To be absolutely heartbroken by my 14 year old DF doing this?

[TSwizzlescat]

Dd left her phone on the side of the bath, I moved it as I was about to have a bath myself: When I picked it up it had a text notification from 'mum' definitely not me as I haven't had a reason to text her for days. I could t help myself so I asked her who it was and it turns out it's from her dads girlfriend he's been with 2 years max who is barely 10 years older than our Dd.

I'm just floored and heartbroken. Her excuse was she was angry with me but fuck me I feel like someone's ripped my heart out.... how do I deal with this?

I think it’s a bit strange to change a father’s girlfriends name to “mum” in their contacts,

I would not be even remotely surprised if a touchy teenager, protecting their phone privacy, lists nicknames or fake titles for anyone on her contacts list. Just in case their mother, friends or relatives take a sneaky peek at their private life.

It's the modern equivalent of telling your Mum you're going to your girlfriend's house to sew Christmas goods for charity. So she won't guess what you're really up to.

OP does not owe her DD an apology

There has to be a balance though.

This isn’t just a teenager being a dick. This is a teenager with a highly manipulative father who has form for making demands about what people are called.

That she’s dealing with that, and the natural fear that she’ll be discarded like her sister was, should. It be ignored.

^agreed.

I think it’s a bit strange to change a father’s girlfriends name to “mum” in their contacts,

It’s not really that strange when you read that her father tried to make her half sister start calling her Dad by his name and call him Dad.

The reason is pretty obvious.

I would be upset too, but teenagers can be dicks.
I find it odd that pp are suggesting you are invading her privacy by looking through her phone. In my home we have an open phone policy - not with my now 16yo, but I think its incredibly important for safeguarding.
I don't think the suggestions of letting her know you are hurt are terrible. She is still young, but not too young to know the impact her actions. Tell her but not with any baggage of it being about her dad's new relationship. It might just be the case, as you suspect that her dad insisted that she call her stepmother mum, which puts your dd in an unfair position.

MN is such a weird place. There’s definitely a contingent who just want to give OP’s a kick when they’re down. Because if another OP came on and said her 14yo had changed the OP’s boyfriends name on their phone to ‘dad’ then people would be telling her that 2 years is nothing they shouldn’t even be meeting the man (who they’d likely claim is probably trying g to abuse the teen) let alone calling him dad.

But on this thread OP is being told to park her feelings?! Fuck that for a game of soldiers

I'd be gutted to, that was an unkind thing for her to do.

Couldn't agree more.

Ridiculous that parents think it's okay to give their kids access to the big bad world and then leave them to it.

They must be v v naive.

Do you think her dad is behind this? Your not in the phone as mum but she is? I woukd absolutely tell dd how hurt I was by this

I’d be really hurt too. Honestly, it would hurt my heart. Big hugs to you. That’s sore.

Ouch :( I would be hurt too.

OP, I get the hurt. This is terrible advice but in your shoes I would change her name in my phone to something like “money drain” or “ungrateful offspring.” When she asks why I’d say it’s fine as clearly you aren’t her “mum” anymore so she gets a new nickname - just like you did. I’d want to make my point that she has been hurtful but can only expect others to treat her as she treats them.

Like I said this is probably not the best advice but definitely think that at 14 she needs to know her actions have consequences.

As for those saying you didn’t respect her privacy - what utter balderdash!

It sounds like your dd has put this in as a badly aimed joke. No one would think of someone 10 years older than them as their mum.

I would hurt too, but I don’t actually think this has anything to do with how she feels about you, or dad’s gf. Changing someone’s name is your phone is just a - slightly childish - way of lashing out at someone without lashing out at them. Before my dc were old enough to read, I saved my ex’s number as all sorts of rude things! He didn’t know about it, but it made me feel kind of better in a weird way. An acquaintance received a phone call from her young adult dd - it was saved in her phone under PITA.. there’s obviously some conflict there, mum feels frustrated, and this is an outlet. I’m guessing it’s the same with your dd, she’s done it in a fit of pique and you were never meant to see it.

I'd be upset initially but I think I'd then feel quite content about the fact that my child liked my exs partner that much, to think of her like a mum. I grew up hating my stepdad, it must be lovely to actually like a stepparent.

I feel for you. Maybe at a good, calm moment explain to your daughter how much you love her and how important it is to you being her mum, and that it broke your heart to read that. You might feel better for expressing yourself and she will probably get a little insight into how you feel. I don't think we ever realise that how deeply our parents feel about us until we're grown up, right? If her dad encouraged this in any way, that's a low move.

It is hurtful. It was meant to be.

And I think the DD needs to accept that it's worked.

And I might be rethinking perhaps how I dealt with her.

What sort of relationship is it? Is she demanding? Do you give in? Are you very authoritarian? How much freedom does she have generally?

I absolutely would talk to my DD about the hurt she's caused. It does not hurt to teach children about the impact their actions can have. Their brains are still developing and in the teens years fine tuning of emotions like empathy is often lacking. Help it along.

I also disagree that it's a good idea for your DD to be calling a girlfriend of 2 years anything as long-term and gravitas sounding as 'Mum' that could be asking for emotional trouble should the relationship end.

Is the girlfriend encouraging this? Does she understand all the connotations and implied responsibilities of being labeled/referred to as such? Is she thinking about your DDs look term emotional welfare? It is wholly inappropriate in my opinion for her or your ex to encourage this, and if I were such a girlfriend of a mere 2 years it is something I would not want or encourage a teen to do. Call me by my name.

If they had been together substantial time and were married then maybe.

YANBU

I see hurt for your DD further down the line, ostensibly all because your ex wants to play 'best family'

Here’s what you don’t do:
Next time she wants money or a ride somewhere tell her to call the one marked “mum” in her phone.

I’m sorry OP, kids are terrible at this age. Deep breaths. Tell her it hurts and you wouldn’t start calling some other kid your daughter just because you were mad at her. She’s old enough to hear how you feel.

Maybe her other mum respects her privacy

Well we'll have to disagree on that. My advice was aiming to avoid escalating a difficult situation by dealing with it in a calm manner.

I'm not suggesting parents shouldn't check their teenagers phones but it is something that should be done together so you can discuss it with them. You don't have to give them any notice but you should do it with their explicit knowledge. If you don't want them doing stuff behind your back, don't do it to them. Demonstrate the behaviour you want from them. It's a trust issue.

Of course the OP is allowed to feel extremely hurt by this but, again, de-escalation is usually the best way to start rebuilding the relationship.

Yeah, don't do this unless you want things to be worse.

You're her mum. She knows that.

This.
I'd be very concerned by the manipulation of your DD.

She intended to hurt you and it worked. Unfortunately teenagers can be horrible. Most of them grow out of it.
Change her contact to crotch goblin number 2 !