To be absolutely heartbroken by my 14 year old DF doing this?

[TSwizzlescat]

Dd left her phone on the side of the bath, I moved it as I was about to have a bath myself: When I picked it up it had a text notification from 'mum' definitely not me as I haven't had a reason to text her for days. I could t help myself so I asked her who it was and it turns out it's from her dads girlfriend he's been with 2 years max who is barely 10 years older than our Dd.

I'm just floored and heartbroken. Her excuse was she was angry with me but fuck me I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.... how do I deal with this?

Have you spoken to your DD about this? Given the Dad's previous form, is it not likely that he insisted she change the names in her phone?

OK - just seen she said she was angry. But maybe she's just covering for him as she would be scared to change it if that's what he's told her to do. And maybe she was a bit angry at you seeing her phone so that was the first response she thought of.

This woman isn't going to replace you. She isn't old enough for starters. I'm sure this phase will pass like others. You have to be patient with teenies that's for sure.

My relationship with my DD from 13 -19 was utterly shit.

What your DD has done is exactly the sort of thing she (my DD) may have done, thinking it hilarious. It absolutely DOES NOT mean she thinks of her dads girlfriend as more of a mum than you. It really doesn't.

I would not discuss with her - she will think you are batshit and over reacting.

YANBU to be very upset. From what I read I think it may have been that DD was put under pressure by her dad to do this.

Wait till your daughter is asleep, get hold of her phone, and replace ‘mum’ with ‘skanky fucker’.

Better, change your own name to “Awesome Mum” or similar.

I’d be hurt too. Teenagers can be nasty. My dd (14) doesn’t even have me saved in her phone and I was upset by that.

😂🤣

if Your 14 year old doesn’t hate you or push against you sometimes then something is wrong. It’s a normal developmental stage. Just know it will pass. 14 is a horrible horrible age and I wouldn’t wish teen girls on my worst enemy.
don’t give her a reaction! They love to know what pushes your buttons x

I'd be hurt. Teenagers can be little fuckers and i often think the only way to cope is to beat them at their own game.

I'd just change her name in your phone to something annoying, (child Nr 1 or whatever) and then if she comes to you with "muuuummm can you help with/pay for..." I'd point out that apparently her mum isn't there. (but that's me)

On the other hand completely ignore it and carry on doing whatever you do.

If she was 24 then I’d be reflecting on what had gone wrong… but she’s not. She’s 14. What they say, think and do at 14 should never be taken that seriously. I can see why it would sting but completely ignoring and waiting for her to grow up is the grown up response here.

Nor does DD owe OP one. She didn't wave her contact list in her mother's face, this was not done with the intent to hurt her mother. Had mum not snooped mum would not be upset.

I really wouldn't. You should not have looked at her phone for starters but most importantly, you are the adult. It is up to you to manage your emotions and not guilt her about having a nice relationship with her dad's girlfriend. She knows who her mother is. I appreciate that you find it hurtful, but you need to manage your own self esteem and not seek reassurance from a child.

It's not 'just a word' though, is it?

It implies the strongest relationship a child is supposed to have.

Obvs that is not at all always the case, but that's why it hurts so much if your mum isn't the supportive, most caring person in your life, or if your child views someone else this role.

OP - this is massively tough. Keep your DD feeling loved and supported though, as hard as it might be.

Seriously though do the same but put the name as the skanky fucker's first name.

If you daughter asks; say whatever her name is is Dad's girlfriend but not her Mum.

You are her Mum OP, if her dad's girlfriend is encouraging this it is very wrong/

You want to destroy your relationship with your DD? Carry on being hurt n upset, having a go at her.

Its a word, nothing more, i call my Dad "Dad" even though he once threw me down the stairs and i haven't seen him in ages.

My DD was a terror at 14 and once called me an "Awful Woman" i laughed at her, which made her call me even worse names.... she calls me Super Mum now and we are very close.... or so i think lol!

@Abhannmor I can only second this advice. Teens are wild creatures. You haven't been replaced. One second you're their best friend the next you're the worst thing that ever happened in their life. Ride out this storm and keep lines of communication open. Yanbu.

She's trying to hurt you, she's testing boundaries. And she knows she can do it with you because she knows you love her unconditionally.

I can totally see why it's horribly hurtful but remind yourself it's because she trusts you completely to love her, no matter what she throws at you.

Absolutely ridiculous advice.

Why would anyone even jokingly suggest the OP do something that would put her DD in the firing line with her nasty father?

I am so sorry. All I can say is try your hardest to realise it isn’t personal, even though it feels it. 14 is such a hard age, both to live with and to be! You are the person she loves most and feels safest with, which also means you bear the brunt of her worst behaviours as she knows she can ‘test’ you, but you will always be there for her. I should think in a few years this memory will cause her to writhe with guilt. Try to push it from your mind… in a couple of years she’ll be through the worst of the hormones and she’ll be so thankful she has/ has had you all that time!

First, regarding the looking at a 14 year old’s phone. We had a police presentation at DS school recently. Police made it clear that they expect parents to check their DC phones. It is seen as part of good parenting. PC asked us if we would think it alright to have no idea who they are meeting in town? No? So we need to know who they are talking to online. Pc completely rejected the notion of online privacy for 14 year olds. Advice was to check at random times and not to get hung up on language unless it’s seriously offensive/illegal but to scan what they’re doing so they know there is a level of monitoring going on.
Secondly, I’ve got boys so have no first hand experience of dealing with a teen daughter but I would not let this go - it is hurtful and a 14 year old needs to know that. I would be calm but would ask why she has done it in case there is some pressure from
her dad. If she is unpleasant/says she loves the dad’s partner as a mum and not you then there would be consequences if she was my daughter because it is spiteful behaviour and I would not be just waiting for her to grow out of it.

Even if they aren't marked as ICE-Mum is going to be the first number called.

Incorrect!

OP is the daughter's Mum

Dad's girlfriend is not and never will be.

I count my blessings I am childless and unmaried if this i how things end up a husband who leaves and a daughter who who calls Dad's girlfriend Mum.

I agree 💯 with @Maray1967 . You don't need to make it into a big drama, but teens need to know that other people have feelings too and it's not right to be spiteful just because they're cross. And she's 14, you glanced at her phone you didn't read her diary. Online privacy shouldn't be a thing for young teens.