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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP of 3 years is married

222 replies

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:21

Would this bother you?
my DP got married 10 years ago (2012) they were together for 6 years prior to getting married. 2 kids.
they separated (2014)
he met someone new and had a child with them (2015-2017)
I’ve been with DP since 2019
but he’s still married. His reason for not getting a divorce is the cost of it and that he never got round to it. They have no house / assets together, they co-parent well and have never had any issues with arrangements, child maintenance etc. kids have their own phones so they only talk if it’s about school / child issues etc. his ex has a partner too. Her and the kids live in a different country (still UK)
obviously We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced! They’ve been separated 8 years, surely that’s long enough. AIBU to put pressure on him to get one? Is this normal or is something else going on?

OP posts:
Charcy · 03/09/2022 16:51

Seems odd you keep jumping to defend him, when your original issue was that he wouldn't get divorced, AND you added he didn't tell you he was MARRIED for a whole YEAR of your relationship.
Choose to do what you want OP as this is clearly absolutely fictional and you're just bored. Move along.

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 16:52

RoutineLow · 03/09/2022 16:49

Whenever I read about blokes like this I always wonder why the 2nd/3rd/4th/5th woman would entertain settling down and/or having kids with a bloke who barely sees his existing offspring and/or has multiple failed families under his belt. Sort of morbidly interesting to see one of these women so blindly defending their poor choice of partner.

Morbidly entertaining

but also bloody sad to think of the children in the equation who have no choice but to be dragged in to it all

Topseyt123 · 03/09/2022 16:54

How can anyone ever trust a twat who was incapable of even informing them in person that he was actually still married? Let alone apparently still be considering a future with him.

This man is hardly catch of the century.

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 16:59

Topseyt123 · 03/09/2022 16:54

How can anyone ever trust a twat who was incapable of even informing them in person that he was actually still married? Let alone apparently still be considering a future with him.

This man is hardly catch of the century.

someone who prioritises being in a relationship above and beyond anything and everything else

Crankley · 03/09/2022 17:01

We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want.

Obviously he doesn't since he won't get a diovorce.

You've known he was married for two years so what is the point of this thread?

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 03/09/2022 17:12

Charcy · 03/09/2022 16:51

Seems odd you keep jumping to defend him, when your original issue was that he wouldn't get divorced, AND you added he didn't tell you he was MARRIED for a whole YEAR of your relationship.
Choose to do what you want OP as this is clearly absolutely fictional and you're just bored. Move along.

I hope it's fictional.

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 03/09/2022 17:14

Doingprettywellthanks · 03/09/2022 16:25

This kind of thread makes me angry

all the innocent children swept up in carnage due to selfish stupid adults

Yes. They are just a side issue- barely mentioned.

WaveyHair · 03/09/2022 17:15

obviously We’ve spoke about marriage and it’s something we both really want. But he won’t get divorced! They’ve been separated 8 years, surely that’s long enough. AIBU to put pressure on him to get one? Is this normal or is something else going on?

In a nutshell you not been at all unreasonable in expecting your DP to get his house in order before you make any major financial commitments to this relationship. I would consider him getting a divorce to be one of those tasks!

ReneBumsWombats · 03/09/2022 18:02

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 16:30

@Doingprettywellthanks kids are happy, thanks for the concern! If his ex wife didn’t cheat I’m sure none of this mess would have been caused. But blame the man.

Well it's not his fault she cheated but jeez, he's not exactly Action Man in cutting his ties to her, is he?

TheyreOnlyNoodlesMichael · 03/09/2022 18:49

I'll never understand how anyone's bar can be set this low. Any man's better than no man eh 🙄

BigChesterDraws · 03/09/2022 18:53

What’s the issue here that people can’t work out?

You need to ask? We have a man who is competing with Nick Cannon for Baby-maker of the Decade, on a very modest wage, who didn’t feel the need to get married to the second woman he impregnated, has no legal capacity to marry you, lied to you for a year, says he can’t afford a divorce but has money left over each month for “Christmas and whatever” (why is a divorce not part of “whatever”?), sees his first two children in the holidays only, and you’re asking what the issue is?

Your rent and bills is £800 a month? For a home big enough for a family of 4 plus 2 additional children in the holidays? So that’s rent and gas, electricity, phone, internet, TV. Do you include food as “bills”? If so, no wonder he’s happy as he is. He’s got a good thing going for £400 a month.

I’d also be looking into a vasectomy for him, let alone a divorce.

eighteenmonthstogo · 03/09/2022 19:46

Read my post Anxietyriddenx and do what is advised... problem solved.

0live · 03/09/2022 19:52

I’d love to know where you live in Scotland @Anxietyriddenx , that you can rent a 3 bedroom property , pay CT, insurance, gas and electric, TV licence, food , household items and clothes / Christmas / holidays etc for a family of 4 for £800 / month .

Itloggedmeoutagain · 03/09/2022 20:33

He's due an inheritance?
Just the wording of it makes me go eugh. What does that actually mean?

Andromachehadabadday · 03/09/2022 20:36

Anxietyriddenx · 03/09/2022 14:29

@hashbrownsandwich i wish I could say his age without it being too revealing but we are both young and I think people would be shocked lol

Why would anyone be shocked. He has to be at least 26. Probably quite a bit older.

I am guessing older.

This is all a shit show wether he is 26 or 36 tbh.

FirewomanSam · 03/09/2022 20:49

Jesus, while I agree the OP is right to be wary and should be having a serious conversation with her partner about divorce, there are some really horrible posts here. Is it really necessary to call him a twat and all the other nasty names that have been thrown around? And randomly accusing OP of benefit fraud too! What is wrong with some people?

TheLassWiADelicateAir · 03/09/2022 23:51

Is it really necessary to call him a twat

He's definitely no great catch.

Herejustforthisone · 04/09/2022 08:17

Crikey. That sounds complicated.

But whatever, at the end of the day he is married to another woman and has no intention of divorcing her so he can marry you. I wouldn’t want to stick around in the relationship.

KettrickenSmiled · 04/09/2022 10:53

Is it really necessary to call him a twat
No. Just satisfying. And accurate.

HTH

Arbesque · 04/09/2022 10:55

His track record isn't very impressive. Do you really want to try and build a future with a man who seems to have so little commitment to anything?

Doingprettywellthanks · 04/09/2022 11:26

ReneBumsWombats · 03/09/2022 18:02

Well it's not his fault she cheated but jeez, he's not exactly Action Man in cutting his ties to her, is he?

Show quote history

They see their mother doing it
and then they do it
and then their children do it

and so the cycle continues

Teachermum02 · 04/09/2022 17:46

He needs to get a divorce and a financial order otherwise his ex still has the ability to make a financial claim from him in regards to earnings and assets. I wouldn't buy a house with him until I seen a financial order becuase if you buy a house together in a way your also financially tied to her to.

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