To be absolutely heartbroken by my 14 year old DF doing this?

[TSwizzlescat]

Dd left her phone on the side of the bath, I moved it as I was about to have a bath myself: When I picked it up it had a text notification from 'mum' definitely not me as I haven't had a reason to text her for days. I could t help myself so I asked her who it was and it turns out it's from her dads girlfriend he's been with 2 years max who is barely 10 years older than our Dd.

I'm just floored and heartbroken. Her excuse was she was angry with me but fuck me I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.... how do I deal with this?

[TheArtfulScreamer1]

Take it for what it is a 14 year old who's had a strop at you for something or other and changed a name on her phone to be spiteful and give her a bit of control, she may or maynot have expected you to see it and you may or maynot currently be recorded as bitchface or something equally as flattering on her phone should you text her. I doubt at 14 she really does think of this girlfriend of dads as a mum figure especially after only 2 years.

[Notonthestairs]

So the Op is stored in the phone as a nickname that DD doesn't actually use & Dad's girlfriend is stored as Mum.

Yeah that would give me a bit of a dent.

Best advice is to ignore and carry on. She knows who her Mum is.

[chillipenguin]

She could even be taking the piss, like if GF keeps telling her what to do it's sarcastic?

[Itwasntright]

Whys she angry with you?

[BungleandGeorge]

It depends on why you think she did it? She said she was angry with you? Do you know why? If she literally just changed it so that you would see it and be upset because you’ve had to discipline her or something it may be best to ignore it.
next time she needs something like a lift or money Id be tempted to tell her to contact her ‘Mum’ but that’s probably not the mature way to handle it😆

[Roselilly36]

Aww that must have hurt OP, she only has one mum and that’s you. Try not to be upset it’s not worth falling out with DD over.

[hulahooper2]

Tell her your the only Mum she will ever have , and explain how hurt you are. Get her to Change you back to mum , and the girlfriend can be called anything at all. I totally understand how gutted you must feel. It’s not the fact he has a girlfriend that’s upsetting .

[chillipenguin]

@hulahooper2

Tell her your the only Mum she will ever have , and explain how hurt you are. Get her to Change you back to mum , and the girlfriend can be called anything at all. I totally understand how gutted you must feel. It’s not the fact he has a girlfriend that’s upsetting .

This is awful advice.

[2bazookas]

DD is a child from a split family. That dislocation and stress and unhappiness is imposed on her, she had no part in it and no choice. She has to find her own way of negotiating her parents break up and later adult relationships and frankly, you have to let her do that and back her up. Tell her it's fine.

When you find her way painful, keep it to yourself. Don't lay any more adult painful marriage breakdown/separation issues on her shoulders.

Remember, what she learns from you, ExDH and both your partners, is the role model she takes into her own adult relationships. If she gets on with the GF, that is healthy and good for DD. She sees that a broken relationship is not the end of the world; that life goes on, that there's more than one fish in the sea. When she has a break up with first BF, her parents example will stand her in good stead. Your response is vital to her. " How to get over a man and move on; chapter 1"

[SueSaid]

Surely she has done it wind you up, no teenage dc would call their df's girlfriend mum.

Is she a pita generally or do you have a good relationship?

[Dibbydoos]

It's just a word, I know I'd be devastated too, but focusing on it just being a word def helps.

Loads of people call someone mum, yet that person has been abusive, uncaring and cruel towards them.

Hope you can mend this issue with your DD.

[LeoOliver]

That is very upsetting to read. I wouldn't share those feelings with. It is not appropriate to share those feelings. She is a child. Sharing these feelings makes it an adult conversation and makes it more likely she will feel uncomfortable sharing things with you in the future.

[Leafy3]

Well , as a step daughter, I disagree with some of the replies you've had and think you should tell your daughter exactly how much it hurts and how painful it is.

I don't believe teenagers should be shielded from the pain their teenage actions cause, learning the consequences of their behaviour on others is an incredibly part of development. I've seen how avoiding this to make things easier for them can result in people who are dismissive of the feelings of others.

I also feel strongly that no one should co-opt the mother/father roles (in normal circumstances- caveats to abusive/neglectful relationships etc) and think that to many people it be a betrayal like cheating.

That said, it's also important that you support and accept her relationship with her fathers girlfriend.

[Leafy3]

*incredibly important part of development

[Andromachehadabadday]

Floored, heart broken and like someone has ripped you heart out? Really?

I am guessing your dramatics have something to do with your relationship with her becoming strained.

Have you tried to understand why she felt so angry she did and resolve it? Talk it through? Maybe look at yourself (like all parents should) and see how you are contributing.

She was obviously very angry to do this. But instead of been concerned about that, you are concerned about how it’s made you victim of her actions.

[JustLyra]

@TSwizzlescat

Just for context I knew she'd changed my name in her phone a while ago which I asked why as she said it's because it's a nickname- she's never ever called me.... thought it was off at the time but she's a teenager so who knows what goes through their heads. So I'm not mum in her phone but dads girlfriend is....



Also for context dad had form for this, he tried to make my older daughter from a previous relationship call him dad and her actual father by his first name when we were together. He also told her she was dead to him and he never wanted to see her again as she was too upset to talk to him when he left one day with absolutely no warning. But that's a whole other story!

So it’s highly likely her Dad has played a part in this.

She knows you’re there for her. She has to keep him onside to prevent him cutting her off like her sister...

You’re the one she can be relaxed with. She knows you won’t cut her off. It’s understandable it stings, but given the circumstances with her Dad it’s not something I’d get into arguments over.

[LeoOliver]

@chillipenguin

This is awful advice.

I agree that this terrible advice. She is a child.

[RunningSME]

In hindsight you should have ignored it and not reacted, she’ll hate the new girlfriend next week.

[YesitsBess]

Maybe there’s some pressure there from her father and she’s trying to please him?

Or maybe she’s just being a teenager, if it’s any consolation my daughter had me in her phone as ‘Womb woman’ for quite some time!

[Misunderestimated]

As a born worrier, do kids still have ICE entries on their phones?
I would be mightily pissed off if I was the third person to find out that m child had been involved in an accident.

[YesitsBess]

@JustLyra has articulated what I was thinking perfectly there.

[Viviennemary]

I think that is really hurtful. Awful. Why she has done this who knows. But it doesnt sound like she meamt you to see it.

[Darkstar4855]

Teenagers lack empathy and do silly shit without thinking about it. Let it go, say nothing, try not to put too much weight on it and just focus on having a good relationship with her. You will always be her mum.

[Andromachehadabadday]

If you know her father likely influence this. Why are you so upset?

[FlissyPaps]

I think it’s a bit strange to change a father’s girlfriends name to “mum” in their contacts, so can absolutely understand the hurt.

OP, what is your relationship like with DD normally? Are you close? Or is it a bit “up and down”? If it’s the latter, I can understand a teenager doing something silly like this. Teenagers rebel. They think the world is against them.

Maybe she gets on really well with the girlfriend and they have stuff in common and banter. So maybe she changed her name to “mum” so she could show her friends how “funny” or “cool” her mum is.