’s due an inheritance.

henni85 · 03/09/2022 16:31

My OH is still married. It’s a case of not getting around to the divorce, and life getting in the way. He wanted to seek legal advice, covid happened. Health issues have taken priority, the list goes on. There are other issues with not knowing an address to serve papers etc (hence the need for legal advice). Sometimes, there are circumstances making it harder to get a divorce. However, it’s never been a secret and I trust him. We have had extensive conversations over the problems this causes in case of accident or death (really cheerful!)
OP, be careful. I am trying to provide balance, but your situation does sound pretty dodgy

MrsDanversRidesAgain · 03/09/2022 16:31

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

Oh FFS come ON, OP. This is a pretty big piece of crucial info he has kept from you for a YEAR. How much longer would he have been happy to let you think he was single if someone hadn't tattled to you? and what else is he hiding? like a few more children than he has let on?

I've seen fewer red flags at a Mayday parade.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 03/09/2022 16:32

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:38

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

He sounds quite a catch....

So you're coy about your ages... So I'm. Guessing mid /late 20s...

So you're his 3rd 'serious' r/s within a decade... He has children with other women...

And you're young so presumably he'll soon have 3 sets of kids with 3 baby mothers in just over a decade...??

You can see where I'm going with this??...

And he didn't tell you he was married??

If you buy while still married to someone else.. The wife can have a claim on the house.

If he is in an accident on life support... You have NO RIGHTS over what happens to him. If he died, his wife would also have complete say over his funeral and when and how. You wouldn't even have any rights to know where the funeral was. (it happened to a friend of mine.

Its a crazy position if you don't find out about this stuff...

Red flags agogo...

TheClogLady · 03/09/2022 16:33

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 16:30

@Doingprettywellthanks kids are happy, thanks for the concern! If his ex wife didn’t cheat I’m sure none of this mess would have been caused. But blame the man.

The reason for the break up is irrelevant really, especially after EIGHT YEARS.

but it does make his reluctance to divorce even more strange - he didn’t even have the wait the standard two years* for a ‘no fault’ divorce, as if your version is accurate, he could’ve had a ‘quickie divorce’ on the grounds of adultery.

*This two year wait is no longer relevant due to the law change enacted earlier this year, but it was the case 8 years ago.

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 16:33

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 16:30

@Doingprettywellthanks kids are happy, thanks for the concern! If his ex wife didn’t cheat I’m sure none of this mess would have been caused. But blame the man.

Oh sure

keep telling yourself that op

just like your partner is a real keeper

KettrickenSmiled · 03/09/2022 16:33

OK OP - when is this much-vaunted inheritance due to come to him?
How much is it?
And how does he feel about handing 50% of it over to his wife?

MrsDanversRidesAgain · 03/09/2022 16:34

We’ve also spoke about buying a house and I don’t want to buy one that his ex partner may have financial access to… not sure how it works

He gets divorced. Once he has the decree absolute, you and him buy a house.*That's how it works.

*Although based on what you've told us you'd be utterly mad to do so.

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 16:35

I’d also like to add He didn’t tell me he was married
i had to find out through someone else a year into the relationship

it is like you do know how shit this is but you don’t like it when anyone else confirms that fact.

all wasted posts. This will continue. Children will suffer. You will start a thread re how he has left you, started another rel and she’s pregnant

mountainsunsets · 03/09/2022 16:40

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 16:30

@Doingprettywellthanks kids are happy, thanks for the concern! If his ex wife didn’t cheat I’m sure none of this mess would have been caused. But blame the man.

Why do you keep defending him?

He didn't even tell you he was married ffs.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 03/09/2022 16:42

Would this bother you?
my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.
they separated (2014)
he met someone new and had a child with them (2015-2017)

I wouldn't touch him with a bargepole.

RoutineLow · 03/09/2022 16:49

Whenever I read about blokes like this I always wonder why the 2nd/3rd/4th/5th woman would entertain settling down and/or having kids with a bloke who barely sees his existing offspring and/or has multiple failed families under his belt. Sort of morbidly interesting to see one of these women so blindly defending their poor choice of partner.

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