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AIBU?

To be absolutely heartbroken by my 14 year old DF doing this?

214 replies

TSwizzlescat · 27/08/2022 10:30

Dd left her phone on the side of the bath, I moved it as I was about to have a bath myself: When I picked it up it had a text notification from 'mum' definitely not me as I haven't had a reason to text her for days. I could t help myself so I asked her who it was and it turns out it's from her dads girlfriend he's been with 2 years max who is barely 10 years older than our Dd.

I'm just floored and heartbroken. Her excuse was she was angry with me but fuck me I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.... how do I deal with this?

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Pyewhacket · 27/08/2022 10:33

You start by respecting her privacy.

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NovaDeltas · 27/08/2022 10:33

Er... So her dad, who is not your partner, has a girlfriend? Or are you mad she put her in the phone as 'mum'?

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TSwizzlescat · 27/08/2022 10:33

Just realised there's a typo in the title obvs I meant DD!

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TSwizzlescat · 27/08/2022 10:35

NovaDeltas · 27/08/2022 10:33

Er... So her dad, who is not your partner, has a girlfriend? Or are you mad she put her in the phone as 'mum'?

I'm upset she's put her in her phone as mum... couldn't care less that her dad has a girlfriend.

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TSwizzlescat · 27/08/2022 10:36

Pyewhacket · 27/08/2022 10:33

You start by respecting her privacy.

How is moving her phone from a place it could possibly get water damaged not respecting her privacy?!

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Fairyliz · 27/08/2022 10:36

Ouch that must have hurt.
14 is a difficult age, I can remember mine shouting I hate you at me which did make me cry.
My advice, is to just grit your teeth you will get through this, probably with a few emotional bruises and in my case lots of grey hair.

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StClare101 · 27/08/2022 10:38

I’d be upset, too, but unfortunately I don’t think there’s much you can do. No reaction is probably best….

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TheRookie · 27/08/2022 10:38

I know it's hard but she hasn't replaced you. It's good that she has a nice relationship with her Dad's partner, she has 2 'Mum' figures in her life. My DH has 2 'Dad' figures, his biological Dad and his stepdad who he has lived with since he was 2. Both offer different but equally rewarding relationships.

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coodawoodashooda · 27/08/2022 10:40

I would tell her exactly how I felt and why.

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MiauzenKatzenjammer · 27/08/2022 10:41

You deal with it by accepting that your daughter is not an extension of you. She has other people in her life and how she stores her contacts in her own phone is her business.

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DontMakeMeShushYou · 27/08/2022 10:42

You tell her "I love you, I'm sorry I invaded your privacy, I do feel hurt that you refer to x as 'Mum' in your phone but that's your decision and I'm glad that you have a good relationship with her."

And then take her out to a café for cake.

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LemonDrop22 · 27/08/2022 10:42

Most of us were very silly when we were teen-agers.

If she ever clashes with her, no doubt she'll be changed to "bitch'" in the blink of an eye.

I would just roll your eyes to yourself and not bother being heart broken.

Silly teens are gonna be silly teens.

It's actually good that she doesn't have a shit, hateful relationship with her Dad's gf at the minute .... Better for her all round.

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Willyoujustbequiet · 27/08/2022 10:43

That's hard.

I would be honest with her and have a chat. Not to make her feel guilty but your feelings are valid.

There may be other issues going on and she might appreciate the opportunity to open up about them.

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TrufflesForBreakfast · 27/08/2022 10:43

Op ignore the people that seem to come on these threads to purposefully make you feel worse by spectacularly missing the point. YANBU to feel this way. A sit down and a chat is probably needed.

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vitahelp · 27/08/2022 10:44

My Dad met his wife when I was 10. They Borg encouraged me to call her Mum almost immediately but I wasn’t keen and they did let it go. So there could be some of that at play.

But also I viewed the idea of a step family as very modern and trendy at the time and did enjoy referring to her as my step mum even before they married, and also loved having a step-brother (I was an only child). I also loved having more family, since we were a very small family.

Anyway what I’m trying to say is that there could be so many things at play that made her want to do this and none of them involve you being pushed out or irrelevant. However I can imagine it is hard and thinking back I bet my Mum found it hard too but I never saw this at the time.

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TSwizzlescat · 27/08/2022 10:44

Just for context I knew she'd changed my name in her phone a while ago which I asked why as she said it's because it's a nickname- she's never ever called me.... thought it was off at the time but she's a teenager so who knows what goes through their heads. So I'm not mum in her phone but dads girlfriend is....



Also for context dad had form for this, he tried to make my older daughter from a previous relationship call him dad and her actual father by his first name when we were together. He also told her she was dead to him and he never wanted to see her again as she was too upset to talk to him when he left one day with absolutely no warning. But that's a whole other story!

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AnnaFri · 27/08/2022 10:45

I get this hurts but you're going way OTT with this

Teens are dicks sometimes and know what buttons to press

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Learningtoacceptmyself · 27/08/2022 10:45

I'm in my dds' phones as "garden lover" and "birth giver". I think it's funny.

But understand how hurt you must feel. Teens take their anger out in ways they don't realise hurts. :(

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chillipenguin · 27/08/2022 10:45

I get why it stings but its great she feels close to her. Are you in there as mummy?

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x2boys · 27/08/2022 10:46

Does she actually call her mum in real life ,or is it just a silly joke?
I'm sure she knows ,that she only has one mum .

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chillipenguin · 27/08/2022 10:46

x2boys · 27/08/2022 10:46

Does she actually call her mum in real life ,or is it just a silly joke?
I'm sure she knows ,that she only has one mum .

I agree. She knows you're her mother

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fuckblippi · 27/08/2022 10:49

Teenagers do shit sometimes that really hurts. My son has said things that hurt but it's always when he's been angry or struggling himself.

You know she's not her mum. She knows this too. Try not to let it get to you and don't show her that it does. She needs to see rational, loving mum that she can count on - because that's who she will always truly think of as mum.

When she's grown up she'll probably kick herself.

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EmeraldShamrock1 · 27/08/2022 10:49

I wouldn't have mentioned it.
It would hurt but I'd hurt in silence keeping the conversation for another time.

She's a teenager if you look on the bright side she has a bigger support network.

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Sandysandwich · 27/08/2022 10:49

You are allowed to be sad, its upsetting and thats okay, but she has not done anything wrong- she didn't even show it to you so she obviously was not trying to upset you.
You can be sad about it but don't take it out on her, to you its a whole big thing about being replaced and the other woman being younger and the relationship with your daughter - but that is all on you.
She just privately put the woman who may be her stepmum soon as mum in her phone, and realistically there is nothing wrong with doing that.
You need to process your feeling on your own without projecting all of the 'you are replacing me, she hasn't earnt the right to be called mum' stuff on your daughter.

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Catch21 · 27/08/2022 10:49

Oh OP this must be so hurtful for you. But try to hold on to the fact that her having a nice relationship with her dad's girlfriend is basically a positive thing, and far better than having a horrible step mum who is nasty to her.

Do you think she did this deliberately to wind you up? If so then not reacting is the best course of action.

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